This is just the prologue to a book I'm writing. It switches back and forth from two characters points of view so this is from Wrens'. I know it's short, but I'm still working on it. I also couldn't figure out how to do indents at the beginning of the paragraphs, my computer messed it up when i copied and pasted*kick computer*
This is the updated version! Yes finally got around to it!
Now this is the Re-Updated version!
Prologue-Wren
This is it, I thought, this is what the end looks like. I clutched the small delicate picture of my most cherished memory in my hand; a man with dark hair and blue eyes hugging a red-haired woman with sparkly green eyes. Two little girls sat on the floor playing with rag dolls, their bright faces glowing in the Christmas lights. This was my family. My father had given it to me soon after he and my mother separated, she took my sister with her.
Now my father was dead, his blood stained body lying just feet away and this was all I had left to hang on to. The thing that had just taken my dad’s life was right behind me. I could feel its hot, rancid breath on my back. Slowly I turned to face the monster that we had been unfortunate enough to meet. He looked at me with an expression almost of amusement. He gazed at me as though I was a toothpick, and he was about to snap me.
His power was waning with the full moon but even in his weakest state he could have destroyed me easily. I could feel the hot tears stinging my eyes. I didn’t know what to do; it was too dark to see much of anything and I would never be prepared for what was about to happen.
He looked at me, pondering his next move. I quickly glanced around at the massive trees surrounding me. There was no way I could run; he’d be onto me in a mere second. The warm jungle breeze whistled through the branches, but I couldn’t feel it now; my skin had turned to ice.
Slowly he started circling me, my eyes following his every move, I wondered coldly how something so beautiful could be so cruel, willing to take everything from someone. His sleek black coat rippled in the breeze, I saw an evil glint streak through his eyes and that was it. The werewolf lunged. I could feel the scream burning in my throat, but all I heard was my racing heart.
Suddenly my side was on fire, I looked down and saw blood, my blood, staining my shirt where the werewolf’s’ teeth had ripped into my skin. Looking up I saw the wolf with a satisfied grin across his face. Light was starting to pour through the jungle. The last thing I remember is a howl so heart wrenching it felt like my heart would shatter like a pane of glass. Unconsciousness was so welcoming I almost thanked it for coming.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Grrr. I had a review all written out, but when I tried to submit it, my computer wouldn't let me, and I lost it. So let's try again.
You and your sister have a very different voice in your writing, which sometimes can be hard between sisters. So congrats for that!
Okay.
This word was sorrt of strange for me. It seems like the woman is sparkly, not her eyes. You might say,"...hugging a red-haired woman with sparkly green eyes." but then your descriptions would be parallel (dark hair and blue eyes/ red-hair and green eyes.) so do what you think's best.
This sentence didn't flow very well for me. I would say, "With an expression almost of amusement, the giant wolf looked at me as though I was a toothpick, and he was about to snap me." I'm not sure.
move "could" after "beautiful."
I love your use of epistrophe here!
Well written story, but just a tad bit lacking in description. And no, it doesn't matter that your prologue is short. You don't want to overwrite something just to add length. I really enjoyed it!
-Sea-
Thanks for all the tips, grammar is really not my strong point. I always have to have my sister look it over and she's younger than me. I have an updated version I just haven't gotten around to posting it. Thanks again!
blackfairiwings,
First of all, hello, welcome to YWS! I hope you’ll like it here^^ It’s an awesome, awesome site, and I hope you’ll stay and keep posting (; But, to your story, yes?
Kaylyn and Autumn gave a lot of good tips - I’ll try not to repeat what any of them said, since that would be useless (I‘ll only echo the jungle comment - there I‘d really like more description). Instead, I’ll just give random thoughts of my own:
-> In the story, italics were used for thought. Good, that is where they should appear, and appear they should and did - er, yes. They’re there. But why with: “I thought”? That isn’t really part of the thought, and so I’d take the italics off.
-> Run-on sentences. I stopped at these three - skim your story for more, and fix those, too. I realize I’m not too good at explaining, but if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Or perhaps just check out any articles on the subject if you want to avoid unintelligible explanations that usually make no sense.
Quote:
This is it, I thought, this is what the end looks like, clutching the small delicate picture of my most cherished memory in my hand; a man with dark hair and blue eyes hugging a sparkly green eyed, red-haired woman.
The though should, I think, form a separate sentence. “I clutched”, and so one, with a period before. It just looks weird jammed together.
Quote:
The thing that had just taken my dads life was right behind me, I could feel its hot, rancid breath on my back, and slowly I turned to face the monster that we had been unfortunate enough to meet.
This is also run on. See the first comma? There’s no linking word. You could place a period there, and nothing would change. In fact, and because of that, do that. Also, “dads” - “dad’s”. Possession, so an apostrophe is needed. Something is someone’s.\
Quote:
He looked at me, pondering his next move, there was no way I could run, he’d be onto me in a mere second.
Again, the same situation. Do you see it? It’s the second comma. I’d put a period there. And after that, there’s the third comma and a second run-on. A dash? Dashes (-) are cool.
-> Other.
Quote:
The werewolf lunged I could feel the scream burning in my throat by all I heard was my racing heart.
(Also run-on), but I wanted to know what the “by” is doing up there (:
-> Don’t be scared by all those quotes. Most represent a similar problem, so if you can correct one, you can correct most. That was only grammar, a tricky beastling, but one that can eventually be mastered. Your story as such I liked, and found interesting, and I think it has loads of potential. I especially liked this part:
Quote:
I looked down and saw blood, my blood.
Thanks for posting,
Esme
Overall I enjoyed reading this, it was interesting and gripping.
It could use a bit of work though to make it better, here are a few suggestions from me:
I'd change to:
The thing that had just taken my dads life was right behind me and I could feel its hot, rancid breath on my back. Slowly I turned to face the monster that we had been unfortunate enough to meet.
I'd change to:
Slowly he started circling me, my eyes following his every move. I wondered bitterly how something so beautiful be so cruel, willing to take everything from someone.
I think you could go into a bit more detail about how you know it’s a werewolf and not just an ordinary wolf.
I'd change to:
Suddenly my side was on fire. I looked down and saw blood, my own blood, staining my shirt where the werewolf’s teeth had ripped into my skin.
A jungle? Needs more description of the scene here, e.g. trees towering around her / leaves rustling in the breeze.
Autumn x
Now my father was dead, his blood stained body lying just feet away and this was all I had left to hang on to. The thing that had just taken my dads life was right behind me,
Make sure that you put in the apostrophies.
Now my father was dead, his blood stained body lying just feet away and this was all I had left to hang on to. The thing that had just taken my dad's life was right behind me,
Other than that I didn't catch any other grammatical mistakes. It leaves you right on the edge to keep you reading. I really like the story so far, and I think you could go far with it.