Some of my Poems

Kiss:

All is need is one more kiss,
One more moment that I'll miss,
One more feel of magic bliss,
That might bring me to my knees.

One more gaze of your eyes,
I don't need to hear good byes,
One more touch of your lips,
And forever I'm at peace.

Maybe someday we'll meet
And I'll hear your heart's beat,
And I'll get to taste your lips,
Because all I need is one more kiss

The only problem I have is the broken rhyme in the second to last sentence! Ahhhhh!!!! Hahaha. Everything else rhymes! Maybe try to play around a bit with words? xD

Overall, you seem to have a consistant topic of poetry (though perhaps you just put the ones with similar topics together, I don't know haha.) Most are well done, and it's really just a few rough edges that need to be cleaned up xD Hope I helped!

Love,
FictionFanatic

Love:

Honestly, I don't have much to say about this one. I think that everyone in the world has this feeling, every writer has trouble expressing it. The fact that you're expressing not being able to express it though not 100% original is rarely done, and I love it because in expressing your inability to express it...you're expressing it! Hahaha

Love Lives On:

Once upon a memory (Memory doesn't quite fit - should be switched with something else)
I gave you a rose.
Like a photograph,
It's beauty timeless froze. (It's timeless beauty, perhaps?)

A token of love
On a special day.
A rose of glass
That will never wilt away. (Love this stanza!!)

Only fragile glass
The rose just a token
Of love that I thought
Could never be broken.

Yet now I am alone,
Love gone,
But the rose of glass
Lives on


I really love this poem - it's very intriguing. I also am fascinated/in love with the fact that something as fragile as glass lives on and love does not - after all, perhaps love is more fragile! Love love love!

Love is a Lump of Gold:

The review for this one coincides with bits of the previous reviews: again, seperate the sentences into their own lines, exchange u for you, switch & with and. Nice poem!!

Rose to Love:

"The red rose whispers of passion & the white rose breathes of love;"
-When writing a poem you should use "and" instead of "&", but in this case I think you should get rid of it completely. And as the first one you should seperate the poem in to distinctive line, rather than a journal entry. So:
"The red rose whispers of passion,
The white rose breathes of love;
O the red rose is a falcon,
The white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud,
With a flush on it's petal tips,
For the love that is purest,
For the love that is sweetest, (<<<This and the above line should be like this, making it
Has a kiss of desire on the lips" match with the rest of the poem )

I was a bit confused as to what this poem was about, but I do like the correlation of love and roses as it traditionally but still maintaining originality with it!

Second, Will You: I'm going to put changes in [] seeing as this one is just simple edits.

You have given me hope for a better tomorrow[,]
like an angel guiding me out of my sorrow.

My fears I want to let go[,]
but can my past I forgo?

I ask you this as you have my heart[:]
will you always be there so we may never part?

I don't have much to give[,]
but I will give you my every[ ]day to live.

I love life and what it has to give[,]
because through the depths of sorrow I have learned to live[.]


Very nice message, though this isn't my favorite among these

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to critic each in a different review to avoid confusion and to seperate things a bit.

First, Your Love:

Instead of saying "my love to u" you should really say "my love to you" - it's just proper. U is okay if you're texting someone, but in a more formal context such as this it would make all the difference. Also, World should have a lower case w.

In the second and third sentences you should replace the ellipses with commas, just as you did with the first one. It gives it a better visual appearance and just flows better than ellipses, since ellipses imply a pause which in this case shouldn't be there.

In addition, "If it could be described in air molecules...I would have choked every living Creature, and if it could be described in Sins...I would have made a Devil out of every Preacher" should be seperated into two different sentences.

Also, the three sentences should be divided into lines, in more of a poem format. Leaving it in the sentences gives it more of a...diary entry feel...make sense? So it should be more like:

If my love to you could be described in drops of water,
I would have drowned the World.
If it could be described in air molecules,
I would have choked every living Creature.
If it could be described in Sins,
I would have made a Devil out of every Preacher

It's a very interesting poem, and I completely understand the feeling. Love it.

