I stood to stare at everything before me
and I saw all of everything coming to nothing.
The reverence and passion came to nothing, it all became a simple blur.
I squinted to confirm reality
but illusion insisted not to occur
my eyes began to pain from the strain and all I could process was nothingness.
How could life escape so fast, just a simple blink,
a bit of ignorance and tender carelessness.
It had snatched , I was had robbed myself of everything.
Death had come when I was took a break to sigh.
She was gone and never to return,
maybe if I shook her she would wake,
perhaps she needed instant deep rest and she would wake to tell of her dream.
Pat, pat, shake, shake,
shout out and shout out, what was happening to her?
She could not be dead, she had survived Hades
she was really not the kind to die!
I want my grand, she has to wake up
and I have to apologize for my ignorance and then maybe she could rest again
and maybe, just maybe I'll find it okay.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! A short review. Sorry that it's so short by the way:
I think adding better punctuation could really improve this poem. Also if you make: "The reverence and passion came to nothing, it all became a simple blur." two lines instead of one it would flow and look a lot better.
"Pat, pat, shake, shake,
shout out and shout out, what was happening to her?"
I wasn't too fond of the onomonopias here. I just don't feel like it makes sense and is necessary. I feel like it disturbs the scene that you've ever so gracefully set up.
I hope this way helpful,
Alice ♥
HI AliceAfternoon
Thank you for your review, its quite helpful...
I really like this poem--I could feel the real emotion within it. Excellent job!
Just a little personal thing that I would change:
"Pat, pat, shake, shake,
shout out and shout out, what was happening to her?"
I like these lines, but for the second, I think it would flow a little better if it was just
"shout and shout, what was happening to her?"
--just a personal nit-pick. It's your poem and it's amazing the way it is, but that's just something I would do.
Other than that, I think you did an awesome job. Keep up the great work.
Thank you daysonend!