I clinked my glass drink against Johnny’s before drinking out of it. I surveyed the room over the top of my glass. My good friend Johnny had just graduated. My own graduation party seemed like such a long time ago now, even though mine had only been last year.
My gaze wandered around the room before falling upon a beautiful, petite, tall, blonde. I felt my craving hit me like a wave at the beach, I felt it pulling me under. The need seemed to consume me. All that mattered was her. The rest of the world seemed to fade away as my vision focused solely on her.
She seemed to glide away into the crowd. I followed the glimpses of her blonde hair that shimmered like silver spider threads. It felt like the crowd was swallowing me, but the only thing saving me was the spider’s threads that was just out of arms reach.
Soon, I was outside. She stood in front of me, her hair glowing like halo of silver framing her soft delicate face. Her soft almost childlike features, she looked like an angel. She reached her hand out to me. My beautiful angel was reaching her hand out to me, saving me.
I gently took her hand, so small compared to my larger one. She gently pulled me toward her looking in my eyes, those beautiful brown orbs, filled with such sadness. She pulled me in to a hug, pressing her soft lips against my neck as I felt a tear run down her cheek. Suddenly that wave was pulling me under again. My vision pinpointed on her neck. I watched the blood pulse under it as I smelled that sweet perfume of hers, like a lily in the cold of winter. My fangs ached. My felt myself move closer to her, as my vision turned red around the edges. The anger and the disgust of what I was about to do, I was going to destroy something so perfect, seemed to fuel the need. I realized my choice, destroy something so beautiful, or leave and attack and destroy some other woman. But before I could make the choice I felt myself cave in, and my fangs were sunk in to her jugular.
I heard her cry out softly. But it seemed muffled, like I was underwater. Her blood filled my mouth, it tasted so sweet, and it was like water for a dying man. Soon I felt her grip on me loosening, but I couldn’t stop. As the need drained away, with her last breath I heard her whisper “Thank you for ending it.”
I pulled away, looking at her delicate pristine face. Her eyes were closed with a small smile on her lips, giving her a peaceful, serene look. She seemed as though she was only sleeping. The realization of what I had done hit me. I had destroyed such a beautiful angelic like creature. I could feel the sticky web of what I had done wrapping me further and further in.
I felt the tears run down my face. They fell on her cheek as I held her in my arms, their red hue staining her creamy skin. Her body was starting to chill from her lack of blood in the cold air.
I felt the first rain drops hit my face, I watched as they washed away the sin of my tears from this beautiful creature. I watched the trails of my sin run down her skin, as she rested peacefully dreaming of something beautiful and sinless.
I gently carried her to the gazebo not far away, out of the rain. We danced, with the rhythm of the rain as our song, we twirled and spun. She was as graceful as a swan. Just as I had figured she would be. I gently sat her down as our song came to a close. I looked at her resting face, the moonlight casting shadows on her soft supple skin. I gently wrapped my jacket around her to keep her warm. I leaned in and whispered softly "Rest your eyes, my dear", and kissed her goodnight.
As I walked away I wiped the blood of my tears away from my face. I smiled, because I knew we would meet again. She was just dreaming, and hopefully I could join her one day, In a dream of pure beauty, a world without sin.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello bluenekogirl,
Myjaspercat here for your review
Ok, so before I begin the rest of my review I want to throw a little disclaimer out there (something I do for every review based off of a supernatural story). Writing a story based off of Vampires (werewolves or even zombies) can become so cliché. You want to take the idea and make it your own. As well I apologize in advance if I sound super harsh/mean, I don't want to hurt your feelings. Now that I got this out of the way, I will continue on with the review...
1.) "I clinked my glass drink against Johnny’s before drinking out of it. I surveyed the room over the top of my glass. My good friend Johnny had just graduated. My own graduation party seemed like such a long time ago now, even though mine had only been last year."
----So, as the beginning of the story, you are supposed to hook your reader. You know, give them something to wow and want to continue reading. However, you seem to start off really cliché (sorry for being blunt). It doesn't really make me want to continue reading, it's like a bad smelling piece of beef-jerky that no matter how hard you want to eat you just can't. (Again, so sorry if I sound to mean.) But the blatant truth is that this beginning seems to have been written one to many times. (I will add more of this @ the end.) The next thing I want to bring up is the wording, in the first sentence you say 'I clinked my glass drink against Johnny’s before drinking out of it.' this sounds rather weird; of course you/ the narrator would drink out of the glass so I don't think that there is a need to actually state it in the actual writing. Another thing, why should your reader care that the narrator's friend just graduated? Does this have something significant to the rest of the story?
2.) "My gaze wandered around the room before falling upon a beautiful, petite, tall, blonde."
