The Adventure of a Neko-girl? (part 2)

EloquentDragon pretty much covered much of what I wanted to say, so I'm not going to repeat any of the grammar mistakes.

If English is not your first language, then you have a good grasp of it, but your grammar does need work.

And you need to stop switching between points of view so much, so fast without even a page break. It gets a little confusing.

I don't really understand who Lisa is, since I thought that your Main Characters name was Melissa.

And I don't really understand who Hikari is or how Lisa knows her.

Other then that, I think that you are doing good so far.

Happy review day!

KT

Hello!

There are quite a few grammar mistakes, but it's pretty good, especially if English isn't your first language. EloquentDragon got to that, so I'll focus more on the bigger picture.

What is Hikari's problem? Your readers need to know, otherwise, it doesn't make sense...

The ending is so strong and full of emotion. You don't talk about their feelings, but you know that they are there in this statement:

I need to find Hikari. I know she is still alive.

So, just going to say that I don’t really like Nekos, and I don’t really like shojo or romance. But I do like Japan, so here goes.

And so, her worst day is yet to come. She arrived at the school’s gate early in the morning. Ms Hidamori gave me a lift. And told that this will be the first and the last time she would do that. I had to take a public transportation from now on. I can't describe my ex-Nerv feelings.

I couldn't resist the fall. I kissed the floor, so hard that it managed to hurt my chin. That girl who ambushed me just walked away.
She has got a blonde short hair with a ribbon slipped into it.

… to prevent myself from being ashamed.

‘Can't things get any worse than this?’

Groaned Lisa.

“It does really hurt. Luckily you got the stitches in your handbag.(What? This doesn’t make any sense. You need a doctor for stitches. Good thing that you have band-aids in your purse. Otherwise I would have ended up being called ‘bruise-girl’ in this school.” I mumbled to my adoptive parents.

After we had finished registering, Ms Hidamori left. . I was so nervous that I almost called out for an emergency pass to the bathroom.

”Look, who we’ve got here, Miko! It's the new transfer kid you hate.” Said one of the girls who walked over to her.
“Well. I thought you would run after you got hit like that. To be truthful I hate transfer students so much. They just annoy me so much that I can't stand them.” The dark-haired girl stared me in the eyes.
“You look like you don't care about anything. I don't have much time to mess with you now. But later... I will. Mind my words, ‘newbie.’ She left as the bell rang.

Ms. Edagawa tells the class to keep quiet in Japanese language. I understand them quite alright since I have learned to love Japan since I was a kid. Ms. Edagawa then called out for me to stand. I did my introduction just like Ms. Hidamori told me to do. It turned out to be just fine. I was even impressed by myself too. I took my seat near the window.

I just realized that there's a familiar face in front of my seat. I gasp when I remembers. It's the girl who knocked me down. The girl turn around and smiles.
“Hello! My name is Megumi Hinada. I'm sorry for the previous event. I didn't realize that I had bumped into you. I was in a hurry because I was afraid that I was late to school. And don't worry. If any ofmy friends who threaten you in the bathroom bothering you again just tell me. Okay? She winked at me. “They just don't like new students because there’s some cases involving (hmm, I don’t know what this means here at all. What were you trying to say?)

She apologizes with a short bow. I'm very a surprised because she had talked to me in such a casual manner. I was also surprised because I had been able to understand her.
“Oops! I'm sorry. You don't understand what I’m saying, right?’ Megumi then asked in English. Although her English sounded slightly weird, but I thought it was fine because I could still understand her.
“Don't worry. I know how to speak Japanese. I could understand you.” I replied with a smile. Megumi then got up to leave. She said she had a club meeting. Megumi starts to fade away.Megumi had soon vanished.

”I don't care about what you think! All I’m giving you is a warning about that girl. She might look cute and kind, but be careful.” Said a girl from the seat next to me.
She is a black-haired girl with hazel eyes. I don’t know whether she is angry or just giving me advice. She has a very weird strangeaura, and wears a black cat necklace. It attracts me to her.
“Lisa! The student council wants to see you immediately!”

I rush to the student council room, worried that I might make any mistakes that could anger the president. When I enter the president stares at me. In my previous school the president had been a boy. But this president is a girl. And she is a beautiful girl too. At first, when I stepped into the room, I thought I had smelled flowers, and it took my breath away.

Of course every school has almost the same rules right? Hmm. Maybe this one is different. I’ll just have to listen to her talk.

A few minutes after she started talking, I can't help myself from falling asleep like a zombie At last, the first day of school comes to and end or finally ends.

