This was hell. I trampled my feet against the hard floor, glanced at the door. The staffs’ voices approached my ears, made my head ache. How could I escape?There were about ten workers behind the door. They will notice me and being impertinent people, ask me when will I go back here.
I scrubbed my itchy neck and my coated arm. Why my arm was twinging? I pulled the blinking sleeve, revealing my redden arm. Oh My! The pain make me uncomfortable. I gazed at the door. Mommy will lecture me if she detect this. I stashed my arm under the sleeve again and the scratchy back. Uh, I hate this.
I stood facing the mirror. My eyes caught a silhouette, my reflection. I spotted fire in my eyes instead of a calm, ocean blue color. My blood boiling and the scratching echo in the room. I glared at the wooden table, a few lines of claw formed.
I abhor my life. Why did daddy built a grand tent? Mommy said the idea was wonderful and agreed to domesticate some monkeys. They tutored those creature and soon, the monkeys could dangled around the tent using a swing. The Moon Brothers-the monkeys group name- received lots of attention. What was so wondrous about them?
A few months later, a troop of teenagers gathered to my father, asking if he lack of performers. Daddy, who wished to retire from his clown act, welcomed them with a pleasant expression on his face. They made the show interesting by bringing in a trained elephant and gave it the stage name, Eli.
Soon, our circus was notorious. Some other animal invaded and the outstanding one is Alex The Lion. He was as huge as a motorbike. I love Alex. But not with the spectators. The kids squealed and the parents observed Alex with a careful stare, each hand protecting their children. They were stupid. Of course Daddy bought a harmless lion. Why would he reserve a lion that eats human? We’re the first prey then.
And the hilarious one, a neon light face guy who did dumb things to make people laugh. He jumped and pretended to die. The viewers enjoyed and chuckles engulfed the tent. What happen if he really die in the show and people giggle at him. He should think of the consequence.
I glimpsed at my figure. Sky blue circles were tinted around my eyes. A big red ball is rooted on my nose and my mouth painted like the joker. Hideous and ridiculous. I hung my head and one piece blue and red strip cloth arched my body as my feet hurled in the leaf like shoes. On my head, rested a big curly blue wig.
I gazed at myself. Daddy was dull. This outfit was foolish. Everything here was silly. How could he do this to me? He should ask someone else. Not me. Have you seen a 13 year old clown before? Yes? No, right.
Here I am, being the only 13 years old clown girl.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was a pretty intense little story here...its got a couple of issues with the overall flow of it, but it does seem like a pretty interesting story, well more details on what I mean, down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh...okay...well this appears to be a fairly intense start here...looks like we're in for a bit of an action scene at this point here....certainly looks like some sort of big escape attempt is about to happen here.
Ouch, that's can't be nice to have at all, oh dear...well this is off to a terrible start right away for out protagonist here.
Oooh, well that seems to building towards a very tense climax there, it looks like an explosion is just starting to bubble here within our protagonist.
Okay...looks like we're taking a slight detour to look at an origin story of some sort here...well that's an interesting move to make there, wonder what's that's going to end up doing here.
Hmm...well we're definitely getting deep into the backstory here, it is definitely quite interesting but not gonna lie it is definitely interfering quite a bit with the overall flow there...cause the start was very fast paced and looked like it was going to be rather intense, now its just slowed down a lot more here.
Hmm...well...the backstory of the development of this circus here is definitely pretty well thought out here.
Okay...well that got dark there at the end there....not a great mindset there.
Well...that's a neat reveal there to show that she is in fact the clown of the circus and she clearly doesn't seem to like being one...and well...that can't be a great combination, the one supposed to make people laugh hates their job.
Well, a real sense of hopelessness and just sadness mixed into that one there...well, that's quite an ending that you got on there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...a pretty neat little story you have here. It needs just a bit more ironing here and it could be even better here. Well anyway that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello, bluecoral, wisegirl22 here for your daily review. Team Pen can never stop!
The title attracted me pretty well, and I think you'll sell lotsa books with it. The only thing is that it needs to be capitalized, to actually receive attention. Also, this big block has some things I can't figure out why they are there. 1. "Bounced" should be "bounce", since it is past tense. 2. No space after the hyphen. 3. Um, maybe you should try considering that no other monkey can bounce around the tent with a swing and receive lots of attention, just like your future book.
"They tutored those creature and soon, the monkeys could bounced around the tent using a swing. The Moon Brothers-the monkeys group name- received lots of attention. What was so wondrous about them?"
Try changing "dump" into "dumb".
