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Goofball

by boombas4


We called each other goofball

We laughed, we loved

You breathed your last

You died

I was a mess 

I was broken

I still hear the words they mocked

I still feel the depression 

They tell me that I'm not 

I'm not pretty enough

Not smart enough

Not skinny enough

Not nice enough

Not good enough

Not enough

Yet all I hear is goofball


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48 Reviews


Points: 4957
Reviews: 48

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Mon Jul 02, 2018 11:26 pm
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Bloodlord wrote a review...



This is a really nice poem. It expresses loss and memory in a beautiful way. I like how the rather lighthearted title 'Goofball' seems to symbolize both happiness and grief after the loss of happiness.

A possible alternative to Radrook's suggestion below with punctuation is to keep the capitalized "Not ____ enough...." and instead of a comma put a period at the end. This would place more of an emphasis on each statement. When people read a poem, a comma vs. a period makes a big difference in their heads in terms of timing, so you should pick what you think is most appropriate. (Comma for a sorter pause, period for a longer one.)

In you last line, I was wondering if something more like "Yet I can still here goofball" would be better. It seems like 'goofball' isn't all you hear, since you say that you hear people telling you that you are not enough.

One idea to emphasize your title 'Goofball' would be to split up the first and last lines to something like:

We called eachother
Goofball.

and

Yet I can still hear
Goofball.

This was a great poem, and I look forward to reading more of your work! Keep in mind these are just suggestions - you don't have to take them it you don't want to.




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Mon Jul 02, 2018 9:17 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:


Thanks for sharing this charming poem about two persons who used the term “goofball” to refer to one another in an accepting way. I like the way the poem points the out and later shows how others consider the personality of the speaker in a negative way. Also how the speaker remembers with deep affection how she or he was referred with the endearing term of “goofball” and that is all that really matters. The poem has the capacity to stir the emotion of longing to find a similar kind of person who sees ones’s faults and accepts them unconditionally. The tempo ad the tone weere perfect as is the diction.


Suggestions
Just some punctuation I feel wuill enhance the read.


We called each other goofball[.]

We laughed, we loved[.]

You breathed your last[.]

You died[.] [Redundant since we already know the person died when he breathed his last.]

I was a mess[.]

I was broken[.]

I still hear the words they mocked [What words did they mock and who are they?]

I still feel the depression[.]

They tell me that I'm not . . .

I'm not pretty enough[,]

[n]ot smart enough[,]

[n]ot skinny enough[,]

[n]ot nice enough[,]

[n]ot good enough[.]

[n]ot enough[.]

Yet[,] all I hear is goofball[.]


Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.





Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher