Hello! Firstly, I'd like to say that this is a really interesting short story, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! Theses types of short stories are my favorites to read, so I'm always glad when one ends up on YWS
Moving on to my actual review:
I think that your general vocabulary is worth commendation. You have sophisticated language that is flowery -- but not too flowery -- that really suits the style of story you're going for here.
Your writing itself seems to be well-practiced; you have a solid understanding of good sentence structure, pacing, description, and narration. My criticisms lie outside of these things (i.e. your writing techniques are lovely, let's focus on what you're actually writing.)
“Three people cast themselves into the ocean at this location. Three weeks later, near identical people appear clothesless, no personal belongings at a university in Desperado. They are kept in a secure facility, as you know, and are catatonic.”
I'm using this quote as an example of an issue that seems to plague your hole story -- exposition dumping. You're trying to throw as much information at the reader as possible, and you're doing it in a way that doesn't feel entirely natural. This specific case, since it's dialogue, could also be seen as 'talking heads'. The problem is that it feels very strange for a character to recount events like this, as if they care about telling the reader what's happening. Yes, it makes sense for the character to be contemplating the situation out loud, to the other character, but it doesn't make sense for the detail-by-detail recap. The only reason this would make sense is if this is the first time Caruthers is getting the situation explained to him, but that makes even less sense, because he should definitely have been briefed earlier.
You also tend to exposition-dump in your narration sometimes, although that's a far less noticeable issue, and could just be called a narration technique. I'd definitely suggest that you caution yourself with this type of thing
Second, what's the purpose of the story? Short stories, although small, should be standalone stories. So far we've got the premise of people falling off the cliff and being turned into homuncli by the demon of the void, but what else? Nothing? That's not very satisfying! What exactly is this demon of the void? What's happening to the homuncli? Where does the study go from here? The short story doesn't feel complete as it is; it's just a few interesting scenes. Try expanding on this idea; stretch it out further! It couldn't hurt to try
Hope to read more from you; always great to see more mysterious short story writers here!
Points: 13147
Reviews: 108
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