"Please Mr. Roxio. I need a break. I hurt," Cassandra pleaded to the very tall man with a lab coat. He let out a groan, but to the younger girl standing before him, it sounded more like a growl. She reacted how any frightened child would, by cowering in fear. The scientist's mouth twisted into a malicious grin.
"Do I scare you little Cassie?", he teased.
She shook her head no in fear. Last time she said yes, no food came her way for a week, along with a beating every day of that week.
"Whatever! Now do as your asked or you and your 'brother' will have consequences", he snapped, making air quotes.
Tears escaped her pale green eyes, but she would do this for Christopher. He didn't deserve any consequences from these monsters in lab coats. All of them were led by Mr. Roxio. He determined if the children he created were worth his money.
Her light brown hair spilled over her shoulders as she kneeled down. She focused on the one thing that symbolized freedom in her life. She remembered it from the first and only time she's ever been outside. It's beautiful silky black wings that carried it through the sky. Free to do whatever. A raven. Bones crunched and disappeared as new bones formed. Pain shot through her body, making her cry out. She heard a flutter of wings before everything blacked out.
"Cassandra", she heard a voice in her head.
"Please wake up sissy. The men could come back any minute now."
She slowly opened her eyes to see a frantic Christopher in her face.
"What happened?", She whispered.
"Shh. The men told me not to speak to you. Use your mind voice."
Cassandra nodded carefully. She knew if the men in the lab coats found out they were talking, they'd separate them. Her five year old brother was the only comfort she had in this painful place.
"What happened?", She asked.
"I don't know. I pretended to sleep when they walk in here. They say they you seem to be one of the stronger ones."
For being only seven, Cassandra was particularly smart for her age. The scientist figured since she was so young, she wouldn't understand what they were talking about, but she did. So when the mentioning of strong one rang a bell, she thought where she heard it.
"Sissy what's a strong one?", she heard her brother.
She thought about it for a minute. Her eyes widened when she remembered where she heard it from. Inside her room one day, she waited for her brother to come back from his painful testing of powers. Two scientist stopped outside her room mentioning a boy who had been so strong that they had to "take care of him".
"They're gonna kill me Chris", She said quietly through her mind.
Shock and tears welled up in both the children's eyes.
"But I need you!", Christopher pouted.
"There's nothing I can do."
The young boy took his pillow and through it at the wall. He knew she was the only person who cared enough about him to keep him safe. Everyone else of the experiments ignored him, but he didn't blame them. The men were scary, but Cassandra took beatings for him. She was brave. It was his turn to be brave and protect her.
Cassandra's breathes evened out and soon she was asleep. Around 2am, she felt tiny hands shaking her. She was instantly awake, knowing it was her brother.
"What's wrong", She whispered. Looking at her brother, she saw determination run through his face.
"You have to escape. You can't die."
"Even if I could, how could I leave you?"
"Don't worry. I'm smarts like you."
"No! I won't leave you.", She whisper-yelled.
Chris just smiled, but forced her behind the door. Despite her protests, she stayed there, hidden in the dark. The young boy walked to the middle of their small room and dropped. He screamed and screamed. Even though she knew it was fake, Cassandra flinched at the sight. Right then she knew exactly what his plan was.
"Please don't make me leave you", she whimpered mentally.
He ignored her and continued screaming. A few scientists came crashing into the room, nearly hitting her with the door.
"RUN!"
She looked at him one last time before running out of the room. The halls were empty that was until the escape alarm sounded. Scientist surrounded her in the hall way. The only way out was the fifth story window next to her. Raven, she thought. The raven can fly.
She jumped out the window. Glass breaking as her weight crashed through it. Falling, she concentrated on her raven but felt no change. She waited for her body to hit the ground, but nothing came. Only wind in her face. She opened her eyes to see she was flying. Her silky-black wings carried her through the night sky.
Her raven started to fade away since this was her second time fully changing into it. Darkness clouded her vision as she fell a short distance to the ground. She landed on pavement and heard a loud screech. Two bright lights illuminated the night sky. Her body changed back into her normal self. A woman ran up to her side, looking shocked and worried, but couldn't make out a thing she was saying. Before passing out, she heard her brothers voice, sounding pained and came out like a whimper.
"Good luck sissy"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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And so we start with a nice bit of feels. Compelling, relatable, and powerful. A classic technique indeed. It does a good job of leaving the reader asking questions. Just be sure to answer them.
Now, your style. It's...hard to grasp. You don't put that much effort into detail apart from the raven, and I found that a bit hard to understand. It might be because she's young(?), but you could take more time to enunciate details like Roxio's appearance and Chris' screaming. Other than that, the flow was nice, and the mood was spot-on.
Also, I hate to have to say it, but Show, don't tell! is a big part of it. Don't tell everything to the reader. You can let it out through dialogue and description. In two particular parts it might work:
How about:
It's not fair, he insisted. It's not fair at all. You're always doing this for me, and now...they're gonna... A sound akin to sobbing rang through her mind as Chris broke off, choking on his tears.
Now, I left off the bravery-turn part. Why? Because it might make more of an impact if it comes as a surprise. It came as a surprise to Cassandra, and dramatic irony doesn't work if it only lasts for a few seconds.
You can treat it as you please; it's only an opinion.
Next:
You could describe her sensation of fatigue, and have the fact that it was only her second transformation stated as a lone impact sentence. Again, only an opinion.
Overall, this is a very interesting beginning to what I'm sure will be an exciting read. Cheers.
-Chaser
I loved this! This was a great start and I'm eager to see where this goes. Hopefully, there's a fully realized world waiting to be explored, because that's what I want to see next. This was well written, too. Great job!
OMGOSH what kind of story is this? I LOVE IT. It somewhat reminds me of James Patterson's Maximum Ride series mixed with something else. Very good.
Now
So I want you to look at what's in red, those are the spot I had trouble with. The little brother is 5, so he speech is okay right?? Like with the last one and the word 'smarts', if he meant to say that, then I get it. Although with the first one, it's a little harder to get. The second one instead of it I think you meant in.
Whelp that's all that screamed from my attention. Link me when you post another chapter. I'd like to see where this goes.
~Sharrae out, tottles