I find myself often pondering in painful thought,
An introspection rough and lonely; retaining notions dark.
Obscure worries plague my mind, while timeless torments bark.
With guilt and dreary eyes I spiral; fading in distraught.
Hope I’ve often asked for. Peace I’ve often sought.
Yet the steady sorrow holds and laments in shrilling hark.
No hope I’ve found in these fevering floods, and with no tools to build an ark,
Perhaps I’ll drown among the waves which in I’m caught.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello there.
Such a sad but still beautiful work I see here. I hope oyu are not feeling like this at the moment. I think we can all relate to this in some kind of way. Anyways, very good work and before I forget, welcome in YWS. I think I had not told you that but who knows. We have a lot of new members all the time day by day which of ocurse a very good thing. I think you just cut off the sentences short and make the reader stop/pause too much all the time while reading this work. I think you need to make it longer or just let the sentences looks longer even if they are the same length. You could do that by putting commas to make the sentences fuller-looking. At least for me it is better.
I think you need to put commas around 'hope'. And one comma after 'perhaps'.
This is all. Good job and keep on writing.
Hey!
I really liked this poem. I thought the wording was beautiful and really poetic. I love the vocabulary you used. I would recommend doing what @Eternity said, I think changing the period to a comma or a semicolon will help the flow. The abrupt stop confused me and threw me off.
"Obscure worries plague my mind, while timeless torments bark.
With guilt and dreary eyes I spiral; fading in distraught."
These were my favorite lines. They remind me of my anxiety which is something I often write about.
I hope my review was helpful,
Alice ♥
Hello, bensayre. First, welcome to YWS. Second, Eternity here to review your piece.
This is beautiful. I am definitely drawn in and the entirety is well written. I like the wording you've used and I wouldn't change a thing. Your vocabulary is very well interpreted here and overall this piece is wonderful. Like previous reviews on this work, the only line that I had a slight pause for was: "Hope I’ve often asked for. Peace I’ve often sought."
Perhaps put a comma or semicolon there instead of a period because it's abrupt stop. However, this is your poem so do as you please. Good job.
Keep up the good work.
Hi,
This piece of writing is magnificent! I absolutely am drawn to it. I think it's a message in which most of us can relate to. We are our worst critics. Waves upon waves of ugly thoughts can drown you. I hope this isn't a reflective piece, but if it is, you can always talk to me!
The only issue i had with this was this particular line: "Hope I’ve often asked for. Peace I’ve often sought." I think there should be a comma after hope, and I don't know if there needs to be a period after for, maybe just a comma or semi-colon. It just read too fast and had a different pace than the rest of the poem, I felt.
Thank you for the great read,
Rascalover