Elissa shifted, turning over in bed. Her hand gently brushed her cheek and her soft auburn hair fell over her eyes. She woke up slowly, resting her head back against the soft velvet pillow behind her as she opened her eyes. She found herself looking up at a high vaulted ceiling with red swathes of cloth rippling in the wind. Light drifted in through arched windows, illuminating particles dancing through the air.
Once her brain had processed the great beauty of her resting place, it finally computed that she had not seen this place before- it was certainly not her bedroom back home in the small cottage she shared with her mother and father. As realisation dawned on her, she froze, screaming without sound, gaping and shaking her head in disbelief. Things like this didn't happen to her, to real people- kidnapping a woman from her bedroom and her waking up in a magnificent room is something out of a romance novel. As soon as the thought entered her head, she quickly shook it out. This was not about romance. She would not fall prone to Stockholm Syndrome....Would she?
There was something about this place that just made want to smile and relax, something overpowering and beautiful drifting in the air. It smelled of vanilla and lavender, masculine and feminine all at the same time, and it was intoxicating to Elissa.
"What is that?" wondered Elissa quietly, her voice tinkling lightly in the air, like a peal of bells or a panflute-song. To Lisbeth and Isaiah standing outside her door, it was the most beautiful sound they had ever heard and Lisbeth sighed, leaning into Isaiah.
"When can we make our presence known?" Lisbeth sighed.
"She will be scared. This is not normal for her. I am wondering if we made a mistake in kidnapping her... maybe we should have just enrolled in her school and gradually build up a relationship the way humans do," whispered Isaiah.
"Too late for that now, Isaiah," said Lisbeth. "The deed is done. And besides, we aren't human."
"I still wonder... Anyhow, shall we go in? I think she has pondered her situation for long enough. I don't want her to start running over scenarios in her head... I want her honest, happy and loved in our home, not always preparing for what comes next," said Isaiah, his deep voice now back in its normal register.
"We shall," said Lisbeth skipping closer to the door.
Isaiah shifted the great heavy mahogany oak door and opened it softly, exposing the room beyond with Elissa still sitting on the bed in the middle of it.
"I trust you like our room, cor meum?" asked Isaiah, shocking Elissa out of her thoughts and causing her to let out a small squeal as the two get closer and sit on the edge of the bed.
"O- ours?" asked Elissa quietly, her brain trying to cope with the situation as best it could.
"Yes, cor meum," said Isaiah, "ours."
"B-but, I don't know you a-and, you kidnapped me!" Elissa exclaimed.
"You will know us, vita mea," said Lisbeth gently.
"You still kidnapped me. And my name is Elissa, not whatever you were calling me," said Elissa, being unusually outspoken under the stress and anxiety she was going through.
"You are not usually so forceful, cor meum," said Isaiah, through which nothing ever slipped past unnoticed. "The situation is getting to you. I wish to inform you that I regret kidnapping you. Instead, I should have enrolled in your school, even though I am far too old for it by now... But anyway, I should have wooed you the human way and then told you of what I am... but it is done now, and I hope in time you can learn to forgive me."
"The human way?" asked Elissa, even more concerned. "If you are not human what are you? And how old are you?"
"We are diabolus. And we are immortal," whispered Lisbeth, concern for Elissa's judgement showing in her eyes.
"Where am I?" asked Elissa.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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129,689 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Hey!
I really like the beginning of this story. It's a very interesting twist, definitely not where I thought it was going, but excited to see where it ends up!
Some things to look on is keeping the tenses the same. In some places you create a past sentence but then next write a present one with a past verb, or vice-versa.
Does that make sense?
If not, message me and I would be glad to help!
-Jules
Hey, again!
(I hope you don't see me as a creepy stalker by now!)
So, this is very interesting. I've never read a story like this before, although that might be because I used to read but don't read a lot anymore. The storyline is not too clear but not too mysterious either, and that's a really good thing for a novel.
I would like to point a few things out, and if I sound harsh, I apologize. I'll try to throw in a lot of smiley faces in there.
First of all. Right now, your character is beautiful, her voice is beautiful, she's delicate, and she's way too perfect. You quickly lose interest with your readers if your character is just perfect in her appearances. And by the way you described Lisbeth and Isaiah's reactions to Elissa's voice, that's just an 'ehh' factor.
I hope I'm being clear with this; there's nothing wrong with your main character being handsome/pretty, but there's a problem with her being overly beautiful that other characters around her are strongly affected by her beauty. But you're fine! Just consider that a bit.
Secondly (and now I'm going into the minor things).
[This was not about romance. She would not fall prone to Stockholm Syndrome....Would she?]
This seems just... thrown out there, you know? Who, after being kidnapped, would think about that? If it was me, I would be thinking of all the possible escape routes in the room, who kidnapped me, if I was going to be killed or tortured or be used for negotiation, who in the world hated me enough to kidnap me... All those things. But not romance or Stockholm Syndrome. So you might want to take a look at that. And she's going just too far ahead of herself. That's like thinking, 'Oh, there's onions in my meal. Would it kill me? If then, what would my coffin be made of? It better be made of marbles!'
Lastly, just my opinion about these Lisbeth and Isaiah characters. I don't know what you intended to make them feel like, but right now they're just like two creepy immortal beings who just kidnapped this girl out of nowhere and are calling her their love...? Just, yeah.
I'll be looking forward to more chapters of this story!
Keep on writing, Mephis
I don't think you're a stalker
And I like it when people are harsh 
The creepiness and un-realness were intended, there are mysterious forces at work..... all shall be revealed, but do you think they're too much?
Yeah, she does seem very perfect, doesn't she? Later on, she will develop some uglier traits... do you think that they need to be introduced sooner? I had originally thought to start bringing them in 3rd or 4th chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed it!!!! There is chapter 2 up and I'm working on 3 so you shouldn't have to wait too long
Nah, I just noticed it while I was reading. I don't think it's really too much.
Mhm, she is very very perfect. I'm really interested in seeing some of those 'ugly traits' develop! But yes, at how your story is going (and it's going very well), I think you need to give her some flaws sooner. Right now, some readers might get annoyed at how perfect she is.
Nevertheless, you did a great job on this! I'll keep reading your works!
Okay, there is already a second chapter... could you see if there are any negative traits coming through there? I will make sure to put these traits in the 3rd chapter which I am currently writing! Thank you for the feedback!
Diabolus, that's really close to the spanish word for devil diablo.
I was wondering if they were speaking in a fake language, or real one. Immortals, a commonly used concept in the 90s for games that still goes on in modern games. I like the idea of immortals, it has too many possibilities , so it makes a unpredictable outcome in a story. That's a good thing too, nobody likes a story you can foretell everything that will happen in. I liked the idea of overpowering incense, most don't realize just how much a scent can do.
Really looking forward to the other chapters, it's a really good story.
Thank you!
And diabolus is the latin word for devil
I hope you continue to like my future works