I love your writing style and you are very descriptive.
Please to review one of my work
Daniel peeked up from his video game when a familiar quiet snort distracted him from somewhere close. His teeth grazed into his lower lip to suppress a smile when he caught a sight of Kei hiding her stretched up lips behind her hand. His heart pounded hard against his chest, and it took all of Daniel's strength to not explode under the warmth radiated from Kei's whole figure.
Kei created art, Daniel swore. How come she looked so cute although what she did was just hugging her book close to herself. Her soft blue sweater caused her usually clouded eyes seemed so mellow and Daniel wanted to provide an eternity of comforting hug just for her. Did Daniel also mention about the cowardly air Kei often emitted? It fondly vanished with another round of timid laugh from the girl.
Right then her presence screamed ease, and Daniel inevitably blushed, his cheeks hot as he covered the lower part of his face with his game, leaving only his eyes to be seen. Daniel wished he can sacrifice himself to be the reason for this perfection, even if it meant becoming a book.
Kei was talking with someone from their grade, a short boy with snow color hair and stitches all over his arms. Rowan Sanderson always became a topic between teachers for his naughty schemes, but everyone knew he had a soft spot for two person. Unfortunately one of them must be Kei. Although Daniel noticed their relationship never crossed the romance line, he still received burning pokes whenever Rowan presented beside Kei.
If only Daniel had the courage to approach her, he would be the one to be on Rowan's place right now. But he didn't have it, so Daniel still was an unnoticed boy to Kei.
I love your writing style and you are very descriptive.
Please to review one of my work
Hey there, Eli here for a review!
The previous reviewers have their rights to point out things that I also have noticed in this work. It is short and maybe this is why I did not get so much information but I noticed that no one else mentioned that one thing that I want to mention right now.
It might be not a controller or maybe a small portable device, but never the game itself. The game is something in the device. He can not take the game and hide himself behind it, you need an object to hide behind not a term or entertainment right?
Someone else mentioned that there is not enought information about the main persona here, Daniel, and they are totally right. You give us more about Rowan than our main protogenist, that is a crime. I love the way you show it to us through Daniel's eyes but why not mention what Kei thinks? Also, the 'two person' that was already mentioned needs to be 'two people'.
Keep on writing!
Hi,
It is an elegant short love story of a boy. I loved the character, everything is in its place. Each character has some taste. It is a short story but meaning hidden inside it is monstrous. I loved the plot and I request you continue this story and make a hunky-dory ending. I love to see the main character's part more.
In the starting, the graph is high. And it is going up.
Nice work. Love to see more stories from you. Keep it up!
@RishabhParmar(Author of Operation Imperial and Women and Mother Earth)
Hey! Charlotte dropping in for a review.
This was an interesting piece. I like the story line and the description of Kei. There are a few nit-picks though.
Firstly, as a reader I felt myself dissatisfied with the description of Daniel. I felt I didn't know enough about him and the situation he was in. However this might just be me, seeing as I tend to look for lots of description in what I read.
Secondly, you said, 'Two person.' This makes no sense and is probably a mistype. As I always do when I write reviews I would like to bring up the topic of editing. Always edit, re edit and re edit your writing again and again, no matter how long it takes.
lastly, why is Daniel only an 'unnoticed boy.? I mean, this all just comes down to my want for more detail, but I feel like there is more to the story than just what is written here. Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, I did actually really like this and look forward to reading more from you.
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