-FicFan

I'm am going to critique "Love Lives On". I love this poem. Beautiful.

"Once upon a memory
I gave you a rose.
Like a photograph,
It's beauty timeless froze."

I like this stanza the most. I especially love the line: "It's beauty timeless froze." Very well executed. I will list a few things that were good and that were bad.

Things I liked:

1). You created beautiful images, describing every detail perfectly*

2). I love your usage of simile in the quoted stanza, as well as metaphor.

3).I can imagine what happened between you and your lover. Hard thing to do in such a short poem without describing what happened.

What I didn't like:

1).* You did not describe the lover of your poem. I don't even know if they are a girl or boy.

2). I don't know if you are a boy or a girl. It doesn't say next to your avatar either, so I don't know who you lost.

3).
" Only fragile glass
The rose just a token
Of love that I thought
Could never be broken."

Quoted stanza sounded a little clunky to me when I first read the poem. Maybe you could add some smoother words in the places of token and broken? Just a thought. Not horribly needed.

4). Second quoted poem I think needs a comma after first line, the way you present it seems to need one there.

Other than these few suggestions, I think this poem is lovely. Please write more.

~Racket

Hey,
I was drawn here by your avatar (Link for the win!)

Cool we are the same age!
I thought this was dripping with romance throughout and really heart felt and lovely !
Just make sure
1. avoid text slang in your work such as u and IDK (etc.)
2. Try formatting in stanzas like a poem would be

Other than that I couldn't really find anything wrong here and I'd say you write much better than I XD

Keep it up
~Kat

very romantic, i love it

Love Lives On
Once upon a memory
I gave you a rose.
Like a photograph,
It's beauty timeless froze.

A token of love
On a special day.
A rose of glass
That will never wilt away.

Only fragile glass
The rose just a token
Of love that I thought
Could never be broken.

Yet now I am alone,
Love gone,
But the rose of glass
Lives on

I don't want to commit to reviewing every poem you wrote, but I'll try and see how far I get. Welcome to YWS! By the way, most of the time people post different poems on different posts, even if they are short, because it makes it easier to review, just for future refference.

In your first poem: 'Your Love' please change 'u' to 'you' people on YWS go crazy about text speak, but I know it's easy to slip. And also I don't think it's possible to choke on air molecules so you might want to re-phrase change that up. I thought it was a cute/ funny play on a love poem though. Destroying the world with love.

Also I would suggest breaking up the poems that aren't broken into lines, because it makes it alot easier to read, and understand.

In your poem 'Will You' your rhyme scheme is nice, and lines are good length but I'm not really sure what big poetic idea you're trying to exspress. It just needs a little more pazazz and originality.

I really like your poem "Rose to Love" that is what I'm talking about! I'm always a fan of plant personification poetry, and think it's cool to think of flowers loving and speaking. Only critique in that poem is in the last line "on the lips." maybe change 'the' to---> 'its' because you're talking about love's lips I think rather than "the lips of the love".

Again in your poem "Love is a Lump of Gold" please change 'u' to "you". Please, Please, Please! It just seems more sincere, polished, and professional, and is such an easy fix.

In your poem "Love Lives On" I'm very confused with how a rose can be timeless/endless. What about when it dies? Maybe I'm missing something but I'm just very confused with what you're saying.

In your poem "Love" I would suggest thinking of a more original title because there are probablly a million and four poems with the same title, and I think when you're writing you should want to express something that was a unique thought, feeling, idea, emotion to you but that your readers can relate to. And the simple idea of "Love" isn't very original. But I think the idea your expressing in your poem is more original than your title leads us to believe. Your rhyme scheme is good again, just like your other rhyming poem. Only other nitpick is you could capitalize "God". An idea for the title could be "How to Say I Love You" or just "How to Say".

In your poem "Kiss" you accidentally put "is" instead of "I" in the first line.

Yay I made it through reviewing all of your poems! Remember what I said about posting them seperately next time you post!
So overall, I think you have a great start but I'd also be interested in reading if you write anything about something other than love.

Welcome to YWS, and have a great day!!

~alliyah~