E - Everyone Violence

Haunted by R.G. Johnson

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Jack Green stood at the front of the class holding his family photo before the war, before his father had to go fight. Jack was wearing his father’s old trench coat over his school uniform. His favourite features are his eyes. They are as green as grass with a tint of hazel and they are as big as 10 cent pieces. Everyone kept saying that he had his father’s eyes. Jack is the tallest kid in the school at 5 foot 10. He has golden brown hair that has a bit of a wave at the front. Jack was also the oldest boy in his class. Jack’s friend Jenny McCarins was the oldest girl in the class. She was also the prettiest, smartest, most popular girl in the entire school. She has blonde hair that look like it was gold inside but when she was outside it would look white. Jack told his class mates about how life was before the war, before his father went to fight. He explained how his mother and father would take him and his big sister , Anna-Maria, to the beach, how they would half bury their father in sand while he asleep, how they would have ice-cream on the way home where they would sit down to a pork roast. “Told you he’s poor. No wonder no one likes him let alone loves him.” whispered Luke Dwyer the school bully. Luke had been the school bully ever since someone picked on him about having a similar surname to a house hold appliance. Luke looks like a gorilla. He had small piggy eyes that didn’t miss a thing and a nose that was unusually flat. “Luke, you are going to having detention every day this week.” Called out Miss Mahalo. Miss Mahalo is a very pretty and young but she is very strict. “My father will tan my hide.” Exclaimed Luke. “Well you should have thought of that before you picked on Jack. Go to the principal’s office now before I make it two weeks.” barked Miss Mahalo. Luke got up so angrily that his chair fell over. He walked slowly to the front of the classroom till he reached Jack. “Your dead, Jackie old boy.” Luke snarled at Jack. Jack stood there waiting for Luke to punch him. Everyone held their breath waiting for something, anything. Just as Luke pulled back his arm with his fist clenched, someone jumped up and yelled “LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!” Everybody turned around at once to the person who yelled. It was Jenny “What did you say?” growled Luke. “You heard me you big ape. You think you’re so cool going around and being a bully. Well I have news for you! Bullies are so lame that even a caveman would take pity.” Snapped Jenny “yeah?! Well you what? Maybe you think you’re so cool that it’s gone to your head.” Replied Luke. Jenny marched up to Luke where he stood cowering beneath her glare. Jenny pulled back her arm in one swift deceive motion and slap Luke with all her strength!!! Everyone gasped as Luke’s face turned a deep plum colour. Luke turned to face Jenny “you’re going to pay for that you stupid little girl.” He growled at her “oh yeah?! And you and who’s army is going to make me pay?” Jenny snarled. Luke ignored her and turned back to Jack. “See you later, loser” Luke spat at him. Luke walked to the classroom door and turned around. “You’re all going to regret this. Each and every one of you.” Luke pronounced. Luke turned back rounded and walked out, slamming the door behind him. Jack turned back to Jenny “thanks for sticking up for me, Jenny” he stuttered, blushing. “It’s okay. He had it coming for him anyway.” Jenny replied blushing. “Jenny you’ll have to go to the principal’s office I’m afraid. You did a noble thing stick up for Jack like that but slapping Luke was a bit over board, don’t you think so?” Miss Mahalo called out. “Only a little bit Miss. But he deceived it.” Giggled Jenny. As Jenny past Jack she winked at him before opening the door and closing it behind her. Jack walked back to his desk where he sat wondering why Jenny winked at him for the rest of the lesson. He was so busy wondering that he didn’t notice Miss Mahalo handing out notices. When the bell went Jack just got up grabbed his things and went outside to where he and Jenny would hang out when she didn’t want to be with her friends. Jenny was already there waiting for him. Jack was a little surprised because he would have to wait for her normally. “Hey Jack you want to sleep over this weekend?” jenny asked. “Sure. Got a question for you though. Why did you wink at me in class? Is everything okay?” Jack replied. “Oh I was just joking around that’s all. Oh and you’re going to have to sleep in my room because my aunt is staying and she has my cousin with so you can’t sleep in my brother’s room okay? Don’t worry my cousin is usually outside being an idiot, so we can just hang out ok?” jenny added. Jack smiled as he replied “oh okay. I thought for a second we were going to have to hang out with your cousin. I’m not fussed if we have to or not though.”. “Hey Jenny and Jack. Do you want to play a game?” said a voice that made the hair the back of their necks stand on end. “Who said that? Show yourself or I’m going to get a teacher.” Jack called out. “J-Jack whatever you d-don’t look behind you.” Stuttered Jenny. Jack span around to see the nightmare that had been haunting him ever since his father went. There stood his father with hundreds of bullet holes in his body, which looked like it had been rotting very slowly. Jack took several steps back before speaking. “You can’t be real, you just can’t. It’s impossible.” Jenny turned to face Jack. “Jack you thinking what I’m thinking?” whispered jenny. “I’m totally thinking the same thing. RUN FOR IT!!!” Jack yelled. They turned and ran as fast as the wind. They didn’t stop till they reached the school gate. They turned around to find Jack’s nightmare was still behind them. All the other kids in the playground stood where they are in shock from seeing something so horrifying. Jack’s nightmare walk slowly towards him and Jenny. Jack picked up a fallen branch and swang it with all his might. The branch struck the nightmare’s head with a loud crunch. The nightmare started to laugh as it reached up and grabbed the branch. It pulled with such force that Jack stumbled in to the nightmare’s reach. The nightmare grabbed Jack’s throat and lifted Jack into the air. Jack kicked and squirmed with all his might but he couldn’t. Jenny screamed “Let him go you brute! “Make me, you stupid little girl” laughed the nightmare. Jenny’s face turned a deep scarlet as she snarled “How dare you filthy, evil, piece of dirt. I am the smartest student in the school and you think I’m stupid?!” the nightmare dropped Jack as it shrunk in the sight of Jenny towering over it. It must have done some quick thinking as it suddenly grabbed her throat and pulled her towards its face. Jack looked around for something to kill the nightmare with but all he could see was a couple fallen branches and some rocks. Wait a sec… if I tied one of the rocks to one of the branches, I would have a weapon. But what am i going to use as rope? Thought Jack. He ran inside one of the classrooms and rummaged through the arts and craft draws. He found a roll of string as he saw a pair of scissors. He grabbed the pair of scissors and ran back outside. Jenny’s lips were starting to turn blue when Jack returned. Jack held the scissors in his hand as he walked up to the nightmare’s back. Jack pulled back his arm and with all his might stabbed the nightmare. Instead of there being blood there was a bright white light. Jack covered his eyes with his hand as the nightmare shrieked as loudly as it could. A hole appeared in the ground at the nightmare’s feet and the nightmare dropped Jenny as it stepped towards the hole. Jack rushed forward and knelt beside jenny. The nightmare jump in to the hole as it the hole grew bigger. The nightmare vanished from sight as the hole grew smaller. Jack looked worrying at Jenny. “Jenny…” Jack whispered. “ I’ll be alright. Now move or slap you for being an idiot.” Replied Jenny. Jack smiled as he did what he was told. Jenny sat up slowly. Jack stood up and helped Jenny to her feet as she shook her head slightly. “do think its dead?” Jenny asked quietly as everyone around rushes to them. “no. I think its still alive, what ever it is.” Replied Jack

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hi, bobiscrazy998. This is Pinkieishere1345. I like review this short story so I will try my best on it.

Well, I am sorry to say this...well, this story didn't got me hook into it. It seems like a interesting story, but still not fan at this. You have some errors on here that you need to fix. Also, the characters didn't seem like my favorite ones. They looked kind of flat-like as a rug. I knew that you wrote about the characters in the beginning, but it still not very helpful. Maybe you do the things that Wolfare1 said about character development or something like that.

Well, that's for this review. I am sorry that I am rude to you. I am just being helpful like everyone in here. Well, I hope you write more. See ya next time.

Good Job!

Love,

Pinkieishere1345

User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hello, bobis, Wolf here for a review.

So, the very first thing I noticed when I looked at this piece is the lack of paragraphs. I'm not sure if it was a formatting issue, or if you just didn't know, but remember a paragraph is needed after a new topic is introduced or if there is new dialogue. However, try not to make your paragraphs too long, since the average paragraph is only five to seven sentences (though there can be some two sentence paragraphs.) Here's an example of some paragraphs:

Yesterday, Mom and I went to the ice cream parlor. The drive there was so short I barely go through telling her about my day. It seemed that as soon as I got three sentences out of my mouth we arrived.

After Mom parked the car, she led me inside. It was so magnificent with ice cream cone blowups hanging from the ceiling. There were also so many things to chose from! For nearly five minutes I debated between chocolate and strawberry.

"Welcome to Joe's Ice Cream Palor!" the cashier greeted us. "How may I help you?"

"Lilie here wants a waffle cone with strawberry ice cream," my mom orders, "and I also want one."


That may have not been the best example, but I think you get what I mean. The other thing I tried to show you is the punctuation in dialogue. More than one sentence is acceptable, but try to have correct capitalization and punctuation.

Onto content! So I'm kind of confused what the point of all this is... You start off kind of explaining the life of this boy, Jack. Such as how his dad is supposably at war and fighting, leaving his family kind of poor, and he gets bullied 'cause of that. Yeah, sure, but the bullying scene looks like such a big deal and such an important part of the overall story, but by the end it's not and apt of stuff is just left hanging.

Really, I don't find this believable at all. I understand the ending was supposed to be supernatural and all that, but there are so many things wrong there, so I'll start from the beginning:

First, the bully mutters something about Jack being poor and all that and he gets a week detention, what? That's a little bit much, don't you think? Then, he is sent to the principal's office for that and he just stands in the front of the class about to punch Jack and the teacher does absolutely nothing about it, and Jack just stands there. Like what? Also, even if someone screamed at him to stop, he would still go through with the punch, not just stop.

Also, Jenny's character seems a little bit 'too perfect' since she's supposably smart, funny, popular, a good friend, what? Nobody is that perfect. Try to make her character more well rounded and more relatable rather than a completely perfect person.

Finally, in the end, how in the world did Jack have that much time to find the scissors and kill the creature... with scissors! Jenny would've been dead by the time he even reached the class room! I don't know what he's supposed to do, but try to keep it realistic. (I also don't understand how getting stabbed in the back with whatever it was would destroy a demon that easily.)

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I have one last critique. There is a lot of telling done here. In the beginning we are just straight up told everything we need to know about these characters, which makes it kind of boring. Develope your characters through dialogue, actions, stuff like that. We're smart, we can assume that Luke is the bully without all that stuff, and Jack can be assumed poor by his dress, and you don't have to describe him right in the beginning. Wait for a better time when it's more important.

However, your concept was pretty interesting, and I feel that if you can execute it better, this will be super interesting! Don't feel discouraged though because of my criticism, I really did like it, but not so much that I'm moved really. You have potential and everyone has to start somewhere! I hope to see more works for you! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

i understand what your saying but it's a work in progress. You must understand that it's hard when i have homework to complete and assignment due so yeah. thanks for the review either way though so thanks for the help
love from,
bobiscrazy998



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