Young Writers Society

Wow. This is amazing!

I love the rhyme scheme and how you use rhetorical questions. I get the impression that the use of the questions suggests that she's either angry or confused which I think matches the rest of the poem really well.

I also like how you describe it as though the oceans have almost abandoned the world and that it's no longer there. It really reflects the idea of global warming and how our lives are taking it's toll on the Earth.

This was a beautiful piece indeed. I can really see why you favored this piece. However let me get some tiny issues, that may totally just be my view, out of the way. Also I apologize for anything that I say that may seem offensive as that is not my intention.

1) The imagery is a bit lacking. For instance at a point like "the waves aborted", you could have used either supporting details (these are not apart of the same line) to explain the situation, or add the details to that same line. For example you could say " the crystalline waves crashed on the shore no more".

2) Some parts don't seem to...flow. What I mean is that the lines are connected but there is need for a better transition. For example: "Wake your soul Life has taken its toll". I believe something could be added here just to make a smoother transition.

Overall, I really enjoyed the simplicity of this poem and your meaning came across clearly to me. Speaking on these topics is sort of what I like to do, so in essence keep up the good work.

-Jevan

This poem/ story (whichever one is preferred) is very beautiful and creative. I loved the way that it rhymed and had a rhythm that was easy to follow.
However, three things...

1) You capitalized the first letter of every line/ sentence, even though there was no punctuation
at the finish of the previous line. Make sure to double, triple, or quadruple check your
grammar before publishing.

2) I DID like that you put questions in periodically, but I think (this is only my personal
opinion)
the poem would be even better if you put a question in after every stanza or phrase.
Putting in a more 'artful' take on it.

3) You kept fluctuating between referring to 'you' and 'our'. Make sure to find a perspective
and hold to it like a vice. I do know that you said you made this a couple years back, but
before publishing anything, no matter how old, you should always, ALWAYS, revise and
edit beforehand.

I really liked the take on life this poem held.

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Initially I hesitated to read this poem because being under the category of supernatural I thought it might involve the demonic or the devil or witchcraft. Instead I found it speaks of something similar to Armageddon which is described in the biblical book of Revelation. My favorite lines are the first four lines. Perhaps one reason is that the exact things are mentioned in Revelation.

Darkness

Revelation 16:10 NIV
The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and its kingdom was plunged into darkness.

Revelation 8:12
Then the fourth angel sounded his trumpet, and a third of the sun and moon and stars were struck. A third of the stars were darkened, a third of the day was without light, and a third of the night as well.

The Sea:

Revelation 21:1-8 (NIV)
21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

A Baby

Revelation 12:5 NIV
She gave birth to a son, a male child, who "will rule all the nations with an iron scepter." And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne.

All hope Vanished

Prov 11:7
When the wicked die, their hopes die with them, for they rely on their own feeble strength.


This Earth Banished

Revelation 21:1 NIV
Then I saw "a new heaven and a new earth," for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away,