Call of the Dragon-Chaper One Part One

Hey, it's me again~ Remember me from the prologue?

What I liked:
To be honest, after reading the prologue, I wasn't really interested in reading further. I'm glad I decided to give this first chapter a look, because it hooked me in a way that the prologue didn't. Maybe because it starts in a more immediate and intimate manner--rather than the grandiose (and rather uninspired, IMHO) image of a black and white dragon fighting, you start with a girl and her mother and make it clear both are antsy about an upcoming big event. I was intrigued enough to continue further. And I love what little I know of this fantasy world you've created - I have a soft spot for Asian-based fantasy worlds. Anything different from the same-old medieval sword-and-sorcery story is a victory in my book, though. You know how to, to an extent, subtly integrate worldbuilding details into the narrative itself, though there are times when you infodump (more on that later). Above all, I think you've interested me enough to keep reading. Essential in the first part of a first chapter.

What I think could be improved:
I completely agree with the previous reviewers. This is too much, too fast, and you are doing too much telling rather than showing. SLOW DOWN!!! Sorry for the capslock, but this is important. Right now this reads more like a summary of a first chapter than a first chapter itself. You have created an interesting world, and sketches of interesting characters--but that's the thing. Your characters aren't yet characters. I don't understand their mindsets, thoughts, even personalities! They seem more like roles right now--ambitious mother, dutiful but nervous daughter. There are also incidences where you infodump--when you suddenly retell the prologue story (making me question the overall relevance of the prologue), and when you describe the Call of the Dragon. Isn't it better to let readers find these things out gradually? Let us keep a sense of mystery as to what Mitsuko and Mali are doing. At the beginning of the story I had no idea why they were preparing; I kind of thought it was because Mitsuko was getting married. It'd be nice to maintain that sentence of mystery throughout this chapter. And please show us more of Mitsuko's personality! She's basically a blank slate at this time. Like the previous reviewer said, all her reactions are bog-standard. What's she thinking? What does she feel? I get that she's nervous, but only in a very shallow way. I'm also uncertain about what she thinks of her mother. I suggest that you show us more of her home life before bringing us to the Call of the Dragon ceremony. For a story like this I think it would work better to establish your characters before your plot, so we'll be more invested in seeing Mitsuko succeed in the ceremony. In fact it would be best to leave off the first chapter overall (rather than the middle) with Mitsuko being chosen.

One last little thing--at one point, you rather jarred me away from this otherwise coherent fantasy world when you used the word 'Asian.' If this is a world completely separate from our own (instead of some alternate or post-apocalyptic version of it...), then please try to avoid real-world geographical terms like that. It'll make your world more believable. Also, though it doesn't bother me personally, some might think that the beginning (especially the "bring honor to your family" part) is too similar to Mulan.

There is an excellent YA novel which I think is a bit similar to this one, so I'll recommend it to you: Eon: Dragoneye Reborn, by Alison Goodman. It starts a bit slow, but provides an excellent example of integrating worldbuilding details into the story itself (if you ignore the purely infodumpy prologue which I believe is unnecessary). Plus it's also an Asian-based fantasy culture like yours.

Sorry if I came across as too harsh. I really did want to enjoy this piece, and if anything it did interest me enough for me to keep reading. The one problem that blindsided me more than anything is that it's way too fast, which has an easy solution: just slow down!

PM me if you have any questions, and good luck with your writing.

I agree with wickedwonder's sentiment. Here are my comments, typed up as I read the piece:

I feel detached from the characters because the prose is isolated from any emotion. The whole bathing process is written in a very formulaic way.

Also, don't fear the word said. Attaching other dialog tags draws attention to the word. Said is useful because your brain skips over it, which makes your prose less cumbersome.

A 'gaze into the mirror' moment used to describe the character may seem clever, but it's hackneyed and dull.

Suddenly skipping to other characters without a break or any sort of warning threw me off. I hadn't even come to terms with the mother and daughter before they were suddenly discarded and some guy named Keir became the focus. I don't understand the relationships between the characters. How do they relate to each other?

