Book 1 (1)

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This is the second part, if you haven't read the prologue i suggest you do unless you don't mind being a bit confused. If your critique is that i use 'I' too much i am already aware of that but critique really does help.

Chapter-Wren

I awoke from a dazed sleep, stiff from sitting in the hard plastic airport chairs for most of the day. I had dreamt about my fathers’ death, that day that I turned into a werewolf, the day I became sixteen forever.

My parents had been Magiks, humans with some supernatural ability. My dad had been able to talk to animals and my mom could breath underwater. It was always pretty cool growing up with my dad; he hunted werewolves, so his ability came in handy. I couldn’t wait until I was eighteen so that I could be given my power. I had always secretly hoped to inherit my dad’s power but now that was out of the question.

“Flight 115 now boarding, last chance for flight 115 now boarding.” I thought for a minute and then remembered that I was supposed to be getting on that flight. Oh crap, I raced through the terminals that I had been waiting in all day to terminal four. Just in time, sometimes it isn’t that bad being a werewolf, the speed for one thing. I could run faster than anyone in this entire airport, probably in all of Brasilia but let’s not get cocky now shall we. I handed the flight attendant my ticket and boarded the plane carrying my only belongings in my black backpack. I found a seat in the back and slipped into it comfortably. A flight attendant stalked down the aisle and told us the procedures for just about every emergency situation they could possibly think of, I paid no attention, all of it was on the small rumpled photograph I had with me on That night.

I could just imagine my parents swaying slightly to the Christmas carols on the radio as my sister and I played for hours on end with our new toys. You almost couldn’t tell we were sisters I was always tall for my age she was the opposite, but she could probably take down a rhino if she wanted to. I had my moms’ hair with the exception of one silver braid and dads’ eyes she of course had my dads’ thick dark hair and my moms’ blazing green eyes. It made me sad to think about my once happy family, I haven’t heard from my mom or sister since the day they left.

My parents were both famous hunters, but instead of animals they hunted creatures like werewolves, creatures like me. My moms’ dream had always been to catch the infamous vampire Dracula. My dream now was to find my family, or what was left of it anyway. My parents were Magiks, humans with some extraordinary power, for instance my dad could read minds, but only if he was standing next to you.

I was suddenly shaken out of my reverie by a voice.

“Ma’am would you like a blanket or a pillow, it’s nine o’ clock.” The flight attendant was leaning towards me smiling.

“Ummm…sure.” I stuttered remembering where I was. She placed them gently on the empty seat next to me and went over to see what the portly gentleman across from me wanted. I shivered. Why’d they always over air-condition planes? I groaned inwardly. Pulling the thin blue blanket over my shoulders, I tried to get some sleep. I needed all the energy I could to over come the impending jetlag waiting for me in England. I was almost positive my mom and sister would be in Europe considering that the Alliance had hunted vampires to near extinction and that was what my mom would be looking for.

The Alliance is sort of the government of Magiks, their job is to keep everyone safe and not let normal humans in on our secret. Unfortunately that meant that being a werewolf I was illegal, so drawing attention to myself would be not be a great idea. The only vampires that I knew of that had escaped the Vampire Sweep of 1949 lived in Europe, so Europe is where I had to go. Sleep came slowly, but at least it came.

I slept until the plane landed, my dreams confusing bursts of color, waking groggily to the captains’ voice

“Welcome to London! The weather is rainy at 62 degrees. We hope you enjoyed flying with Air Europe Airlines, have a great day.”

I wondered how long it took before he got tired of saying it to people who didn’t really care. I stood carefully, grabbed my bag off the empty seat and hurried into the aisle already packed with people. I squeezed my way through the line and out into the terminal. I wandered through the airport stopping to get a bagel and thinking about my next move. I had enough money but I had no ideas. Europe is an entire continent and who knew if they were even still alive. I couldn’t even go to the Alliance because of my species.