"And the hilarious one, a neon light face guy who did dump things to make people laugh."
This story was overall hilarious as well, and I think you could make a lot of money. Keep writing, and follow your dreams!
-wisegirl22
thank you for the review!
You're welcome!
Hi there! So first off, I really did like your story. You are right, you don't ever see clown girls! You're style conveys the narrator's emotions and thoughts really well. I feel sad for your clown girl because she sounds very honest.
Okay, now on to the picky editing bit...
You have some typos. In the line "being an impertinent per" it looks like you just forgot to finish typing the last word. I don't know if it was intentional, but it looks unfinished.
Another one was later on when you wrote "Mommy sad the idea was wonderful." Did you mean to use the word "said"?
Then there was the line "I spotted fire instead of ocean eye contact." I think you're missing a word somewhere because I am not sure what you mean by "ocean eye contact."
I would suggest reading through your story to make sure you fix all of them. Everyone makes little mistakes like that sometimes.
Another editing thing is that you use both the present, past, and future tense. For example, the line "They will notice me and being an impertinent person, asked me when will I go back here."
The staff is noticing her in the future tense, but they are asking in the past tense.
The sentence also has conflicting singular and plural words. You refer to the staff as "They" which is plural, but then call them "an impertinent person" which is singular.
If I am understanding your intent correctly , the sentence (if in future tense) should be written as "They will notice me and being impertinent people, ask me when will I go back here." If you meant to use past tense, keep "asked" and change "will notice" to "noticed."
There were multiple times I noticed the switching of tenses, so look out for that.
Overall, the subject matter and content of your story are very intriguing and has great potential, but you need to brush up on your grammar rules. Grammar is as important as the story itself, and you can break grammar rules sometimes, but only if you have a purpose behind it.
thank for the review!
Hey, bluecoral! Welcome to YWS!
So first of all, I'm going to do some nitpicks, or say things that need correcting.
Nitpicks!
I have underlined what is wrong. This only needs one apostrophe ('), like so: staff's. Also, I have put in red what needs to be corrected. Instead of "arching", it should be "aching", but in this instance it is making my head ache.
I have highlighted in red what is wrong. When you use the letter "i" singularly (on it's own), it needs to be capitalized, whereas, if there are extra letters added on (eg; "if", "is") then it is not Capitalized. That is because you are referring to yourself, as a title. Also, instead of a full stop (.) you need a question mark. Read this aloud and ask: was the main character asking a question? If so, use a question mark. Usually questions are ask when you use the 5W's at the beginning of a sentence (Who, what, why, where and when) and the same rule applies for how.
Firstly, we talking about numerous people/ or a group, you would put "be impertinent" because using a/an means one, like your singling it out. Secondly, "impertinent" what? What do you mean by "per"? Person? But again, if you put "person" you be singling one out. So you might as just put: "They will notice me and be impertinent."
First of all, your "Staff's" is wrong again. Secondly, the punctuation is wrong. You only need one, it is either a full stop or a question mark, and seeing as it is a question, you need a question mark (?).
What does "smarting" mean?
I put in the word you needed in red. (You gazed "at" the door.)
This needs to be "detect".
This is worded a little funnily. Instead, put: "I spotted fire in my eyes instead of a calm, ocean blue color".
I've added the word you need in there in red. (Stared "at" the table).
I've added in the word in red. (Why did she do that?)
Instead of "many", it should be "lots of".
I've added the word you need in red. (Why was the sky blue?)
This is worded funnily. Instead, put: "A few months later, a troop of teenagers gathered to my father, asking if he needed performers."
Should be "welcomed".
I've added in the words you need.
You need to capitalize "daddy".
Dump thing? I think you mean "dumb things".
They? I thought you said there was only one.
I've added the word you need in red.
I've added the word you need in red.
Thus is worded funnily. It should be "Sky blue circles were painted around my eyes".
You don't need "a".
I think you mean "foolish".
This a question. A question mark instead of a full stop.
Did isn't right, so it needs to be "has". "See" is present tense, so it needs to be "seen". "Years" needs to be "year".
Again, capital "I".
So, I see that you have put that you are 14 years old. I am a year older than you and I know my present/past/future tenses, I capitalize the right words and I use correct punctuation. I'm just confused why you do not. So I suggest you look at these three websites: 1) http://www.skillsyouneed.com/write/punctuation1.html, 2) http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp, 3) http://speakspeak.com/resources/english-grammar-rules/structure-of-english-tenses. I hope I helped you out.
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
thank for the review!