....a train lowing
in a star-plucked field,
cold
having uncoiled, the dark ratcheted-in.
....and I'm descending,
.........gear for gear,
into the engine of silence.
and static of aloneness, the dark speaking
....in tongues.
Before morning,
my limbs will have become light-strewn, fire-blown,
flowered with nebulous gasses:
rent into colors,
....the idea of light
before it explodes with meaning.
.........with its doll face and old eyes,
is brittle and still as a bated breath.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Excellent, the best of yours I've read yet. I loved the format and the atmosphere, especially in the first two stanzas.
There were a couple parts I didn't think quite fit:
I didn't think "So it is" sounded right here - it seemed too formal, too dark and depressed.
Same here. It doesn't fit with the impression I get of the narrator up until that point. The narrator seems older, less egotistical, less self-centered and more humbled than in some of your other poems that I've read, but this seems to come from a cynical, nervously-tense, self-absorbed person. The narrator in this poem is a romantic in the way he describes the setting at the beginning. He is willing to show his weaknesses to his audience, able to put himself at their mercy, and he isn't looking for more power. I love this narrator - he makes a connection with the reader, shows empathy to them and asks for some in return. But I don't think those two lines fit with his character.
Anyway, it's a terrific poem, I loved the imagery and the appeal to all senses, and the overall effect was great. As I said, the first two stanzas are my favorites - I think they're the best examples of poetry I've read on this site so far.
bonafide--
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. "lowing" means to make a sound like a cow, to moo.
I don't know; I tend to think of silence as mechanistic, inhuman, unnatural. "descend" should be read, perhaps, as "down-shifting," as one might do with a manual transmission.
Why would I say "and the night / with its doll face and old eyes"? I suppose the idea here is that evening, darkness, is beautiful ("doll face") and comforting ("old eyes")--doll face and old eyes should, in theory, be working together, but may not be.
At any rate, repetition, thanks for taking the time to read and respond!
Rieda:
Same to you!
Cheers,
Brad
This was really nice. You did a tell thing which I usually don't like but it really turned out to help the poem. I could see the things you were telling about and the lines were brilliantly written and you also had a great range of vocabulary that I could actually understand. lol (JK) I also noticed that the way you layed out the lines.. it helped the poem to flow more beautifully, made it easier to say. I always enjoy reading your poetry.
Keep at it!
-Rieda