I makes[/] my way to the train station to returnhome. Unexpectedly, I encounter[s]s one of my classmates, I don’t know her name but [b]I remembers her face. It's the black-haired neko girl. (Neko means cat in Japanese).(You don’t need to add that. People who know what a neko is know what a neko is, and you can mention it in the description. Don’t put that in the story itself.

Her face is pale. She walks unsteadily. Suddenly she collapses not far from where I’m sitting. I hurry to help her.

---
An hour later and I am still at the hospital. Luckily, there was a place to take her to nearby. She was admitted and the doctor seemed to have known her. He called her parents after he determinded her condition.
I heard that the girl’s name is “Hikari.” I don't know. I can't complete the puzzle of why she collapsed. The nurses told me that all is going to be okay. But I just can't stop feeling worried about her. I decided to wait for her to wake up.
For half an hour I waited there. I stared at Hikari’s face while she slept. It looks sad. I thought.

There are almost a million wires around my friend’s body. I feel uneasy and decide to go and see the doctor myself.

Don't worry about your friend, I had called out[/b] for her parents.’ Said the doctor.

I’m just curious sensei.[s](a word that Japanese people describe someone more knowledgeable) As I said before, you don’t need to add these things in the story. Maybe add a glossary at the beginning of the book, but don’t distract us with definitions here. Why is Hikari sick?” I asked, confused.
I could see the doctor’s expression change. ‘Please, tell me. I won't bite or anything. I want to know.’ I begged

“I'm not supposed to tell anyone about this, but since she’s your friend I think it's safe to tell you.” The doctor’s face looks clouded. “But you must promise not to say a word about this.”

---

I can't help thinking about what the doctor told me last night. It's like people are playing some sick prank on her. I go back to Hikari’s ward.
There I see her trying to get loose by taking out the wires. I run and try to stop her from hurting herself.
I try my best to calm her, but things become worse when Hikari sees me in the ward.
“What are you doing here? Are you here to laugh at me? Seriously, Get out!” she says. But when I don’t move she screams: “I said get out! I don't want to see you anymore!’ Hikari shouts at the top of her voice.
Hikari’s doctor appears. Some of the nurses help to try and calm Hikari . The doctor asks me to leave.
I wait outside and refuse to go home. I can still hear Hikari’s screaming.
“What's getting into you, Hikari. She is your friend!” said the doctor.
“She is not my friend! You… you let her in my room, right? I hate you! I’ll tell my mom about this.” Hikari is about to get off the bed when the doctor grabs a hold of her and says:
“She’s the one who brought you here. You still don’t want her here? She carried you alone from the station to here. She didn't sleep at all last night. She cares about you Hikari. She cares!”
Hikari finally manages to settle down. She asks the doctor to call for me. The doctor came out of the room and there I was, still waiting anxiously.
“So, how is she?” The doctor smiles. Then I understand what that means. I feel relief at the good news.
“Is she in a stable mode Sensei? Can I come in?” the doctor smiles again and nods. I go inside and see Hikari staring out of the window.

“Can I come in Hikari? I'm sorry that I came into your room without your permission. I didn't mean it, honest.”
Hikari turns to me and smiles sincerely.
“I know. But it doesn't mean that I’ll forgive and forget about it. I'm still angry at you. I want you to go home. You don't have to stay here tonight.” Her face is serious. “But Lisa, come again tomorrow. I will wait for you.”
I was relieved. I followed what Hikari told me to do. I just want to make a good impression on her.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than when the birds start chirping. I can’t guess how early that is.
I helped my ‘parents’ to tidy the garden and house. I forget sometimes how big the house really is inside. It is a very tiring activity. “Hidamori-san, are we done here? I want to go visit my friend at the hospital. Do you mind?” I asked while wiping off my sweaty face.
“I don't mind. We’ll be fine here. If we need you for anything we will give you a call. Have fun.”
I went directly to the hospital. I didn’t forget to bring a present for Hikari. I happened to know that today was her birthday.
The moment I arrived at the train station I saw a crowd of people outside the hospital. My heart started pumping faster when I saw the police and firemen there too. It was a fire! I ran as fast I could, holding the present tightly. I searched for Hikari around the ambulances, but there’s no sign of her.

My eyes sting because I know there’s still someone in the building. The police stop me when I try to go in.
I search for another way to look for her. I use the hole behind one of the police cars. I enter the flaming hospital building, ignoring the people who shout for me to get out.
I need to find Hikari. I know she is still alive.