----I want to know more about this girl. If she caught your attention, then there has to be something more then just the simple looks. You tell your reader that you start to crave something (which I am assuming is blood) so you could describe what it is they exactly crave. What did it smell like? Did it leave a weird taste in your mouth. Elaborate more on this. But like I said earlier, what is different about this woman. Dose she have a certain scent? Besides being tall and petite what else does her body look like? Does she have curves? A butt, boobs? This may sound kind of stupid (and maybe a little perverted) but small things can help your reader fully grasp your story. Go into more depth. Why does she make you want her? What is so drawing?
3.) CRUTCH WORDS: you have a crutch word and that word is 'seems', with in the first four small paragraphs, you use this word 5 times already. Try not to repeat the same word more then once, it makes your writing start to look clunky.
4.) "Soon, I was outside. She stood in front of me, her hair glowing like halo of silver framing her soft delicate face. Her soft almost childlike features, she looked like an angel."
----A few things here, A.) you used the word 'soft' twice within only a few words. (*Remember what I said about crutch words.) B.) How were her features childlike? Explain. C.) The second sentence in this small fragment doesn't really make that much sense. I believe if you read it to yourself out loud then you would understand what I mean.
5.) "My beautiful angel was reaching her hand out to me, saving me."
----This sentence should be cut all together. It doesn't really flow with what you have written and it seems to repeat what has been written already.
I think that is all I want to say with this piece. I believe what I mentioned above will help for the whole piece.
AN EFFECTIVE OPPENING:
"1. Remember than published books have gone through several drafts, and that you do not need to focus on writing an effective/compelling into in your first draft, or even your second. Strong introductions are often layered, meaning they establish multiple things simultaneously--character, setting, theme, tone, etc. That shit ain't easy. So take your time and learn how best to consolidate the different ideas into the intro.
2. Do not think of your "hook" like a pop song. I usually see this in young writers' first sentences: they go for a sentence that sounds catchy and interesting, something that will stick in your head instead of something that sets up a scene and immerses the reader into the story. This usually produces shallow introductions that are just there to sound pretty (not necessarily using flowery language, mind you) instead of containing any depth.
That said, some powerful opening lines are catchy. Take Tolstoy's Anna Karenina: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
That line is catchy, and is one of the most quoted lines in literary history, but it pertains to the books greater themes, and the following paragraphs follow up on it by describing a rather chaotic family focusing on a male adulterer, Prince Stepan Oblonsky.
To restate my point: Don't just write an intro for the sake of sounding nice. Your writing is not a pop song. You should not just make a pretty arrangement of words in belief that it will make readers want to continue. Bring them into the story. That will keep them going."
-----Anyways, good luck and continue writing----Myjaspercat
Hello there.
Alright then. Quite the interesting piece this is. The descriptions are really lavishing and very descriptive, almost overly so. There is a balance between too little description and too much. I'm sure you know that too little makes the writing drab, but too much makes the writing to dense and difficult to make it through. Too much description is just as harmful, because they can at one point become burning and dull in the same way.
You continuously describe this girl as perfect, a creature of perfection, beautiful, sinless, and that's alright at first to help us get a picture in our head, but there still becomes too much. And another thing is all the description is focused on her. What about this guy, Johnny? There was literally no context given to us about him. Why? Because he didn't seem to matter, but you mentioned him in the first place. None of the descriptions of the areas there were in prevailed. Because they didn't matter? No. They matter just as much as the girl, even more so, because we can live without vast descriptions of her, but if we don't know the surroundings, then the story becomes a blur.
Onto sentences. It seems like you are so wrapped up in trying to describe the girl, that the rest of the flow is ignored. The actions are simple, the transitions between scenes choppy. Everything revolved around this girl, so much so that the rest of the flow was interrupted. Lots of the sentences started with pronouns or 'the', occasionally a conjunction. But it feels so much more like a list with everything else and it's disconnected and choppy. Try to secure that flow by rearranging sentences, include dependent clauses, participles. Avoid starting every sentence with a pronoun, but not so much that it decomes excessive. Find the balance.
Another thing I noticed is that everything goes by so quickly. This vampire person becomes so attached to this girl in so little time and by the end I'm left confused on how it all just happened. He met a girl, they went outside, he sucked her blood, and they dance before she died. There is so much more you can do with this if it was drawn out a bit more. Given much more feeling to his struggle. Add that emotion into there as he fights against himself to not tarnish the perfect being.
Overall, this is a good start and a skeleton for what it can become. You nailed the descriptions, but work on toning hers down some and creating more around the scene. Remember, details are usually important, but don't include things that will never be relevant (like the graduation party. Just say it's a party and leave it at that.) Finally, draw out more emotion and work in the flow. Good luck!
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
hey, Inked here!
Kay so I like the way you described the girl, as a creature of beauty. Sometimes she seemed more object like than a person. I think you should focus more on detailing the want. Why did you want her? Why couldn't you suppress it? How much did it hurt when she gave herself, even though your character didn't want to hurt her?
I want to know more. You keep me wondering. What does the main character look like?
Who was this girl? What was so angelic about her? I like how you said the halo of light around her, but I can't help but want more.
you have talent though, so keep it up.
~Peace out!
Inked.