Delicate One (Red Velvet Prologue)

by bloodybelle01

Published May 3, 2015

12+

In Red Velvet

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(Image is cover used on Wattpad)

“She’s so beautiful…” whispered Lisbeth into the darkness, glancing to the man looming over the bed next to her. “Isn’t she Isaiah?”

“Truly, amare, truly beautiful. And she’s ours,” the man, Isaiah, said in a soft, deep voice.

“That she is. I can feel the energy from here,” said Lisbeth in a hushed, strained voice.

“Let us bring her home, amare. She will wake soon and it would not to do for her to alert her parents to our presence,” he said.

“That it wouldn’t,” said Lisbeth in reply, quietly opening the window. She slipped out, jumping off an soaring into the night, Isaiah following with a small, delicate woman lying unconscious in his arms.

Comments & reviews · 5

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kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review Review · Jun 22, 2021

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, as far as prologues, I have seen a lot of kidnappings go down, so this wasn't the most unique of situations especially considering things were kept very vague here, but...kidnappings certainly do make you want to find about more what's going on and the way this is written here certainly manages to get a reader's attention pretty darn well here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“She’s so beautiful…” whispered Lisbeth into the darkness, glancing to the man looming over the bed next to her. “Isn’t she Isaiah?”

“Truly, amare, truly beautiful. And she’s ours,” the man, Isaiah, said in a soft, deep voice.


Okayy....well this is certainly interesting. The vibes this conversation is giving off seems to stem from two proud parents looking at a baby perhaps, although everything happening in the darkness does make things a little bit suspect here. At any rate, this is certainly a very intriguing start to a prologue, and the fact that we've got names right away is also an interesting detail.

“That she is. I can feel the energy from here,” said Lisbeth in a hushed, strained voice.


OKay...I have no idea whether this one is agreeing that she is indeed beautiful or if she is indeed theirs because those two things would have some pretty different connotations there...so this is already very suspect here, and then of course a mention of energy, well...that's certainly not something you'd typically see in a baby so this is certainly adding some very interesting elements in here...and I have a feeling this is probably not a baby here.

“Let us bring her home, amare. She will wake soon and it would not to do for her to alert her parents to our presence,” he said.


Oh dear...that's not a good sign, one one hand we have no idea who these two are and what they're doing, for all we know, these two could be doing this person a huge favor by rescuing here from trouble, but on the other hand, removing a child from her parents is...just generally a sign of a horrible thing happening, well, well, this is off to a slightly scary start here, and well, this is certainly going to make people want to read on to find out what happened here.

“That it wouldn’t,” said Lisbeth in reply, quietly opening the window. She slipped out, jumping off an soaring into the night, Isaiah following with a small, delicate woman lying unconscious in his arms.


Hmm, well when you say woman, you do wonder what the age of this person could be that's been taken away, it really is hard to try and age that one, which does make it tough to imagine what's happening, for all we know this is an adult being kidnapped...but well, at any rate, this certainly does make for a really intriguing prologue.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, we have ourselves a pretty solid looking prologue here, it checks most of the boxes you expect from one of those, and well its a story that I would certainly read. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
IceWinifredd
Review
IceWinifredd wrote a review Review · May 3, 2015

Well, well! This story sounds like one I'm definitely going to follow up on! This prologue has for sure caught my attention and sparked my curiosity. I was about to point the mistakes that I've noticed throughout the write, but it looks like Cleverclogs already beat me to it. Hopefully you'll find the time to go back and fix those errors. Other than that, I think you've done a good job on intriguing the reader with this prologue. I look forward to reading more. Have a wonderful afternoon! -IceWinifredd

Thank you very much! There are already two other chapters out so feel free to read them ;) I'm glad you enjoyed it and I certainly will fix them :)

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cleverclogs
Review
cleverclogs wrote a review Review · May 3, 2015

Hello there, and welcome to YWS! cleverclogs here to review!

A few nitpicks before I get started on content:

“Isn’t she Isaiah?”


There should be a comma after "she". I was confused when I read this for the first time. I thought it meant that the girl they were talking about was Isaiah. The comma will clear that up.

“Truly, amare, truly beautiful.


Is "amare" a nickname? Some explanation on this would be nice.

She slipped out, jumping off an soaring into the night, Isaiah following with a small, delicate woman lying unconscious in his arms.


1) "an" should be and. No big deal here.

2) This sentence reads very strangely. I'd recommend rewording it so there's fewer... commas, I guess. Something like, "She slipped out and soared off into the night, Isaiah following with a small, delicate woman lying unconscious in his arms." That's more natural.

Other than that, this is a pretty good prologue. It gets us interested. Why are Lisbeth and Isaiah kidnapping the girl? Who are they, anyway? You did a good job on drawing the readers in. My only suggestion would be to add more description about where they are, what the people look like, that sort of thing. This is rather short for a prologue, and more description will not only bulk it up, but make it more interesting to read.

I like how you describe the characters' actions, like "She slipped out". That's such an inventive way to put it. Someone else might've said, "She climbed out," or "She jumped out". Your vocabulary and your descriptions are very unique (which is another reason to have more description!).

Overall, this is a great start. Keep up the fantastic work! :)

Thank you very much for the ideas and advice! Amare is a nickname. Do you have any idea how I could make that clear?

Maybe you could put in italics? Nancy Farmer did that in House of the Scorpion, which was set in Mexico and used Spanish nicknames. She threw in an explanation for what it meant and it worked like a charm.

mephistophelesangel wrote a review Review · May 3, 2015

Hey, so we meet again!

I was just browsing through your works after the Cinderella story, because I wanted to read more of what you could write. And look what I found! :)

I actually don't have a lot of things to say about this. Nice dialogues, nice hooks, and good job on making the readers want to read on to the next chapter. Just one thing, I would like it better if you put in just a tiny bit of characters' appearances in there. And, just assuming that 'amare' is in Latin. Amare is a verb, actually, and and it means 'to love' because of the ending, '-re'. Just wanted to mention.

Keep on writing!

Mephis

Thanks :) I know it means 'to love'..... do you know how to make it into a noun? If not, it doesn't matter, I can look it up :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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kevin25a
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kevin25a commented Comment · May 3, 2015

Well this story sounds really good, I'm looking forward too it anyways. I'm bad at reviewing smaller things and especially prologues, but I just wanted too say it's really good and I like it. :)

Thank you very much! I have the first two chapters posted elsewhere, actually, and they will be up when I have the points.... Thanks for being my first ever review :)

Really? I gave you your first review on here?
Your welcome, I'm always willing to give people reviews. You actually joined the day after I did, if you didn't notice.

Yep ;) And cool!



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