z

Young Writers Society



The Forgotten-Prologue Rewrite

by brainychic212


I have changed this to first person. I hope that no one gets too upset about this but since I started on chapter 1, I realized that this story would work better in first person.

I corrected some of the grammatical errors but there are probably more. I know you guys won’t hesitant to point them out to me.

I think that overall, it’s better than what it was but it’s still far from perfect so go ahead and rip it apart as usual.

Prologue

He didn’t look anything like I expected.

Mother had told me my trainer would be arriving today, but this guy was nothing like what I had in mind.

He was at least six feet tall and pretty muscled under his T-shirt. He wore dark jeans that were just a little too tight for the style around here. His dark hair was falling messily to his shoulders and across his forehead. Probably from illegally riding his motorcycle without a helmet. He was standing in the driveway with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes and his arms stretched out in a “here-I-am” gesture. Nothing like the uptight man that I though would be screaming directions at me for the next couple of months.

I walked out the door to greet him.

He approached me with his hand out.

“Hello,” he said as I took his hand and shook it without meeting his eyes. “My name is Thomas Ford. I’m going to be your trainer for the next few weeks.”

“Great. I’m Emily Saunders,” I said quietly, even though he probably already knew my name. Everyone who was apart of our world knew who I was. Popularity is one of the things that came with being practically royal.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you Ms. Saunders. I’m truly honored to have been chosen to be your trainer,” Thomas said with an air of someone addressing their queen.

“Please don’t talk like that Thomas,” I said looking into his face. “You are going to be living here and helping me. I don’t think I can take all the formalities.” Besides, I would feel more comfortable if I could think of him as a friend instead of someone who was being paid to train me. “Why don’t you come inside and rest for a while? I hear you had a long journey over here.”

We both turned toward the 76 room mansion I was temporarily calling “home”. It sat half a mile back in the woods of Montana. This made it harder for a human to wander pass it. They usually got suspicious of strangers who had a lot of money.

I had been living in my own apartment in the city. Nothing spectacular, just a simple, one-bedroom apartment. I had had to fight with my mother to convince her that I would be safe there. To everyone who knew me, I was just Emily Saunders. Not princess of the shape shifters like I was here.

I would have been totally content to live my life out there and let someone else have the throne. Until I found out who that someone else would be.

Right now, my mother and father were kind and queen. My family had been ruling for the past four hundred years. I was the heir to the throne but the throne was soon to be challenged the Tallis family. They were a selfish, ruthless group of people who should not have any rights over the rest of us shape shifters. It was now my job to keep them from gaining any power. So at nineteen years old, I would be learning how to fight for my life.

But before that day came, I had a thing or two to learn about fighting and this tall, laid-back guy walking beside me was going to help me.

I led Thomas through the mansion to the kitchen. Every room we walked through was very ornately decorated. Elegant chandeliers, polished furniture. I tried to ignore it all.

“So can I get you anything?” I asked politely when we finally reached the kitchen.

“I thought we weren’t going to do all the formalities,” he answered with a laugh.

After laughing with him I said, “We’re not. I’m just trying to be nice.” Maybe this training thing wouldn’t be so bad if I could just be positive about it.

“Right. Well,” I started to say but then I realized something. “Where’s your luggage? I thought you were staying here.”

“I am,” he said simply. He started to say something else but then he stopped.

“Well?” I prompted.

“Well,” he repeated, “the council is having someone bring my luggage. They should actually be here soon.” He held out his wrist to glance at the expensive-looking watch.

I looked up at him questioningly. He just stared back so I asked, “Why didn’t you bring your own luggage?” But then I answered my own question. “Because you rode a motorcycle.”

“Yeah, and because every since I volunteered to be your trainer, the council has been treating me like a prince. They offered to bring my luggage for me and I thought it would be rude to refuse.” He said this with the same smile that he had when he first arrived.

I shook my head and smiled to myself as I offered to show him which room he would be staying in.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
51 Reviews


Points: 3101
Reviews: 51

Donate
Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:57 pm
Mira wrote a review...



