Clouds envy my fate today. It always shining brightly non-stop when im in my most awful mood. I peeped out from the plane’s window to look at the scenery. Things doesnt happen they way it should be. Everything is like spinning around non-stop for me. I never had guessed that my life would be this worst. I had been forced by my ‘kind-hearted’ step –mum to study abroad. She knew that i dislike going abroad. But,i think i am alright with the decision 25% because my new school will be in Japan. That's the only thing that benefits me.
I left my friends without a word. I just wondering till when ‘they’ will remember me. For now, i am going with the flow that will take me everywhere that will accept me. I arrived at Machida International Airport at night. The night sky was so pretty that i couldn't take my eyes off the sky.
‘Mellisa! Mellisa! Melissa Edwin! Come here!’
Then i saw a woman about a 40-year old woman waving her hands towards me and called out my name as loud as she could.
‘Cant you shout more loudly than that? ‘ Teased Lisa annoyingly.
This old lady is my adoptive family here. At first sight, i thought she’s the witch who will turns my life, my way all around. But..... we wont know what will happen.
I followed the lady to her car. We talked and talked for hours. She asked me alot of things. After sometime talking. Lisa could hear the lady,sigh and said
‘Oh!! She is really like her mother. She is a good girl Arian. She reminded me to you a lot’.
Lisa was shocked when heard the lady said like that. ‘You knew my mother? For seriously? ‘ asked Lisa unbelieving what she had heard.
The lady nodded and said ‘When you were a little girl, your mother came here to take rest. At that time she was so stressful that i am so worried sick at her. You know your stepmother? Miss Visha , i suppose.? She wanted the wealth so badly that she got to get rid all obstacles that’s in the way.’
Lisa smiled and guessed ’Now i get it. Maybe that's the reason i am being thrown here, right?’ They laughed confusingly until they arrived home.
The house is a traditional house. I like the concept thought. There's so many plants there. Also,there is a farm behind the house. I never had a farm before. I was so amazed. Miss Hidamori (my adoptive parents) allowed me to go flew away seeing the scenery. What else could i do. I flew away as far as i could.
‘Wow!!!!! I never felt the breeze like this before. It is so refresh-ing!’ exclaimed Lisa. On her stroll,she sees a group of friends were playing with each other. They looks so happy together and that made Lisa remember her friends and her childhood’s time,
’I wonder.. how long they will remember me. Or they really wont care. I don't know. So my mission is to search for new life start from now.’ Wish me luck mother.i am now gonna be the best and prove to Visha that even without money i could survive. And so, tomorrow Lisa will start her new school. She was so ex-nervous(excited+nervous).
Lisa went back to the house. Miss Hidamori invited me to have dinner. The food’s there is so.. umm.. unique? I guess. Im not used to this. But.... i have to cop in. Then i just remember what my ‘pretty mother-Visha’ told me before i got on plane
“At there. You will have to go on boarding school. It should be alright for you since you're so independent here.”
Lisa then asked miss Hidamori about that issue. Ms Hidamori could only laughed as hard as she could.
‘Good luck in getting in one,dear. Even your mom,a well-rounded student doesn't get to enter that kind of school here. Your achievement had to be great if you want to enter one here.’ she smiled ‘when i say great it means REALLY GREAT.’
Lisa could only swallowed a stone in her throat. She continued her food and dazed emptily around for hours . she just couldn't imagine that school starts tomorrow. The japanese school lifestyle.
‘I bet all the kids there will be so arrogant because i'm a foreigners’ thought Lisa.
She snapped out from her dilemma ad move forward. She doesn't want to back down without trying her luck. That night, its the first time she had to sleep without her bed. She had to sleep on the floor. But she had just a very goodnight sleep. More than ever.
To be continued.....
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Alright, I like your story. It's well thought out, and has a good plot. But there are grammar issues.
The [I] needs to be capitalized and has to have an apostrophe ['] between it and the [m]. When you say "shining brightly," are you referring to the clouds? If so, you should make that clear by removing the word [It] and replacing it with [They are]
This word should be [don't].
You really should use the word, [bad] here. Or one of its synonyms, such as [horrible], [terrible], [awful], or even [horrendous].
[I]'s always need to be capitalized when they are on their own. And you don't really need to give the percent of how sure your Main Character is. Doing so really makes no sense.
Two different spellings for the same thing. You need to pick one and be consistent.
You don't need to say [woman] twice so close together.
Who is Lisa and where did she come from?
I noticed that you switched points of view often, going from 1st person (I did this, I saw this happen, I thought) to third person (Lisa [she] teased, she saw this, she thought). You need to pick one and stick with it, other wise it gets confusing.
Why does she want to be in Japan so badly?
I thought that while your grammar needs work, your actual story line is very good, and I liked reading it.
Happy Review Day!
Thank you. You really help me.
It is easier to read your story when it is separated into paragraphs. You can decide when to separate it, usually where it makes sense to take a little bit of a pause, or to skip ahead in time a little bit. Also, you need to check your spelling and grammar, punctuation and capitalization. Always capitalize the first word of each sentence! Simple things like capitalization and proper grammar make a literary work so much more fun and easy to read, and will help engage people. Follow the advice of the other reviewers as well, and I can tell that this story will be great!
Here goes my review hope you find it helpful more then not.
First is the length, try on the next one to cut it into parts. I have found on this site if it is too long people will not read all of it. I agree with what abelgaiya has already written out in a review so I will try not to repeat what abelgaiya has already said. I think if you shorten the length, remember to reveal things in time, and clean up the format. This can be a interesting story that a lot of people would read. I'm also a new writer and understand how hard and frustrating it can be at times. Keep pushing through and you can only get better, hope this helps.
Keep writing and above all have fun doing it.
Welcome to YWS! Abel here to review.
I can tell this would be an interesting story, but the format is so unattractive that one cannot read to the end.
You don't really give us good and interesting scenes filled with elements that would make a reader 'feel' Mellisa's environment and character clearly. The writing mixes everything up and what we only get are scenes (some of which are irrelevant and boring) without emotion.
You have to develop the character in a clear way for readers to relate to. Make us know her. Use flashbacks; let her remember a time when she experienced something that was significant.
Use her environment; let her gaze at an object and be reminded of something that lets us know how she feels and how she always feels.
I can see dozens of grammatical errors, but I would not criticize because even I am not perfect. But then again we all need to try. Please, keep on reading novels, and keep on posting here for tips.
Thank you Abel. I appreciate your reviews. This is my first time writing one and share with people. I will try making it more interesting.
I hope you can teach me more and give me more tips.