This is one of my first attempts at poetry. Since I have nothing else to say, here it goes:
Dark clouds hover above my head
They follow where ever I tread
There is no day, only night
Yet the flames of hope are my light
Nothing but turmoil and strife
But I have to get on with life
It seems like I'm the only one there
Though a faint flicker of hope still flares
My faith rattles and shakes
My soul sighs and aches
But through this journey I have learned
That the flames of hope forever burn
Though times are tough, hope is at my side
To forever be my shining guide.
What do you think? Like it? Hate it?
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Aww thanks Annie.
Love the title this is AWESOME!
It's a good start! Needs work though.... How about a few deep, meaningful words?
Dark clouds hover above my head
They follow where ever I tread
There is no day, only night
Yet the flames of hope are my lightWonderful start!
Nothing but turmoil and strife
But I have to get on with lifeAnd...eeks! Too casual for the flow of the piece!
It seems like I'm the only one there
Though a faint flicker of hope still flares
My faith rattles and shakes
My soul sighs and aches
But through this journey I have learned
That the flames of hope forever burnAnd it continues its excellence
Though times are tough, hope is at my side
To forever be my shining guide.Fantastic poem, as I am never a big fan of rhyming except for Dr. Suess and limericks!
Thanks for the reviews. Glad you liked my poem.
I like the flow of the poem, but don't forget, that rhyming isn't always necessary in a poem. Sometimes rhyming can ruin a poem because the writer sometimes focuses so much on the rhyming, that they forget about the poem. Luckily, this was not one of those times, you did a great job!
In the first stanza, I think the blue (at least I think it's blue) line, should take the place of the one below the very first line. It would keep the rhyming from being too close, in my opinion, and make it a rhyme every other line. It might sound better. But I'm not sure if that ruins anything... Your choice. Just a suggestion, maybe abad one but yeah O.o
I'm going to say the same thing about "But I have to get on with life". It should be below the third line O.o XD Well in my opinion...
I really like the third stanza. The words were well chosen, and the rhyming is all right, it fits in with it all, and also the two lines below. So, I guess I liked the ending the best, it all flew well to me ^^. It's a pretty poem, and I love the use of fire :]. It's used a lot but it never gets old to me!
I'm here as requested.
I can see that this already has a lot of reviews, so I may be quite repetitive xD
)
The first thing I'm going to tell you is that since this was a first attempt at poetry, it was actually not that bad. There are a few things I'd like to point out, however. (As there always are.
Number one being the use of rhymes and the flow of your poem. It wasn't bad in some parts, but there were definitely areas where the flow broke up:
The first line two lines are probably my least favorite here. The flow is automatically broken before it is established. It's the second line, it doesn't have enough syllables. It's a quick fix if you add 'me' before 'where ever.' Although, if you can think of anything better, that would be good, too.
One more thing is that dark clouds hovering over heads is a bit cliché, so watch for that.
For the last part of the stanza, it's the exact opposite. The first line is the one that seems too short. Or, maybe the second line is too long. (I like the first line, so we'll go with the latter for now.
This was one of two things for me: It was a bit on the choppy side, and didn't really have much 'flow' at all. It also sounds a bit too angsty for my likings, but I'll elaborate on that a little later.
Now, I'd just like to talk about the rhyme-scheme in general for a second. It's a cute scheme, but I find that forcing your poem into rhyming will both a) ruin the flow [because you can't use a line that will keep the flow running smoothly unless you can find one that rhymes, which isn't always the case. Especially if you want to keep the rest of the line as it is] and then b) limit your imagery. Basically for the same reasons that they ruin your flow. You have to use certain words, and finding words that don't turn the line into a cliché is often difficult. Now, rhyming definitely isn't wrong, but it's something you have to be careful with and that you definitely don't need.
Now that I'm done with pointing out the flow errors, I'd like to point out a bit of the imagery-typed things.
There seemed to be a mixture of clichés and decent images here. The first one I want to talk about is the
bit.
Now, angst in poems isn't always a terrible thing, BUT... if you're going to be angsty, you need to give us a bit more than a couple lines and dry remarks. You're hurting, the emotion is clear-- but a bit too blunt. You need to work around this, weave some nice images and fresh phrases off of it.
The first line I pointed out, I also pointed out that it was a cliché. (Which I should have done down here, but oh well.) Watch for things that sound too familiar, things that you know have been done before. Or, don't use phrases that you know exist already. What I find helps get around cliché lines is thinking OF a cliché line, and then thinking of synonyms or a way to twist it into something new.
But, as I said earlier, since this is a first for you in poetry, it's pretty decent. (Better than a lot of 'firsts' that I've read over the years.
Hope this helped (and I apologize if some of it seems a little ramble-y xD)
xoxo
~Ish
I do like it but I feel it could be improved. For example, I feel you could have used some similies in this case to help readers identify your hardships and hope.
Brook
I do like it but I feel it could be improved. For example, I feel you could have used some similies in this case to help readers identify your hardships and hope.
Brook
Thanks for the review, Toe.
It's great! First of all, great rhyming. Secondly, I love the constant use of descriptions and details (for a poem). Thirdly, great flow.
Two nitpicks though.
These two lines are great except that if you faith would rattle and shake, I would assume there was a conflict in the beginning of this poem, which I don't clearly see. That's just my opinion.
Amazing. I think if you would ended your poem here it would have been better. Plus I don't feel that these lines flow with the two above them.
Good work. Keep this up.
Hey bluewaterlily, CaptianRandom here.
I loved this poem. i suck at rhyming and in poems it just flowed, which mine never do. It was very good, i can;t really explain it, we should just keep it at VERY WELL DONE, good job, keep up the good work!
-CaptianRandom
-Many crystals with many emotions
Thanks, Lily.
I'm glad you liked my poem. Thanks for reviewing it, It was real sweet of you. 
I love your poem! I like that you are very discriptive yet you keep some parts to yourself, leaving it with mystery and wonder. The reader now can let there mind wonder and put there own experiances to it and connect with it more. Keep writing! You have talent!
Thanks, Bats. That really means a lot.
I love it. You really can tell that you believe in what you say, and this descirbes so many people I know that don't give up. You should definately keep writing poetry. And that's saying a lot from me considering I'm not a huge fan of poetry.
Thanks, Kyle and Dragon. Glad you enjoyed my poem. I'll try to write more poetry.
Hey, blue! I was really meaning to comment earlier, I read it a long time ago. I kept saying 'i"ll do it next' and never got to it. xp but, I'm here now!
Overall: This is an amazing piece! You should write more poetry, blue.You have very meaningful stanzas with incredible depth for the poem's length. Keep writing!
~dragon
I really liked it. You should try more poetry!
Thanks, Ballerina. Glad you enjoyed my poem so much.
This was very nice. The theme is sweet. There is nothing bad about this poem at all. Great job!~Ballerina
Thanks, Em. Yeah, I know a poem can have rythm without ryme to it, but for some reason, I can't write a poem without making it rhyme. Also, making a poem ryhme is the only way I can write it and insure that it haas rythm. I don't know why, but tha's just how it is for me. Anyway thanks for taking the time to read my poem.
Hey, I really liked your poem! I really can't talk, because I've never actually written poetry, but remember poetry doesn't always have to rhyme. You can pattern your poem with stressed and unstressed syllables. Just thought I'd share my thoughts.
Emily
For a first attempt, I think this is great
I love the rhyming, it really works for this poem!
This is definitely my favourite stanza! I love the fact that even though your in pain, hope is always there to aid you.
Overall, I really liked it
Thanks for the reviews everyone.
Its pretty and cute. Every emotion you set on stage was in detail. Keep it up. You are in the right track.
Nice!! KEep on writing!
Hey bluewaterlily,
Considering this is one of your first poetry efforts I will try and be a little less brutal that I might be. I sound like a broken record on these forums today, but first and foremost, remember this when writing poetry: be original. If all you have are flickering flames, tough times and dark clouds over your head, you may as well be writing greetings cards. Familiar and cliche just doesn't cut it in the poetry world, I'm sorry to say. Your ideas have to be presented to the reader in a fresh new way for anyone to bother with them.
See this as a stepping stone on your path. You'll forget it soon enough. Move on, find new ideas, and don't be afraid to be a little bit different.
Hey, Lily,
Here again, I feel that you could do a lot better without the rhyme scheme that you're using. I don't feel that rhyme is everything in a poem, and from your poems I can tell that you have a good deal more potential than you're letting shine because the rhyme is clouding things up a bit.
As far as the poem goes, I felt that there should be more emphasis on hope itself. You call this poem flames of hope, but it seems more focused on the situation where you need hope. I'd recommend adding a bit more of that, and taking out some of the unneccessary parts that seem added solely for rhyme, and you'll be great to go.
June
There are some things that I would recommend you to edit over here.
Instead of
You can use "Clouds are dark, over my head" that will seem better and make a good sense.
This line can be replaced as: "Though faint clicker of hope still flares"
This is poetry, here you can sacrifice a little grammar to sound it better.
This can also be replaced as: "Time is tough, hope is at my side" or "Though time is tough, hope stands my side"
Grammar as well as rhyme wise this seems better, you are using "times" which seems a lot awkward, I think you should be using singular type words here.
That is all I found, topic is great though and it sure have inspirational points. Hope I helped!
#00BFBF ">Hi! well, I loved your poem, it was great....There was great imigary in this peice, and you have talent! My favorite stanza was the third one. It was good, and I enjoyed it!
#00BF80 ">-Eyes
Hey there! This is pretty good. Not great but good. My favorite part were the two lines at the end. I like how they were secluded, it brought more importance to these lines! Overall I guess I would say that I liked this. I'm sure there is a way to make it better, but you wrote it this way and I don't think you should change it.
I liked your poem. I liked how you used the cloud to express your feelings(if that's what you were trying to do)! Genius. I liked it, & I liked the flames of hope. Keep up the good work! If you ever need me, msg me!
-Chardinay
Hey there,
First of all can I say I love your profile picture.. in motion. Very nice !
I quite liked this poem, but I suggest you use punctuations such as commas and full stops in your poems. I like what you wrote about, but for some reason it doesn't sound like you actually mean what you wrote if that it is how you feel. So I think for future references you should write just what you feel inside and ensure the words are not forced for dramatic effect or any other reason.
' Though times are tough,
hope is at my side
To forever be my shining guide. ' - The ending rounds off the poem nicely, but I think you should work on the opening paragraph as it sounds as if you went head first when starting off the poem.
' Dark clouds hover above my head
I feel as though I should be dead
There is no day, only night
Yet the flames of hope are my light ' - It would sound better if you change the second line to something a litlle lighter.. The last two lines are fine!
Hope this helped ^.^
Continue writing
Hello there, Lily! Mizzle here, to review this lovely poem of yours.
Overall:
Well, I have to say, I actually liked this--a lot. I'd just like to remind you to don't forget your use of punctuation, even if this is a poem, it still needs it (at least in this case it does). I like the idea and concept behind this, but the last two lines are unnecessary. I would remove them and let it end on the third stanza, the one before those two lines.
Hope this helps. If you have any questions, just PM me.
-Mizz-
Hey, I'm no Shakespeare or Poe myself, but I like it. I like your rhyme and how you keep repeating the theme of hope being like fire, and light.