Addiction
Just one more sip I promised myself as the fiery burgundy liquid swam down my throat. Okay, well one more should really do it. Ah ha! Numbness. Exactly what I had been searching for. A means to an end; a blanket of solace. I waddled stumbled down to the gray couch and plopped my entire body down limb by limb. This was the life: no worries, no feelings, just me and my head.
Love—ew, no. Happiness… try again. Sweet, sweet indifference! The thoughts floated like clouds in the empty skies of my mind.
Step 1: take a large swig, until you start to feel light headed. Step 2: revel in the liberating satisfaction and power you have over your body. Step 3: if desired results have not yet been reached, repeat.
Who gave them license to smile? The balance of power always tilts in their favor! No matter, it doesn’t concern me. I have everything I need right here. Who cares what they’re doing? I’m the one having all the fun.
They can’t hear me. They never answer. They never come. Loneliness washed me to shore and back to the kitchen. Just one more sip, step 1, repeat.
I don’t have a problem, I’m fine, I swea—
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,932 Literary Works • 672,413 Reviews
Wow! It is short but surely is worth it! It made me feel a little bit scared but made me empathise with the character. The fact that it is a little bit confusing is great because my guess is that an addicted IS confused by his/her desire because he/she is completely aware of the consequences but just can't stop and that's exactly why the first line is so strong. Congratulations.
Okay, so I don't know what went wrong with some of the reviews here...
First off, I enjoyed the piece. You can tell that you're comfortable writing from a different perspective, or a first-person perspective in general, and that's something it takes a lot of writers much longer to grasp. That being said, it could be longer. Everything you had here was good, and I understand it's flash fiction, but I would like to see you playing more with the idea that they are getting progressively drunker, thus more confused, thus more emotional...and see where that goes.
Secondly, I agree with what people have said about the word waddled. I get the effect you are trying to go for, but waddled simply has that "light" connotation and from what I can tell, this is meant to be a darker piece; everything else points in that direction. BUT, for the people who commented on the "I swea--"...I like the way you kept the 'r' out and the purpose was not lost on me. Has anyone ever spun out drunk? Gotten to the point of blacking out? Certainly the person in this piece has, in fact they're in the process. That's the point. We lose consciousness as the narrator does; keep it the way it is, I see nothing wrong with it. The "them" and "they" are quite obviously just sober people, enjoying their lives and living without the black mark that is addiction. IF (and only if, because the vagueness has it's own, working effect) you wanted them to take on a more specified form, such as that of the narrators family or friends, then yes, I would add a bit more detail than what is said.
Overall, good piece with great potential. Love the writing style and perspectivism, and my only real complaint is that I'd like to see this either added to or the original scenario drawn out. Keep writing!
So I deci
I thought it was beautifully written, I like how you used first perspective in this it really helps emphasize on what the person was thinking, the things going through their mind. I also loved how you didn’t give the person a name, or any un-familiar characteristic, you made it be able to be anyone. Someone we’ve heard of, someone we know personally. It makes the reader feel a lot more involved with the story.
I didn’t like how you said, "Love—ew, no" I think you should choose between "ew" or "no" otherwise it felt very jumbled.
I hope this helps, Keep Writing love <3
hello there
This kinda made me think. Especially near the end of it. Who is they? Is "they" a family or therapist? maybe try to explain that just a little bit. Overall, it was a pretty interesting read; this gave the drinking a very "directional" and kind of deeper input of what the drinker thinks. Kinda cool
good job
--Ash
With all of the grammatical errors already mentioned above, I figure I'll just tell you that it was a great read.
I think this was my favorite part of the whole story. Can't really tell why, but I love it.Now, I don't drink (too young and I hate the taste of anything besides Peppermint Schnapps and Mike's Hard Lemonade), but I'm sure that if I was addicted to the drink, this short would hit the spot on my mindset. It's a great instruction manual for those who wish to drink their problems away.
Great work and by all means, keep it up! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hi there, beccalicious94!
I have read your short story and I loved it. However, my review might not seem helpful because I don't know much about flash fiction.
The story was going well until I've read that part. So, I've read the story again and again but can't refer the word 'them' to anything it. Maybe it would have been better if you made it clearer.
Overall, it is great. Keep on writing! And Good Luck in the competition (if it hadn't ended yet)
Hi there,
I liked this. Sorry, I didn't see anything wrong with it, except for the fact that it could have been longer, with a little more description so we know more about the character and his life, but I guess it's flash fiction so..well done! Bravo.
Hi, I'm Nike from Team TARDIS here to review!
I read this short fella', it was short and sweet. I wrote something about Addiction before, and your piece was better than mine!! But, I was concerned with the lack of detail, maybe some more would slow the pace down and make it more thick. People like reading something thick. I liked the beginning, I understood what the MC was doing.
OVERALL: Great Job!
Keep Writing!
Nike
My favourite, Flash fiction.
OK it should really be italics for 'Just one more sip' and 'Okay well one more should do it ah ha!
Also there should be a comma after 'Okay.'
Ah ha! should be removed in my opinion it breaks up the flow and doesn't really add anything. We know he is excited about drinking.
This is fine, except I would suggest changing Step 3 to something a little more formal. The instructions all seem formal and imperative except Step 3.
Try something like:
'If you have not reached desired results repeat the process.'
This is great insight into his personality.
Answered would ring a little better as 'answer' it would then sound like this is a common occurrence for him. Same goes for came/come.
Normally no writer would even try to use two sets of ellipses in one short piece of fiction, let alone two sets in under 300 words - that being said they are used correctly and aren't that distracting. Although in both instances you could simply use a hyphen, particularly at the end.
You can also do away with 'the end'
We don't need to be told when the story has ended. We can tell because there are no more words left.
All in all this is a pretty nice little story. You have introduced us to a character we would loathe, but, you have given us some insight into why he is what he is and we no longer despise him, rather we pity him. Well done.
The only other thing worth mentioning is the over use of italics. If you use italics as liberally as you have it can blunt the effect. You can write lines and tag them with ' I thought' or use other methods of indicating it is his thoughts we are hearing, other than italics. Reserve italics for the stuff you want to jump of the page, the important observations.
Other than that. Well done.
This is great.
Hope that helps,
JP
(Damn you confetti "Atleast one new post has been made to this..." You have probably stolen all the points I make. I'm going to post anyway!)
Those are just some suggestions, keep up the good writing ;P