These ideas in my head are wringing my conscience
The love I feel is not yours to take
But you have it all the same although.
You will never know this truth
My secret is safe and sound within myself
And I will bear my guilt alone
I cannot change the voice of my heart
But I can silence it for the sake of loyalty
So we will live and love and carry on
And perhaps in the next lifetime…
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with Brad--though perhaps not so harshly. There is potential here. In particular, I liked the image present in the first line--the conscience being wrung by ideas. It's very vivid, and very original. The presentation wasn't quite up to par, but you have time to cultivate that. The ability to create original imagery is much more difficult to fake. Best of luck!
betsyy,
No.
This is a tortured meandering on the way to a questionable point. There are all sorts of problems here, beginning with a first line that goes "thud" when it hits the reader.
"You will never know this truth," "I cannot change the voice of my heart"--give your readers a break. This is appalling language that has been used so much it has been passed from cliché to the stuff of parody.
My advice for you is to fill out the EPA forms and get rid of this.
Best,
Brad
Hmm... I don't really find it interesting that she has a secret that she's keeping from the guy who she supposedly (shallowly?) loves. It just... not that interesting. It's not that it can't be interesting... think of the Scarlett Letter. But that secret actually tortured people, which was interesting. So I would probably expand this out so that you can see the reaction of the guy who she is probably writing this for, which would make it interesting and worthwhile to read.
Still! Not bad! You have a nice way with words. Add character and it'll be beautiful.
Hope this helps!
I really like this.
I agree with everyone else
Perhaps I love this poemm.
xD
That would be
oh.so.correct..
Thanks for the positive feeback.
not bad. I liked it. ^_^
good poem, really liked it! but the ending was a bit rough.
I cannot change the voice of my heart (i would change "cannot" to "can't"
But I can silence it for the sake of loyalty (nothing bad about this line in itself, but it kind of throws off the rythm)
So we will live and love and carry on (favorite line!)
And perhaps in the next lifetime…(i would change "the next" to "another")
8/10 good poem!
All I can say is I thought it was fantastic. Amazing. I loved it.
Except
"But you have it all the same although."
You have it the same although
sounds much nicer
9.5/10~!~
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
"These ideas in my hard are wringing my conscience" Should it be 'ringing in'? I think ringing, like the sound, is better. Wringing is like wringing your hands from nervousness.
"But you have it all the same [s]although[/s]." Take out although. It doesn't make sense and is not needed.
"And I will bear my guilt alone." You need a period there and more punctuation overall.
"And perhaps in the mext lifetime..." I don't like how this ends. Either finish the sentence or take out the 'and' so it makes more sense.
Overall this poem is very vauge and pretty uninteresting. Make it exciting and show more things. We want to know about this person they love. What is the guilt? Why are they sharing this love? etc. Keep writing!
~Yoyo