I decided to start searching in England, hoping that for once luck would be with me and I would run into them here. I stepped outside into the drizzle and looked around for a taxi. I must have looked like a lunatic standing out there desperately trying to wave down a taxi, no one even slowed down. After half an hour I gave up and ducked into a small coffee shop to warm up. The lighting was dim and it looked like every one inside was also dripping wet, I ignored both. I sat down at the counter and ordered a latte with whipped cream, my favorite. I could feel it warm my insides as I sipped it, it burned my tongue but I was too cold to care. I sat there for a while pondering my destiny when two cloaked figures came and sat down beside me. One of them brushed me a bit as it walked by, I assumed it was an accident. I was a bit suspicious of them but soon grew accustomed to their presence. After a while the taller of the two figures spoke

“Don’t see many of your type ‘round here” came the rough voice, it reminded me of sandpaper. It took me a moment to figure out that whoever it was, was talking to me.

“What do you want?” I hissed softly

“It’s not so much what I want but what do you want Miss Wren Ashe…”

“How do you know my name?” I was definitely creeped out now, but you would be to if two strangers in cloaks came up to you and knew your name and that you weren’t ‘seen much ‘round here’.

“Oh, I know a lot more than your name Miss Wren, I know plenty about what you and your dad was doing down in Brazil, what you was doin’ for the Alliance.”

“How do you know about the Alliance and my dad?” I responded a bit panicked now.

“Follow me, I can’t tell you much here…” The two cloaked figures stood and walked slowly out of this miserable little coffee shop. I decided to follow. I could run, or even turn into a wolf if I had to, plus I was insanely curious. I followed warily, stepping carefully into the downpour. The shorter of the two grabbed my hand and lead me after the taller one. The fog was so thick I could barely see ten feet in front of me.

“It will be ok…” I was taken aback; the short one actually talked, or whispered anyways. I nodded; soon we turned and crossed the street. After a few more blocks we turned down an alley, there was a sort of dilapidated building at the end we walked up to the steps. The small cloaked figure lead me up to the door but the tall one stayed behind.

“I must go now,” he said quietly “you may reveal yourself when I am gone.” He directed this comment towards the figure next to me; it nodded. Suddenly hands covered my eyes, I could have easily flicked them off but I had a feeling that that was not a good idea; in about five seconds I could see again. The small shrouded figure removed its cloak.

Beneath it was a girl, about my age but shorter, and with cropped dark violet hair. She looked human but something about her was different. Her skin was white as a sheet, her eyes were swirling with different colors, her smile was crooked and pointy, and it looked like she was wearing a bit too much grey eye shadow around her eyes. She was beaming despite her sad eyes. She was wearing a black t-shirt and a worn pair of skinny jeans with red sneakers and a red ribbon tied around her neck.

“Ummm…Hi, can I ask what the heck is going on, and who are you?” I said looking at her with caution, she looked too happy to be up to any good.

“Sure, I can’t tell you who that was because he never told me, but I can explain a bit. I found him after my mom died, he’s a magik, he can read anyone’s memories just by touching them, or brushing by them like with you, I could only remember one of my memories but he helped me fill in the holes a bit about the rest of my life. I am Kami Rosario Ashe, your sister, forever frozen at sixteen.” She said this all very fast, not even pausing for breath. My mouth dropped open, I probably looked like a fish, stuttering in disbelief, and then leaped at her like a maniac, wrapping her in a giant bear hug. Tears of joy leaked out of my eyes. Eventually I let her go. She was still beaming “So it’s true? He was right? I have a sister? A werewolf sister?”

“Yes…yes” I answered quietly tears streaming down my face. She smiled even wider. We sat down on the little steps and just hugged each other for a long time soaking up each other’s joy in the pouring rain. I can’t tell you how long we were out there but it was by far the best feeling in the world.

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blackfairiwings
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sorry about the confusion with some things i stopped working on it for a while and then started again but i forgot what i had already written

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Snoink
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Snoink wrote a review · Tue Aug 19, 2008 7:40 pm

Hello!

I didn't read the prologue, but I don't usually read the prologues of stories, so perhaps it's better that way. ^_^

The first thing I noticed was that you seem to be afraid that you're going to lose the reader, and you're actually quite defensive about that. First, you introduced your story, warning me in your opening that I might get lost. That's fine--after all, when this gets published, then your little warning will be gone. ;) However, you still seemed frantic that I would be lost and so you tried to explain everything about your story, such as the Magiks and the werewolves and so on, all in the first couple of paragraphs.

