Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Kipley and Carina had known each other for a few months now. They walked to school together and walked home together. They met at the end of the school year, but now the next one was right around the corner. Kip had been keeping a secret from Carina for a while, but he eventually got the courage to tell her.
On one of the last days of summer, as the sun was setting, Kipley laid out a picnic blanket and a basket. This would be the first time he hung out with Carina at night. She was running a few minutes late, but he didn’t mind. The stars weren’t going to disappear. The two had been friends for a while now, and he was sure that she was simply held up in traffic or something of the sort. Relaxing onto the blanket, Kip stared off into space as he pondered what her reaction would be. If he was honest with himself, he was quite nervous. As the moon rose into the sky, the stitches encircling his neck snapped one by one. Eventually his head was totally detached from his now motionless body. Upon floating slightly upwards, he heard a gasp from behind and spun around to see his friend.
“Hey, Carina! What do you think?” Kip asked excitedly. Carina’s face was quickly being drained of its color, and suddenly a scream rang out. It left Kip so dazed that it took him a minute to realize it came from her. “Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you,” He said, trying to soothe her.”M-monster! Get away from me!” She yelled, backing up as she did so. She tripped backwards over a fallen tree branch, and then turned around and started running. Kip could barely take it; all his instincts were telling him to chase her, but he kept his composure. He was disgusted at himself for having those urges. The breaking point was when she tripped once more and split her knee open.
The smell of fresh blood drove Kipley wild, and he hunted her with fervor. He let out a deathly shriek that took away Carina’s focus and closed in on her. Just as she was about to beg for her life, Kip sunk his teeth into the soft flesh of her neck. The taste of warm blood invigorated him, and he doubled down on her. After ripping her neck out, he immediately moved on to her abdomen. Her kidneys were so juicy. The liver was one of his favorite parts; it was a beautifully deep red and untouched by vice. As he dipped down to pull her heart out, Kipley realized what he was doing.
“Oh god. Oh no, oh my god…” He stared tearfully down at what he had done, warm blood still dripping from his mouth. The taste overpowered him, and he vomited onto the corpse. It was now twice as disgusting. Choking up, he remembered that his family had a strict rule of not wasting food. Grimacing, he ate what he had vomited up, gagging often, and then set about finishing his meal. He bitterly noted that her heart had gone cold. Once he ate all of the flesh, he set about eating the bone marrow. It took him no time at all to break the bones in his strong jaws. When he cracked her skull open, he quickly ate her brain, as if it would rot if he took too long. He silently admitted to himself that she tasted good, and then felt a strong sense of self hatred. She had been his friend, and now she was a pile of hollowed out bones. He tossed her remains in the nearby stream and reattached his head to his body. He walked home alone that night.
Wow! At first I figured this was a romance story about some boy proving he's a person on the inside, but that twist caught me ALL the way off guard! It's just- "Hey, wanna go out? Don't worry, I won't BITE." Seriously got me laughing regrettably for a solid 5 minutes. Where'd you get the idea for this from, anyway? A zombie-vampire-dullahan mix? Kind of a weird combination don't you think? Regardless, Good Job!
Hiya, Bella! I'm here for a quick review of this piece of yours ^^
While I enjoyed the twist toward the end -- it was definitely unexpected -- I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel like the main character truely felt anything either because, as opposed to the reader below me, it felt like too much "telling" to me. For instance, instead of sayings "Kipley had a severe the kept for months." you could play with that a bit more. How does Kipley feel about keeping this secret? Does he want her to find out? Why does he think he can trust her? These things can develop these characters a lot more, but they feel really flat right now.
As well, we were told that they were good friends (twice! That was extremely in my face <.< ) and instead of straight up telling us this, show it! What do they do? Have some flashbacks or memories or a smooth summary of the times they've had together. It's too blunt and not very engaging.
Speaking of engaging, I felt emotionless in this. I want to feel something and, well, I didn't know the characters. There were some missed opportunities for some characterization, one example being something I brought up earlier and another perhaps having Kipley reminisce about the good times and what lead up to this. Show us what he'd focus on to reveal things about his personality. Hint at his dark secret. Give us something so we can empathize with the character and maybe drag it out a bit more! And I don't mean the gorey part, I just mean in general. Have him resist more, remember more, be more in general! It'll be much more entertaining and memerable for the character when she does die ^^
The last few paragraphs flowed a lot better compared to the first part, because the images flowed into one another, which is another reason to be careful of telling the reader too much right away. Be careful of that ^^
If you're confused or I didn't give a good enough explanation, please message me and ask questions! I'd love to help out as much as I can ^^
Happy writing,
~ Wolfe
Ho. Ly. Crap.
Just.
Whoa.
Okay.
Little things first?
I would kill for more descriptions of the place and the people. You write simply without being simplistic; you set up a relationship quickly and establish them easily. It's great! But now I need to know what they look like, where they are, how they're feeling, etc. A little more, not too much, or you might lose the flow of the piece (which is great, by the way, big fan of the flow).
Each time a new person speaks, it should be a new paragraph. So all dialogue gets its own little paragraph.
Other than that, everything is great. This piece was extremely awesome, in general. Great diction, easy flow, and you really evoke a sense of hysteria at one point, and then a massive relief, followed by intense regret. I loved it. It really made me feel a lot of emotions while I read.
The only thing is that I'm not sure why his head has to be detached? I liked that departure from the vampire trope, but now the next step is exposition: why does his head detach? Are there more like him? What's that culture like? I want to know more!
Great job, just fantastic.
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