Sorry it took me so long to post this. I could use the excuse that school was taking up my time but that wouldn't be entirely truthful so I won't say it. Anyway, here it is. Part one of the story called "The Forgotten".
Go ahead and do your stuff.
Part 1
“Come on, Thomas! You can do better than that!” I taunted.
Right now I was back in my human form, as was Thomas. We’d both just shifted back from our chosen animals. Thomas had been a lion and I’d been a leopard. He had insisted that I choose a different animal. Something a little heavier. But one thing Thomas was learning about me was that I could be incredibly stubborn.
We stood watching each other, panting. There was a cut on my forehead that was still bleeding and I knew that I’d have a pretty nasty bruise on my side tomorrow where Thomas had kicked me but besides that I was doing pretty good. Usually by now he would have me pinned down but today I was holding my own.
There was no need to worry about being seen here in this field. About eight months ago, Thomas and I had been racing and we’d stumbled across this field. We’d been practicing here since then.
We were just starting to get our breath back when Thomas clenched his fists and laughed. I knew immediately what he was about to do.
“Thomas don’t you dare,” I warned.
It didn’t do any good. Thomas laughed again and shifted into an eagle. He flew straight toward my face, then swooped up just before hitting me. I felt the wind from his wings blow my hair.
Thomas was one of the few shape shifters I knew who could change into more than one animal. Something that took a great deal of concentration and skill. At least they had gotten me a good trainer, I thought. Maybe one day he’d be able to teach me how to change into another shape besides my agile, compact leopard. I didn’t know exactly how many different forms he could take but I had a feeling it was more than just the lion and the eagle.
“You can’t do that! It’s not fair,” I screamed at the bird that was now flying towards the sun which was now starting to set. Standing with my arms folded I watched as he turned and came at me again. I refused to duck this time. Thomas came close enough to touch the top of my head with his talons.
“Thomas, it’s not fair!” I shrieked again. I knew I was too old to claim that something wasn’t fair but at the moment I didn’t care. I had been trying to change into something else every since I learned it was possible.
I had always assumed that shape shifters and were-people were the same thing. Were-people could only change into one animal; whatever their ancestors had been. Shape shifters could choose any creature they wanted. Thomas had proved to me that some of us could change into more than one. Well technically, we all had the ability but most shape shifters didn’t bother to learn a second animal. There was no real point unless you were a fighter and needed the characteristics of another species.
That was one reason I wanted to be a bird. For a quick getaway if I ever needed it. The main reason though, was just for the freedom of it. Being able to just go whenever I felt like it.
I watched Thomas with a longing and envy. Why should he be able to do something I couldn’t? After all, I was princess of all the shape shifters. One day I’d be Queen. Their leader and ruler.
“Why don’t we call it a day, Thomas?” It was getting pretty late and I was hungry.
Thomas swiftly landed in front of me and shifted back to himself, with that usual carefree smile. I had grown to really appreciate him. I needed someone who could make me forget all my problems and for a few hours a day, pretend I was normal. Like I had no responsibilities.
“Look, Emily. I know you’re soon to be queen and everything but you still have a lot to learn.” As if I didn’t already know that. “You know I’m here to teach you. When you’re ready you’ll be able to change into whatever you like.”
“But I’m ready now,” I whined.
“No, you’re not,” he said softly, stepping towards me. All his playfulness from before had vanished. “But you will be soon.”
“Fine. Can we go home now?” I really was tired and my side was beginning to throb.
“Sure, come on.” He was still talking softly. I wondered sometimes if he knew how that voice got to me. Thomas and I joked around a lot and had gotten pretty close these past few months but I could not picture the two of us really being together. He was practically my best friend.
“Wanna race?” he said, easily slipping back to his familiar self.
Thomas and I had started our own tradition. After practice he’d change into a lion and I’d change into a leopard and we’d race home. I almost always won, being smaller and quicker.
“Not really. I’m too tired,” I admitted.
“You can’t be serious! Tired? But-” He stopped when he saw my face. “Fine then. I guess we could just slowly make our way home.” What an exaggeration.
“Thank you,” I said absently. I was a little preoccupied with the fact that Thomas was completely comfortable calling that place home. Sure, he’s been there for a while now but he still had a family somewhere else. Didn’t he?
Just then I realized that I didn’t know anything about Thomas’s background. The topic had come up a few times but he had always inconspicuously avoided the it. I decided that out here in the open, he wouldn’t be able to hide.
“Thomas,” I started hesitantly. I was quite sure if I was going about this the right way. “Where’s your family?”
Abruptly, he stopped walking and turned towards me. “Why do you ask?”
Internally I was cursing myself for bringing up an obviously touchy subject. “I don’t know.” I could barely bring myself to speak more than a whisper.
“They’re dead,” he said plainly.
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Canary word: Present
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Hiya! I really love your style of writing, it's really easy to read and follow so thumbs-up on that! Your characters are pretty cool as well, and I liked the way you dropped the reader right into their situation.
Now to the critiquing:
These couple of sentences don't read very easily. I know technically you don't need/have to put a comma before 'and' or 'but', but (haha) I think these would help move the sentences, break them up a bit. Such as: "There was a cut on my forehead that was still bleeding. I knew that I'd have a pretty nasty bruise on my side tomorrow where Thomas had kicked me, but besides that I was doing pretty good. By now, he would usually have pinned me down, but today I was holding my own."
English lesson! "practice" is the noun, e.g. "I did flute practice for an hour after school" (haha never). "practise" is the verb, e.g. "We'd been practising here since then" Coolio? (same idea with 'affect' and 'effect' - 'affect' is the verb and 'effect' is the noun... I'm sure you know that but anyways...
You might want to put her thoughts in italics.
A couple of sentences earlier you wrote "Queen" with a capital "Q", so you might want to put it in capitals here as well.
Argh! Sorry, but this really annoys me! You split your infinitive!! "to appreciate" is the infinitive, and you must not put an adverb in the middle!! Sorry again, but that bugs me.
Overall, I thought this was a really good piece, although you may want to reconsider how you end it. I think it would be a better ending if you had something like: "Oh, I'm really sorry." There was an awkward silence.
Anyway, really good! ~*X*~