Slow down.

Right now, you're panicked about hooking the reader and making him understand the universe you have created. But just tell a story. Tell us why she's in the airport. Tell us who she meets. If she thinks about her dad, then make it have conflict. Don't tell us that he's a Magik, and then tell us what a Magik is and what powers they have and so on. Connect it with the story. If she is a werewolf and he is a Magik and Magiks kill werewolves, that's all we need to know, really, so don't go off on their superhuman abilities. After hearing that they can kill werewolves, we can guess that ourselves. ;)

Finally, what interests us about fantasy worlds is not every single detail you've created in your fantasy world. It's what is relevant to the conflict. So just step back and look at your descriptions. Is it necessary for you to slow your story and explain everything (and lose your hook)? Always remember that you are telling a story first. Depth comes later.

Hope that helps! :D

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blackfairiwings
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this part can be a bit confusing so let me clairify. my version of vampires lose all of their human memories except for their last one. so Kami is unaware that she even has a family except for a picture she has which you will find out about later.

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Searria H.
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First of all, much better descriptions!!!!!


My dad had been able to talk to animals and my mom could breath underwater.

"Breathe"

I couldn’t wait until I was eighteen so that I could be given my power. I had always secretly hoped to inherit my dad’s power but now that was out of the question.

Poor thing!

“Flight 115 now boarding, last chance for flight 115 now boarding.”

This shouldn't be one sentence. I think it should be "Flight 115 now boarding. Last chance for flight 115. Now boarding."I'm not exactly sure about the last two sentences.

Just in time, sometimes it isn’t that bad being a werewolf, the speed for one thing.

Another run-on

[/quote]I handed the flight attendant my ticket and boarded the plane carrying my only belongings in my black backpack.[/quote]
comma between "plane" and "carrying"


A flight attendant stalked down the aisle and told us the procedures for just about every emergency situation they could possibly think of, I paid no attention, all of it was on the small rumpled photograph I had with me on That night.


You're wandering into run-on land again. :) "I paid no attention" should be its own sentence, or "I paid no attention; all of it was on the small...." I'm not quite sure why you capitalized "that." I think you should capitalize either just "night," or "that night. I'm not entirely sure.

I had my moms’ hair with the exception of one silver braid and dads’ eyes she of course had my dads’ thick dark hair and my moms’ blazing green eyes.

Your apostrophes are in the wrong places. They should be before the "s." "dads'" and Moms'" means that the character has more than one mom and dad, which I don't think is true. :D


My parents were Magiks, humans with some extraordinary power, for instance my dad could read minds, but only if he was standing next to you.

You really confused me here. For one thing, you already mentioned that Wren's parents were Magiks, and for another, you changed her dad's power. If a different character is talking, you need to tell the reader that.

“Ma’am would you like a blanket or a pillow, it’s nine o’ clock.” The flight attendant was leaning towards me smiling.

Ma'am, would you like a blanket or a pillow. It's nine o'clock. It dependes on how you want it to be read.

Why’d they always over air-condition planes?

"Why do they always over air-condition planes."

I needed all the energy I could to over come the impending jetlag waiting for me in England.

"I needed all the eneregy I could get to overcome..."

Unfortunately that meant that being a werewolf I was illegal,

Comma after "unfortunately" and another one after "werewolf" because "I was illegal" isn't a subordinant clause.



I must have looked like a lunatic standing out there desperately trying to wave down a taxi, no one even slowed down.

"No one even slowed down." is its own sentence.

[/quote]“It’s not so much what I want but what do you want Miss Wren Ashe
you don't need the "do."


“How do you know about the Alliance and my dad?” I responded a bit panicked now
comma after "responded."

"So it's true? He was right? I have a sister?

doesn't she know she has a sister?

We sat down on the little steps and just hugged each other for a long time soaking up each other's joy in the pouring rain.[quote]
I absolutely love this sentence, but ther should be a comma between "time" and "soaking."

I liked this chapter more than your prologue, I must say. A lot more twists. I'm interested in seeing where you take the plot.

-Sea-



I will not allow my life's light to be determined by the darkness around me.
— Sojourner Truth