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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
Hey Andge!
Fellow Green Beret! Your friendly co-captain sliding in with a review for you mere minutes before Review Day ends.
Okay! Wow. I liked this. Brief, concise, to the point. Very nice.
I like how, even though there wasn't a clear rhyme scheme, you made this flow nicely. Your pace was wonderful. Your topic even better. I can honestly say I adored this poem!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I love the rawness and the artistic simplicity of it. It's short, so it doesn't dilute the message or the emotions behind it at all; well done. I have to say, that I was a bit dismayed as I read this, because I couldn't find anything wrong with it. So I'm afraid that this is going to be a dreadfully short review.
My favourite part: Well, I couldn't pick so...
Great job!
Keep writing and sharing!
w&w
Hello there band! Dogs here with your review today! I think you make some excellent points in this poem and you have some really wonderful lines. The third stanza is just flat out marvelous, wonderful writing and just a perfect metaphor so to speak. I love that bit of your poem. Although, I do have a few nit picky points.
Firstly, the repetition of "I never knew that" is not doing many favors for your poem. Reason being is because when you use the same line in the same place in a stanza every single stanza, your writing becomes predictable, and once it becomes predictable it starts to lose the readers attention. And that should be an immediate red flag to you as the writer. I think you could certainly repeat "I never knew that" in several lines, just not in such a predictable fashion. Perhaps do it every two lines or some other "random" formatting you chose.
Although I simply adore that third stanza in your poem, it seems a little out of place in the grand scheme of things. Your talking about how your living a life with a broken heart and one with no purpose, but than this meaningful line in the middle of everything pops up and it seems odd. I would suggest you do one of two things: Either cut it out and stay true to your original plot for your poem, or modify your poem so it bends itself around this theme. Basically even if you took that terrible fall, it's the chance you took in jumping that really matters. At the risk of sounding cliche: "Why do we fall master Wayne? So we can pick ourselves up" (Alfred from Batman movies). Possibley one of my favorite quotes, so maybe you can play around with that idea.
I think you have a great stepping stone for your writing, it reads smooth and you have some good points. Although you stray off point a little bit, but that can easily be edited. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hello bandgeek101,
EnchnatedPanda here to review your poem!
I really enjoyed the sweetness and simplicity of your poem and the underlying hopefulness that is obvious when reading. It's got a nice message that there is always some sort of salvation even when soemthing bad happens. It's a common theme, but a good and very important one, and I enjoyed seeing how you explored it. Perhaps the most notable flaw in this was the shortness of it. When i read it I felt like you could have perhaps delved further into the emotions and feelings, but really you just skimmed the surface and never really touched on the mass of powerful paths you could have taken in this. This probably explains the shortness of this as well, I would have enjoyed this more if you had evoked power and had an impact on the reader through expanding your ideas and looking at this from a different angle rather than the cliche on which we see a lot with poetry like this.
Not sure I understand this stanza. I like the vocabulary and everything but I don't see how stars are a huge metaphor for insanity, I've certainly never looked at it that way. It's an interesting and unusual angle but it's not totally relevant. I would suggest linking the reference to stars to the life of the narrator, or explaining more how it has affected them in their own lives. Because right now I'm not totally feeling this part and I think it could be a bit more effective with more detail.
This part really gets you thinking because it makes you want to know how they have been welcome and the story behind these feelings. This is the part where I actually start getting interested and wanting to read more because it's the first time that you actually involve the reader and make people want to know what's going on. It's also the first time that you show any true emotion from the narrator and that in turn intrigues the reader and sparks a connection and develops a rapport between the two.
Ahh, a metaphor, I like it. I'm going to inference make an assumption that this is a reference to the readers own life and how they have taken a risk despite the consequences. It's another moment in the poem where we actually start learning about what's going on in their life and it's good that we can finally notice some kind of feeling within them. This is probably one of the best parts of them poem in my opinion.
Hmm, not sure about this. I see what you tried to do with adding exaggeration to show that the narrator actually feels it is impossible to give up but I'm not really feeling it. In my opinion phrases like this really are just too cliche in literature and they're best left out where possible. Although in this case I can see that it is actually relevant and fits in with what you are saying. Just make sure you keep any eye out for phrases like these and don't overuse them, it will spoil your writing. In this case though, it isn't too obvious.
Easily my favorite stanza. It sounds like some kind of famous quote and I like it. The repeated phrase, "I never knew" also works quite well with this part.
A great ending to a fantastic poem. I have no criticism for this part because it's really effective and fits in really well with the poem. keep up the really excellent work, this is a really cool conclusion.
From EnchantedPanda
Thanks for the review! I loved the input!