Hi, Shella! :)

Before I begin, thanks for telling me about the revised edition of your lovely prologue! I was really happy to get to read it! Okay, now, on to business... :)

I have to say, I think first-person was better for this story. I still feel like Emily isn't fully developed yet. If you add in a bit more about her, this can be fixed quick though. :)

I loved the description, but I feel that it could be better. Give us a bit more; let us feel like we're actually there, watching the entire thing as it unfolds. I don't really have room to talk myself, but all it takes is a little practice! :)

Overall, amazing job. I like this more than the original and I'm still enthusiastic about where this is going to head. Good job and PM when the first chapter is out! :)

Smiles!

@;~ Saph

(Were there too many smiles in this? :) Haha. Sorry if there were...)




User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 2995
Reviews: 54

Donate
Thu Apr 30, 2009 8:31 pm
WhiteTiger93 wrote a review...



Sorry Shella, I meant to reveiw this earlier, but was having difficulties finding time *looks at Shella sheepishly* forgive me? Anyway, since everyone's got your grammatical errors I'll just tell you what I did and didn't like.

I agree with Pippie. You did a good job describing Thomas (Everytime I hear that name I think of Molly. Ew. (: Sorry). I felt thew begining of a bond to him (: Thought I didn't feel anything with Emily. I thought she was dull and unoriginal. Like she was a minor character and not your major one.

Also I really enjoy the storyline. I love shapeshifters (:

Overall, I would give this a 8/10. I would love to read more of this. If I read this in a bookstore (well besides the mistakes) I would buy it. (: So kudos to you

That's all for now. (:

~Nicole




User avatar
99 Reviews


Points: 4893
Reviews: 99

Donate
Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:39 pm
babymagic18 says...



um the story was good I just wanted to say thanks for the comment the rest of the story I am working on currently.




User avatar
233 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 233

Donate
Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:07 pm
Pippiedooda wrote a review...



Hi :D I like this as a beginning, I haven't read anything on shape shifters and it sounds like a good storyline :) I'm a bit picky, so some of my points you may disagree with but just ignore them if you do! I agree with the previous comments as well :P

He didn’t look anything like I expected.

Mother had told me my trainer would be arriving today, but this guy was nothing like what I had in mind.


I'd change 'nothing like' as you have just said 'anything like' and it sounds kind of similar, maybe something like 'but this guy was something completely different to what I had in mind.' :)

His dark hair was falling messily to his shoulders and across his forehead. Probably from illegally riding his motorcycle without a helmet.


I thought the paragraph of description on him was well written but could come across a bit jerkily, I'd recommend joining one or two sentences so that it flows easier (here you could just use a dash). I think you could maybe change 'his' here as well or rearrange the sentence just so you are not beginning it with 'he' or 'his' as you do quite a bit in this part. 'fell' might read better here than 'was falling' too :) So all in all perhaps something like this-
'A messy crop of dark hair fell around his shoulders and across his forehead- probably from illegally riding his motorcycle without a helmet.'

with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes


I think 'put' could be replaced here with something better, perhaps 'created'?

Nothing like the uptight man that I though would be screaming directions at me


I think 'though' should be 'thought' here :)

I walked out the door to greet him.

He approached me with his hand out.


I'd add a bit more here, when she walks out to meet him what is her expression like? Does the gravel crunch under foot? I'd just add a bit more detail to make it more interesting.

who was apart of our world


I think 'apart' should be 'a part'.

one of the things that came with being practically royal.


'royalty' might sound better here than 'royal'. And isn't she actually royalty? Maybe you could leave out 'practically'.

I said looking into his face.


I'm not sure about 'looking into his face', I think you could use a better action really to show how she feels about him saying this. Perhaps she winces then glances up at him or fixes him with a serious stare so that he knows that she means what she is about to say.

This made it harder for a human to wander pass it. They usually got suspicious of strangers who had a lot of money.


Here's another place I think you could join up the sentences and rearrange them a little so they sound less awkward. It doesn't really make it harder for a human to wander past, just less likely. Maybe something like this-
'The distance made it a lot less likely that a human would wander past, preventing any suspicions they might have over my expensive accommodation.'

To everyone who knew me, I was just Emily Saunders. Not princess of the shape shifters like I was here.