Switching to other viewpoints and making the opening jolting is something that can work, but it requires the reader's trust. Reading is like a blindfolded person holding your hand as you lead them along a path where they can't quite figure out where they're going. If you want the blinded reader to trust you, you'll have to convince them first - by using something. Spectacular imagery, a catchy premise that hooks them - something! Otherwise they'll rip off the blindfold and leave your story in an instant.

And why isn't Keir reacting to the necessity of killing his brother? Without emotion, these aren't really characters at all. They're more like puppets, enslaved to the plot line.

The reactions of the character that are given, like Mitsuko gasping as she is chosen, seem common place and don't help explain her personality. More than this, I knew that she would be chosen as soon as the idea of The Chosen One cropped up in the paragraph about The Advocate. It's expected that your main character will become the special person, so I'm not sure what necessitates this part of the novel at all? Maybe you could start your narration at a different point that will carry more intrigue than this.

Hope this helps. If you need any clarification or have questions, please feel free to approach me.

Okay, so Im gonna nitpick your first couple of paragraphs to, basically shreds. Ready?

Mali led Mitsuko behind the shoji screen where a tub of steaming water awaited her. Mitsuko disrobed and stepped into the tub; the water smelled faintly of jasmine. As soon as Mitsuko was in the tub, Mali began to scrub her daughter's skin hard, trying to wash away as much dirt as possible. Though this wasn't necessary since Mitsuko bathed everyday.

Next, Mali's hands began to scrub Mitsuko's hair, right down to the scalp. Mitsuko struggled as Mali pulled and tugged at her hair. This caused Mali to scrub harder. Resigned, Mitsuko kept her head still until her mother was done. Mitsuko stepped out the tub, and Mali gave her a towel to dry off with. When Mitsuko was dry, she slipped into her under robes. Mali wrapped a band around Mitsuko’s torso three times, each wrap tighter than the last. Mitsuko’s lungs constricted, straining for air.Mali helped Mitsuko into a red silk robe embroidered with dragons. She then tied a golden silk sash around the robe’s waist. Mitsuko raised the hem of the robe, so her feet showed. She slid her feet into the matching slippers. Mitsuko wriggled her toes, trying to ignore the fact that they were pinching her feet.

Mali led Mitsuko to a vanity with several jars of paints, powders, and perfumes arranged on it. Mitsuko took a seat in the wooden chair, and Mali began passing a comb through her dark brown hair. Minutes later, she piled it on top Mitsuko’s head in a traditional Asian hairstyle. The rest of the hair, she plaited and pinned in place. To finish it off, Mali adorned Mitsuko’s hair with a pearl dragon comb. Mitsuko stared at her reflection, admiring the elaborate hairstyle.

Mali moved onto the makeup. She started with the white face paint, carefully applying it on Mitsuko’s face. Next, she dipped a finger into a bowl of bright red paint and smeared it across Mitsuko’s lips. Mitsuko resisted the urge to wipe the greasy stuff off. Mali brushed her cheeks with a rosy, pink powder.

“Close your eyes,” Mali ordered. Mitsuko obeyed as her eyes were layered with kohl.

“Now open your eyes,” Mali said. Mitsuko’s eyes fluttered open as she peered at herself in the mirror.

She gasped. The face paint made her features glow like porcelain The black kohl caused her eyes to appear wider and rounder. The red lip-paint madder her lips seem fuller, and because of the pale pink blush, Mitsuko’s cheekbones looked more prominent. There was only one word to describe her. Beautiful. Mitsuko looked at fragile and perfect as a porcelain doll. Mali smiled with satisfaction.

“Yes, you’re beautiful,” Mali said tenderly, voice trembling with emotion. “Now one more thing you need.” She retrieved a string of pearls from the inside of her robe and slipped it over Mitsuko’s neck to represent the goodness and Light inside Yein. Mali beamed at her daughter with pride.