Published April 14, 2010
then i'll speak the words that leak out of my heart's beak. a line of white across a black field then i can never yield...
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Err...
Three things. First, have you ever read or seen poetry? They have to be divided into stanzas and lines. Maybe the lines might be whole sentences or bits of them; it all depends on what rhythm you're setting. When you're writing poetry in the future, say it out loud to yourself to see if your rhythm makes sense. The stanzas serve the same purpose as paragraphs, so no biggie here.
Second, this seems really incomplete, like I started a movie halfway through. Why is the narrator going to do, well, whatever he's going to do? That was another thing about your poem; I can't really see how the two connect. You go from him saying he's going to do something to a black field? And besides, why can't he yield? Your grammar wasn't very strong, either; capitalize your i's and the first words of sentences.
PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor xo