This is the preface of a new novel I'm working on. It's kind of an Asian fantasy story about dragons.
The crowd of dragon parted as Kier angrily stalked up to his brother, Yein. Uneasy looks were exchanged as the massive black dragon glared at Yein, eyes blazing with hatred. Yein lifted his head with dignity and met his brother's gaze calmly.
"What do you want, Kier?" he asked.
"I want what should have been rightfully mine, the title of King." Yein's heart skipped a beat, and growls of surprise could be heard from the mouths of hundreds of dragons. I suppose it was only a matter of time before this happened, Yein thought ruefully. Being the eldest, Yein was given the thing his brother wanted most in the world, the title of King. But when a dragon challenged another dragon, they had to fight to the death. This left Keir at an unfair advantage, for Yein was bound to the Ancient Laws established by the first Dragon King that prohibited him from killing another of his own kind. If that wasn't bad enough, if Yein refused then he would be exiled and Keir would become King. Inwardly, Yein cursed the foolish first Dragon King and the frivolous Ancient Laws.
Kier stared at Yein smugly. Yein returned his brother's gaze confidently, but inside, he was a wreck. Hundreds of fearful faces stared at Yein. His heart constricted. They were his people, and he would fight for the. The thought of losing terrified him. But if he didn't try, then Keir would become King. And that thought was too much to bear.
"I accept your challenge," Yein said quietly. Keir shot him a smug look before unfurling his wings and flying off into the distance. Yein stared at the crowd of dragons. They stared back, and even though Yein could see the fear in their eyes, he also saw something else, hope. Yein averted his gaze, unable to bear their hopeful faces. But then he realized he was allowing himself to slip into despair. If he despaired, then he was already as good as lost, and this was one fight he couldn't lose. Yein summoned his strength. After taking one last glance at the crowd, Yein spread his wings and took flight, straining to catch up with his brother. Since he had a strenuous, lithe build, Yein was able to catch up with Keir easily.
For hours they circled the night sky. Keir was so dark he blended in with the night sky. For hours, they had circled each other, a tense silence in the air. The only sound that could be heard was the beating of wings and the Keir's agitated breathing. His muscles were taut with impatience. Not able to bear it any longer, the Keir let forth a roar so mighty, the earth shook. Then he charged, bombarding the his brother with a series of attacks using tooth, claw, and fire. However, Yein avoided every blow, twirling nimbly out the way with every attack. Growing angrier, the black dragon’s attacks became faster and stronger, fueled by rage. Though, his strength faded quickly, and in a matter of minutes, his muscles burned like the fire within him. Even though the black dragon saw his brother preparing to attack him, he had not the strength or energy stop him. A roar of pain and fury escaped his mouth as the Yein's razor-sharp claws raked his side.
“You’re too impatient, brother,” Yein said, as if he weren’t battling his brother, but instructing a student. Slowly, his tense muscles eased. “If you weren’t so impatient and angry, than perhaps you could defeat me.” His brother glowered at him, flames of hatred blazing in his eyed. Drops of hot dragon blood splattered the ground, though Keir didn't notice, so strong was his hatred for Yein,
Summoning his last bit of strength, Keir roared defiantly and attacked. However, the white dragon easily blocked the black dragon’s feeble attempt of an attack. He shook his head reproachfully.
“Have you learned nothing, brother? You will stop at nothing, will you? But you are still a threat to the world. That is why you shall be put to sleep for all eternity.”
It would be easier to kill the black dragon, but being the King of Dragons, Yein could was bound by the Ancient Laws, which prohibited him from killing another of his own kind. If only his foolish brother hadn't tried to challenge him for the title of king. The white dragon touched his snout to his brother's forehead, willing him to sleep. Even though Yein spoke calmly, he knew his spell would not keep his brother asleep forever, for to cast such a powerful spell would cost him his life. He just hoped his brother didn’t know this secret.
He could only hope that his brother stayed asleep for a long time and that when he woke up, the white dragon was more prepared to fight him. If only his foolish brother hadn't tried to challenge him for the title of king. The spell had affected the white dragon as well, for his energy felt nearly depleted. Knowing there was nothing he could do, the Yein turned and began to fly away.
“What are you doing?” Come and face me, you coward!” Keir bellowed.
"I'll be back with someone who can defeat you," the Yein reassured him, and then he flew off.
Despite his humiliation, he was relieved Yein had left. There was no way he could stand a chance against his brother, for his wound was getting worse, and the spell was beginning to take affect. A heavy fog seemed to cloud Keir's mind, but he refused to give into sleep-at least not yet. He had to find a place to land and rest before he fell from the sky. The dragon’s mind raced, trying to think of a place to rest. He remembered seeing a cave somewhere among the cliffs that he had flown over while dueling his brother. Diving, Keir frantically searched the crags, trying to find the cave. When he began to despair, his eyes caught sight of a cavern wedged between two cliffs. It was more of a crevice actually-at least to a dragon. He eyed the cavern dubiously, wondering if he would be able to squeeze into it. He had to, for Keir knew sleep would overcome him in a matter of minutes.
Slowly, Keir eased himself into the cave. The roof was low, and the walls were narrow, so he felt closed in. At least it is cool, the he thought, his eyes already half-closed. Don’t worry, brother, I will awaken and I will defeat you. For he and his brother knew that the spell was not powerful enough to keep the black dragon asleep forever. How foolish does he think I am? No dragon-not even the King of Dragons- could cast a spell that powerful without taking their life. Reassured by this, the Keir allowed himself to slip into the realm of dreams.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I really like the whole dragon thing. Very few stories are acctually about dragons. Or from the dragon's point of view. It's written really well, I love how I can almost feel Yein's irritation, with his brother and the laws. I do want to know more about Keir though. I didn't sense an ulterior motive, Just that he wanted the throne, and it would be bad if he got it. Mind explaining? Other than that, it was great. Keep Writing!
Hey bluewaterlily,
if it is a crowd then it is plural so dragon should be changed to dragons.LOVE the idea of a dragon story! So far with the prologue it's very captivating and had me wanting to read more! Well done with that!
a few little mistakes I picked up,
A growl comes from deep in the throat, not the mouth.
shouldn't this read "and he would fight for them." ?
the word "and" is a conjunction therefore should not be the beginning of a sentence. the period should be changed to a comma and the word "and" should be fully lower case.
Yein doesn't say anything after this I think that the comma should be a full stop because it is a statement and he isn't going to add anything onto it.
The first full stop could be changed to the word "and" then you could change the second "Yein" to the word "he" so you're not saying his name so often. Don't worry, because it is in the same sentance, everyone will know who you're talking about.
If Yein is able to catch up to his brother easily he would not be straining, you should pick one or the other.
because you begin a new paragraph after this the comma should be a full stop.
you only need two quotation marks so you can get rid of the one after the word doing.
in the beginning of the story you should tell us their colours so when you say this we know which is which. Ie:
again the comma should be a full stop as it is a statement and he does not ellaborate.
I think you can get rid of the word "the"
Other than those little errors it is very well written!
~Missy~
Thanks, Tanya. Sorry for all the mistakes. I forgot to take them out when I was editing the old version. Glad you liked it. And I think the next chapter will be coming out around Thanksgiving. If not then I'll devide the chapter into two parts.
I'm back, Lily!
I think it should be a semicolon instead of a comma.the thoughts should be in italics.
them
As per the online dictionary, Strenuous means, ": Requiring or using great exertion" Not sure that's what you mean, here.
Sinuous, maybe?
I don't like the repitition of 'for hours' here. It's really eye catching. May I suggest rewording it?
I'm not sure why, but you wrote 'the' several times before Keir throughout this piece.
missing a word there. To?
eyes. And there should be a period at the end, not a comma.
You already said that part in the paragraph above. Too much of a repitition, I suggest you cut it.
'had' here is in bold. Might I suggest you chanage it to italics?
Well, congrats! This was much better than the first version. Much easier to follow and the flow was better also. Nicely done. I can't wait to read the next chapter. Is that coming soon?
Tanya
Finally, I have edited Call of the Dragon. Thanks to all who have read and reviewed. Next part will be out soon.
Thanks, Em. Glad you liked it.
Hey blue, i really liked this!!! I'm new to young writer's society and yours is the first I've read! I loved how it started out in ancient times. And I loved how you called them black dragon and white dragon, because it defines their personalities. Also, it helps so that later in the book, you can really get to know the characters. I think this was a great prologue!
Emily
Thanks, Matthews. Glad you liked it.
I like it! I'm totally into the fantasy type stories. I agree that "the white dragon, the black dragon" got REALLY annoying and confusing. Besides that...it's a book I'd read!
Hey there, Lily.
I looked at this and wondered why shouldn't I read it. LOL. So here I am!
I don't have any problem as such with the agitated thing, and it was good kinda, I might have loved the sentence more if you were more focused on his breathing or showed his state with his heart. It's just my personal choice, you know. So go on with you think is right.Yay, you got featured.
I liked this one, Blue!
I liked in the beginning how you started on, but as the end of the sentence approached, I began thinking that you took a big leap and totally didn't unravel much about the entire process he undertook to attack. I won't say much because you might already have described all that in future.
When we write the thoughts of a character exactly in the same manner and form as in they have thought it, we italicize it. So you need to italicize the green part.
Basically I liked the starting but as it stretched on, it got a bit bore, but I think it might be because I am not a big fan of dragons, aliens and all. So, I am not the best person to judge since I haven't ever read a dragon book or watched a movie. And that doesn't mean that your piece doesn't have that power.
As Tanya said, I found it a bit repetitive since you were referring to both the dragons by their colour and sometimes it was getting tough for me to see who did what since at some places it wasn't clearly mentioned. Bit I won't judge right away since this was just a prologue and you can definitely do better than this but reading your previous work I have come to know of the good vocabulary you have and here it was only visible in the start. You lost me somewhere in the middle part but then took off again in the last part. I am not sure what lacked in there, maybe nothing, and it was just me. But I thought I should let you know since you have to get your readers' interest till the end. Right? XD!
Overall, I would say it was mediocre piece. Maybe I'm being judgmental since I have read things better written by you. I really think you should go back and edit this piece or maybe think of re-writing it. I am not sure if I was of great help, but I liked reading it. It surely has potential but I'm warning you for one thing. I found the start to be too active, intense, full of action and all, which might turn off the readers. Don't start your piece with such drama. It might be a good idea to start it subtly and then taking up after that.
Until then bye and PM me for next.
~Shubhi
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed Call Of the Dragon. Soon, I'll edit the prologue and repost it.
Hey bluewaterlily, I'm here to give you a review. This is a very interesting idea. Is the story going to feature dragon protagonists throughout? Because that'd make it hella unique. I like the more Asian-ish bent of the mythology, too. Most dragon stories feature European dragons, and mostly center around dragon riders.
I like the idea of the conflict between two clashing forces; it's a powerful theme and it's fun to explore as well. I think that's what you're aiming for here, and it shows well in the different ways you characterize the two dragons.
That being said, I think you could make this story a lot better. Right now, it's too short--mostly because it is very, very heavy on the telling. I found the last part of the scene, when the dragons were actually talking, more compelling than the first part. The first part--especially the first paragraph--reads less like a story than a summary. It's basically a laundry list. "The black dragon did that, the white dragon did this." You do make some effort at building atmosphere, such as the sound of beating wings and the black dragon's breathing, but so much happens so face that we (the readers) are not given much opportunity to take it all in. The narrative voice also seems detached. I take that you're trying for an omniscient perspective, but the trouble is you don't really delve into the dragons' minds. You mostly tell us that the black dragon is feeling angry and hateful, but you don't really show his anger and hate, or even the reasons for it. It all feels very...detached. Like it's not being told from the perspective of the participants, but from the perspective of some guy sitting on the ground watching it all.
Like I said before, the last part of the scene is better because you slow down the story, pulling the readers into the dragon's heads themselves. I especially liked the last paragraph with the black dragon; I think it displays his character in a stronger way than all those mentions of "he was hateful" did.
Another thing connected to your tell-y description is that you're not all that descriptive. That's probably at least part of the reason why the narration feels so detached. The language is very bland, and a curious mix of formal with inappropriately informal ("He just hoped his brother didn't know his secret"). And to be honest, you're not that creative with your descriptions. As the previous reviewer said, you keep on using "black dragon, white dragon." That's all I know about how they look. One is black, one is white. For all I know, they could be fat cartoon dragons like Spyro. Or they could be classic Chinese long. Or hell, even the Pokemon Rayquaza. Don't lavish paragraphs on physical descriptions, but try to include more than just their colors. Are their colors the only things that differentiates them? Another thing that really struck at me was how you kept repeating how angry the black dragon was, as if doing that would underscore the depths of his anger. Not really, because you're still telling us his anger, not delving into his head and explaining it.
As a matter of fact, I think this prologue could be strengthened a lot if you included the black dragon's reasons for hating his brother so much.
One last note (and I swear I'll be done): this is a personal gripe of mine more than anything, so feel free to disregard it, but I'm always wary of stories that portray light as always good and dark as always bad. The real world is not nearly as rigid and inflexible. Characters who are always one or the other are usually not that interesting to read about. But like I said, this doesn't have anything to do with the quality of your story, just something that bothers me.
Good job here, and good luck with your writing. ^^ PM me if you have any questions.
Alright, blue, here I am as promised. Once, Apple reviewed my work and told me that writing was like stitching two cloths together, the closer the stitching, the better the work. This is very tight stitching, but let's see if I can try to tighten it. Bold will show comments.
As I said, this is very tight stitch work. Keep writing!!
Thanks, Tanya. I'll work on editing it.
Hey Lily,
Yay! A Dragon story!
So far, it is interesting but I found it to be repetitive. Because you do not name them, it's constantly 'black dragon, white dragon, black dragon'....It just sort of boggles the mind.
Other than that, it is an intriguing beginning. I'm not sure if it completely fits as a prologue because, really, not much was said. I get the idea, but I can't seem to care much whether the white or black dragon won, you know? Because we didn't get to know them before.
I can't wait to see the next chapter, though, and see how you bring out the information in the prologue. Nicely done, Lily!
Tanya