It's not really everyone who knew her then as there are people who know her here who call her princess. Maybe you could say something like 'to everyone who had known me' to show that you are talking about the past where she used to live or adding something on the end after 'to everyone who knew me' to specify about where they knew her from, like 'from my independent living'.

Right now, my mother and father were kind and queen. My family had been ruling for the past four hundred years. I was the heir to the throne but the throne was soon to be challenged the Tallis family.


This all sounds a bit robotic again, you do fine after this but it's just the introduction of the history here that doesn't seem to flow that easily. I'd join either the first and second sentence I have quoted or the second and third, so something like-
'Right now, my mother and father are king and queen, our family having ruled for the past four hundred years.' (I changed 'were' to 'are' as you are referring to them in the present tense)
or 'My family had been ruling for the past four hundred years and I was the next in line to power, but the throne was soon to be challenged by the Tallis family.' (Here I changed one of the 'throne's so that you are not repeating it and added 'by' before 'the Tallis family' too) :)

I would be learning how to fight for my life.

But before that day came, I had a thing or two to learn about fighting and this tall, laid-back guy walking beside me was going to help me.


You repeat about learning how to fight and it comes across a bit strangely, I'd maybe rephrase one of the sentences a little. Perhaps the second one could be about 'combat' and you could change one of the 'learn' to something like 'be taught'. I'd maybe leave out 'me' on the end of 'help' as you just said he was walking 'beside me', it makes just as much sense :P

he answered with a laugh.

After laughing with him I said,


Instead of describing her ending laughing, I'd maybe say something about how she started to laugh- like saying she couldn't help but laugh along too then have the speech. This is because before I wouldn't have thought she would have laughed, so to show her relaxing it might be good to describe how she laughed despite her annoyance at her position.

“Right. Well,” I started to say but then I realized something. “Where’s your luggage? I thought you were staying here.”


what is she starting to say? You have him start to say something else quite soon after this and as it doesn't serve much purpose here, maybe you could leave it out and jump straight to her question?

He held out his wrist to glance at the expensive-looking watch.


Instead of expensive looking, I'd mention how it was so. Like saying it was designer, or modern or something like that to show how she can tell it is expensive :)

“Yeah, and because every since I volunteered to be your trainer


I think 'every' should just be 'ever' here.

He said this with the same smile that he had when he first arrived.

I shook my head and smiled to myself as I offered to show him which room he would be staying in.


I don't think you need 'this' after 'said'. I'd maybe change one of the 'smile's so you are not repeating the same action so close, perhaps 'grinning' would be appropriate for Thomas?

Overall: I did really like this as a beginning :) I hope you continue!

I think this is quite well written, you do well in introducing the characters and the situation the MC is in :) I do think you could improve a bit more on imagery though. Little actions and details on what they do might really help to create a better image for the reader, and you could also sometimes vary the words you use to describe the action (like with laugh and smile). I pointed out a couple of sentences that I think could be joined, I'd watch out for it in future so that your story reads smoothly and keeps the personal feel to it that you have developed throughout the rest of the piece in using first person.

I liked the description of Thomas, but there isn't really anything on Emily, you can always add this in later parts though. I loved the hints leading up to the MC being non-human, I think you described it briefly enough so that it was not overloading the reader with information but in enough detail so that we are aware of what is going on, nicely done ;)

So basically, a bit more imagery to really allow the reader to visualise what is going on and some more little actions and details that will bring the whole piece together is what I think is needed. Other than that, great work! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped! :D




User avatar
202 Reviews


Points: 8831
Reviews: 202

Donate
Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:38 am
Octave wrote a review...



Hi!! Of course I'd like to read. ^^

Thomas said with an air of someone addressing their queen.


I think it should be the air instead of an air. I'm more or less sure.


“You are going to be living here and helping me. I don’t think I can take all the formalities.”


I think it should be You're, because most people don't say you are. Just to make it more realistic.


Right now, my mother and father were kind


King. I'm sure you meant that. Typo, so no biggie.


Every room we walked through was very ornately decorated. Elegant chandeliers, polished furniture.


Take out very. It annoys. And even better if you could take out very ornately decorated altogether. The next sentence shows us already.


Anyway, again, next chapter please! ^^





Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud