“A what?” asked Elissa.
“A wandering spirit. Or an abandoned one. We can’t know which. It means that once, a long time ago, something happened to your soul-star. Soul-stars are the essence of every living being, they’re what makes the shining light in the souls that you see here. Your soul-star doesn’t form a constellation and it doesn’t stay still. It’s a shooting star,” said Lisbeth.
“But shooting stars are meteorites travelling through the sky,” said Elissa adamantly.
“No. The ones that you can see are. I’m not talking about the visible. Soul-stars can’t be seen from the Earth Realm except in their physical manifestation of rocks and gas- meteorites for shooting stars and suns for the stationary. Only in the soul realms can one see the true beauty of the soul-stars,” said Isaiah, stroking Elissa’s back.
“Oh,” was Elissa’s only response, her brain trying to process all of the information it was being given.
“Now, you have been out for a whole day. You must be hungry,” said Lisbeth. “Why don’t you get changed and we can go downstairs and eat breakfast with the Free-folk?”
“Um… I can go like this,” said Elissa, gesturing to her long, wide leg trousers and baggy black top.
“We have lots of things to do after breakfast, so you need to change now,” sad Isaiah.
“I’m fine like this,” said Elissa, a harsh tone cutting through her voice.
“No you’re not. What’s the matter?” asked Isaiah firmly.
“She does not feel confident in herself,” said Lisbeth angrily.
“Do you not normally wear nicer clothes?” asked Isaiah of Elissa.
“Just tracksuits or yoga trousers…” murmurs Elissa under her breath.
“Well, for the next week you will take care of your appearance and wear clothes that do not hide your body and if you can’t stand it by the end of the week you can go back to baggy trousers and t-shirts,” said Isaiah with a sigh.
He couldn’t believe that one of the girls he was destined to spend his immortal life with was so shy, timid, scared and repulsed by her own body that she would refuse to even change out of her baggy pyjamas. She was gorgeous and she couldn’t see it. He was determined to get her out of her shell.
“No-” attempted Elissa to argue but Lisbeth cut her off.
“Would you rather wear nothing but a bikini for the week? Because that can be arranged. You are beautiful and I don’t ever want to hear otherwise,” said Lisbeth firmly.
Elissa, in an unusual display of violence screamed, “I am not a child! I can make my own decisions! You are not my parents!”
Lisbeth and Isaiah clenched their jaws. “Cor, we love you. I know you can’t understand that yet. But it kills us to see you upset. Please just do as we ask,” said Isaiah.
“How can beings like you even understand what love is,” said Elissa quietly, running into an adjoined bathroom and closing the door behind her. She curled up in the corner, a tear making its way down the slope of her cheekbone.
“Because without it we wouldn’t live,” said Lisbeth, opening the door and sitting down next to Elissa.
“Love… I don’t believe in it. Not anymore. You live because you are immortal. It’s as simple as that,” said Elissa.
“Wrong, love created us, only love can destroy us and only love can keep us alive. Only you can keep us alive. But you also have the power to kill us. We only want to keep you safe. We want you to be ours. We want you to love yourself as much as we love you already. Is that so wrong?” said Isaiah as he joined the two women.
“I suppose not….” said Elissa but then her eyes widened. “How can you love me when you hardly know me? And how can I love you when you kidnapped me?!”
“I was wondering when that was going to come up…” said Lisbeth. “Well…”
“Have you heard of soul-mates, cor meum?” asked Isaiah bluntly.
“Yes. But we’re not in some cheesy werewolf romance, are we?” said Elissa and Lisbeth laughed, a big smile creeping onto her face.
“Not in the sense that we sprout hair and another set of legs, no,” said Isaiah with a smile, “But we too have soul mates. Just the two of us, mind.”
“Wait, so you’re saying…” said Elissa.
“That you’re ours,” said Lisbeth.
“Both of you?” asked Elissa cautiously.
“Both of us, princess,” said Isaiah.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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129,528 Literary Works • 671,508 Reviews
Alright, HEY! Ryu Matt Southbound Cevenost here to give you a review!!!
SO, first off, I actually like your story. It reminded me of this movie I've seen. It was based around stuff like this, including kidnapping and stuff like that, just without soul mates and stuff. It was a really good movie, but I can not think of the name of it for the life of me. But, anyway, on to the review!
Secondly, I do like your story. It was.... Kind of unique, I haven't read anything like it before. SO it was new.
One thing that bothered me was the use of Yoga"Trousers." See, trousers is a term that really isn't used today, and wasn't when yoga was invented. I think it might have been better if you used the term,"Leggings, pants, or britches," if your wanting to make her have an accent.
Another thing was that this was one of the shorter chapters that I have seen, and though it really doesn't bother me, it would be better if you could extend the chapter.
Another thing was that their was a lack of detail in the story. I now realize that I missed a chapter, so that could just be my fault on that one.
Another one was that I could not actually believe the emotion coming out of the girl, it just didn't seem genuine to me.
I'm not trying to sound mean, or rude here, I'm just trying to give you a good review!
Okay, another thing was that though you do have some good ideas and points, I don't feel as if you executed them in the best way that you could have, and I believe that you have the talent to do better.
And another thing I don't understand, if you can only have one soul mate, how can two beings have the same soul mate? That rather confuses me.
Another thing is that I believe that you could have detailed the room, even in the third chapter, but all that I know is in the room is a door to the bathroom, there is not other detailing besides that in the room. I will read the other chapters and see if I can't come up with the rest of this.
All in all, it was alright. I believe that you could have done better, but you done good.
In conclusion, You need to work on detail and emotions, I just don't see the genuine emotion in this, and rarely any actual imagery. If you work on this, and work on your writing style, I believe that you would have a darn good story, and a romance/mystery novel it seems like you are trying to make. I am sorry for the long review, but I am trying to do the best that I can and every time I go to end it I think of something else!!! Anyway, I want to see what you do next, so I will keep an eye open for your newer work, because I want to see how this ends!
Sincerely,
Ryu-Matt-Southbound-Cevenost.
I like the length of the review! And I am noticing that the chapters are seeming a bit skeletal... these are first drafts so when I get around to editing them in the next week or so I will definitely flesh them out a bit!
Your comment about 'trousers' cracked me up. I'm British and that's our word for them... pants to us are men's underwear....... so yeah, won't be changing that one, I'm afraid.
Hello! Satira here for a review!
I like your concept, with the shooting stars... It's interesting. My biggest criticism is that your dialogue has this rhythm, or formula to it, that's a little redundant.
So, like here:
.. followed immediately by this:
.
There's a pattern.
"dialogue," your character says, doing something else to add to the sentence.
This isn't bad, of course. Not all the time. But you can't generally do it twice in a row, or it sounds redundant. Try to keep the sentence structure varied.
Now, you also use a lot of tag words, such as the phrases, 'she said angrily' or 'Elissa asked cautiously'. You don't need those unless it isn't obvious by the content of the dialogue.
Here's an example.
The word 'whispered' was used because without that verb, nobody would know or guess that Katy was whispering. I needed to use that word to get what I wanted to get across. If the classroom was replaced with a meditation workshop or whatever, then I wouldn't use 'whispered' because I would already know that everybody is speaking softly.
On another note~
I loved your characters. I don't usually say that when I'm reviewing, but I really DID! They're hilarious and possessive and I've fallen in love with them. They're hilarious. I especially liked when Lisbeth and Isaiah say that Elissa's behavior is 'killing them'.
You know, because they're immortal? Ha.
I love your concept. Keep up the good work, and happy review day!
~Satira
Thanks a lot for the enthusiastic review- it was really great and encouraging and informative!
I'm glad you liked it!
Okay, so before I get started with the actual review I must say that I have not reAd the other two chapters as of now, so my review will be off of what I know and have learned from the writing in front of me at this moment. I know it's super strange and weird to start in thirdly of the story, but I think this chapter deserves the review it needs. So yeah, onto the review.
So, this story super interesting, and this is coming from a person who usually never reads stories, mostly staying with poems. But, I will say that this particular story has got me interested and curious sour what it going on.
All I know from this chapter is that Isaiah and Lizbeth are immortal and have kidnapped a girl named Elissa. She is confused as to why they have taken her, and also is confused as to why they need her to live if they are immortal anyway. I could e reading this totally wrong, but that is what I am getting from this little chunk of writing.
Obviously there is more to the story than what I have read on this page. But, I can tell that what I have read is quite amazing. The detailing and nitpicky punctuational are outstandingly great. You have a serious gift to make people visualize what to they read.
I think that the overall concept of this story very imaginative and unique, which is obviously a good thing. This story needs to be read by more people!!! It's so amazing ad I feel like this action and romance will draw a lot of crowds in.
This story has a lot f potential and I encourage you to keep writing and never give up on it. It might be hard to stick with it at times, but I promise you that it will be worth it in the end!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
Thank you so much! You were a) spot on with what you got from this chapter and this was probably one of the most encouraging and positive comments I have ever received! It made me emotional (in a good way). I'm so glad that you decided to read this chapter even if you haven't read the others and thank you for the review!!!! You just made my day!