My Moon, Aeliana

AGH your diction is excellent! I also am a big fan of the imagery that you used in this piece. I particularly like it here:
"She was no slender little thing, like a princess of old, nor was she particularly fair skinned. Her dark skin was often complemented by the bright colors she wore. ‘Loud and proud’ was definitely a phrase to describe her. Her hair was a bold blue, styled into locks, and she held her head high with those piercing brown eyes. Some may say that she is the exact opposite of the moon, but she would disagree."
Using the moon to describe someone has been done many times, but your take on it is so different. I love this piece. You should try entering it into a contest, perhaps. If you ever see her again, you should show this to her.

Thanks! Sorry this is so short, haha.
~Joelsweet

hey there Belladonna ( Can't help saying, interesting name! )

First of all, Welcome to the YWS group. I can see that you've just joined and this is your first literary work on the site so congrats for that! Let me go straight away into the review:

Well firstly, I would say, leaving apart any grammatical errors or spellings otherwise, I felt this piece was very "poignant", with lot of emotions strung in each sentence and I thought it was just beautiful! Very well portrayed with the emotions exchanged. I felt I could understand the girl from the beginning and relate to every emotion you were trying to bring out. Great job!

"‘Loud and proud’ was definitely a phrase to describe her. Her hair was a bold blue, styled into locks, and she held her head high with those piercing brown eyes."
I thought the structuring of the sentence just fell out a bit. The sentence before this had a very poetic feeling to it but the use of "loud and proud" I felt did not go with the feel.

"Some may say that she is the exact opposite of the moon, but she would disagree."
Here again maybe you could use "Some say...."

"The moon was the light that revealed nefarious plots, and the gentle lover who assisted love-struck fools in their quest for love. She valued emotion over wit, and often gave aid to those scorned by the sun."
Here again, beautiful use of words.

"Though yes, she did have her bouts of uneasiness, on the whole she coped with the difficulties of life very well."
Perhaps you could use bouts of "self-doubt"

Overall I loved it. It had a very meaningful poetic feel to it. Keep it up!

pm any time if you have any doubts

cheers!

Hi my name is jessiebear and I am here to help improve your righting. I hope what I say will help you with your work. Okay lets start.

Now there or a few spelling mistakes and I have under lined them so you can see witch ones they are.

In the dead of night, she watched and waited. The hours flew by as she sat in her daze. When the sun started to emerge from its hiding space among the stars, she would retreat to her home and play the part of a sleepy young lady who had just woken up. The reason for her nightly ritual was simple; she was fascinated by the moon. She did not map its position or memorize its phases, but she was transfixed by it nonetheless.

She was no slender little thing, like a princess of old, nor was she particularly fair skinned. Her dark skin was often complemented by the bright colors she wore. ‘Loud and proud’ was definitely a phrase to describe her. Her hair was a bold blue, styled into locks, and she held her head high with those piercing brown eyes. Some may say that she is the exact opposite of the moon, but she would disagree.

The moon was no cold mistress, as many perceived her to be. She was as vibrant and joyous as the fireworks she so loved, getting close enough to taste but still too far to reach. The moon was the light that revealed nefarious plots, and the gentle lover who assisted love-struck fools in their quest for love. She valued emotion over wit, and often gave aid to those scorned by the sun.

Yes, the girl thought, the moon was very much like her. Aeliana was always doubted. She was always seen as ‘too silly,’ or something along those lines. Being an optimist didn’t mean you were silly; it just meant you were strong enough to keep your hope. She was a volunteer at her local community center and helped get fellow teenagers into safe yet fun activities. Aeliana detested the whole ‘snitches get stitches’ thing, and vowed to always tell the truth, especially if it could help someone else out of a tough situation. Though yes, she did have her bouts of uneasiness, on the whole she coped with the difficulties of life very well. If you looked closely, you would see marks of bygone times lacing her arms. Like her twins’ pockmarks, the damage would never really be forgotten or erased. It can, however, be moved on from.

Yes, the sun thought, gazing down at her hatefully. Aeliana truly was just like the moon.

In the dead of night, she watched and waited. The hours flew by as she sat in her daze. When the sun started to emerge from its hiding space among the stars, she would retreat to her home and play the part of a sleepy young lady who had just woken up. The reason for her nightly ritual was simple; she was fascinated by the moon. She did not map its position or memorize its phases, but she was transfixed by it nonetheless.