“What is that?”
“I already told you.”
“Nah-uh, there is no way you can tell me that thing is a boar.”
Someone lightly kicked Ezra’s shoulder. He groand and rolled back over, pulling the cloak he had been using as a blanket over his head. He could still feel the warmth of the sunlight through the cloth, but refused to budge. He had stayed up long after a normal watch, unable to feel safe about sleeping with no watch but still impeded by the idea of waking Will to calm his own mind. It wasn’t until after the bizarre coloring of his surroundings had faded did he stretch out for some shuteye.
“Get up!” Clause roughly yanked him off the ground.
Ezra’s eyes flew open. “Alright, I’m up, I’m here!” he cried out. He looked around wildly. He stumbled, and caught Clause’s arm to keep from falling over. I look like a drunken fool. And felt like one too. His head pounded and his vision blurred around him. The sun was more than just warm now, it was positively blinding.
Clause growled and shrugged Ezra off. “What’s the matter with you? Did you sleep at all last night?” The tinge of red coloring Ezra’s ears appeared to be enough of an answer. Clause rubbed his brow and then ran his hand through his hair. “I’ll let you know when we need a watch. No more all-nighters unless I give the say so.”
Ezra nodded mutely, feeling as foolish as a child.
“So… Does that mean you’re not up for this?” Will asked, cutting in.”
“Up to what?”
“It would appear we’re a bit cornered.” Katiandra said lightly.
Vision finally settling, Ezra turned to see what the fuss was all about. An immense creature stood just outside the ring of mushrooms. Is that what they meant? he thought, recalling the bits of conversation he had heard earlier. Despite sharing the same basic form, the creature certainly didn’t look like any boar Ezra had seen. It was notably taller than Lily; he had never seen a boar of this size, not even when hunting had been done for sport. And the coloring was wrong. This beast’s fur was jetty-black, and had glowing, red eyes- not the normal browns that served as camouflage. The worst part though, was its tusks. They had grown in jagged, and stuck up far enough to pierce Ezra’s chest with a slight toss of the head.
It dug its hoof into the ground and lowered it’s massive tusks, but refrained from crossing the circle. Still, Ezra was no longer groggy with sleep. He placed a hand on the hilt of his sword, but Clause caught his wrist.
“We’re safe here, but the moment you cross that circle it’ll charge. You useful enough to take care of him?”
“But what is it?”
Clause sighed. “A I already explained to you friend, it’s a boar.
Ezra frowned and stared at the animal. “...Really?”
“Yes, though I agree, odd coloring.”
“And size!” Will huffed. “The thing is massive!”
“It can’t get in?” Lily asked softly. Ezra hadn’t noticed her cowering behind Katiandra’s form.
Clause smiled and knelt down to the girl. “Nope. I promise.” He glanced at Ezra before continuing. “Ez is really strong, I bet he can make it go away.”
Ezra nodded. “Will,” he clipped, “We’re gonna tag-team it. Basic tactics. You want the honor?”
Will shook his head in bewilderment, but finally said “Sure. I’ll trust your call.”
“Ok, careful now.”
The two moved to different ends of the circle, keeping the boar centered between them. Ezra held out a hand, glancing a Will. The boar shook its black head wildly and started to back up. It wasn’t clear if he had chosen, or even could choose a target. Ezra clenched his hand into a fist, and both he and Will leapt out of the circle. They cut a wide berth from the mushrooms, drawing their swords as they moved. The board snorted furiously, but still refused to charge. Will turned to look at Ezra, maybe fifty paces away. Ezra didn’t take his eyes off the boar, but slowly motioned with his free hand for Will to back away.
The boar appeared to be startled by such intense eye-contact, and directed his attention to Ezra. Ezra slowly knelt down, drawing nearer as he did. His heart thudded in his chest, and for a brief second he wondered if the tusks would actually be too long to reach something on the ground. Still, the boar refused to charge. Well I get the first move then. In one swift motion, he pulled the dagger on his leg free and threw it at the boar. The gleaming blade somersaulted through the air before burying itself in the beast’s snout.
“Now you’re angry,” Ezra whispered to himself. Sure enough, the boar squealed in rage and charged at him. Ezra drew in a deep breath, but held his position on ground until the last possible second. When the boar was less than three paces away, Ezra leapt to the side and dove into a roll, holding out his sword arm. The blade clipped he stout legs of the beast, but got stuck. Ezra lost his grip on the sword as he tumbled out of the way.
“Hurry up, Will!” he yelled. The boar emitted a guttural cry as it fell to the ground. It hobbled to its feet, kicked the sword out of the wound Erza inflicted, and whirled around wildly. Ezra struggled to regain his footing as the beast lowered its head to charge once more.
“Aurrgg!” Will screamed as he ran past Ezra’s position attacked the beast from the side. He sprang into the air, and then plunged his his blade into the boar’s skull. The animal shrieked with pain, jerked violently, and then fell still. Will held his sword in place for a few more seconds before withdrawing it.
“Not bad!” Ezra complimented the younger soldier as he retrieved his own sword. “Though you could work on your timing.”
Will grinned as he wiped his blade clean on the ground. Then he yanked Ezra’s dagger out of the creature’s snout and handed it back to him. Danger clear, Clause hurried over to the soldiers.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey, darling! So I haven't read the rest of this novel; I apologize if I don't critique your overarching plot or characterization, or if questions I have can be answered by reading the rest. However, I am here to save your work from the Green Room, so let's go!
Your syntax here is extremely repetitive, and, to be honest, it's one of the first things that caught my eye (besides that typo on "groaned"). I'm a stickler for variation in syntax; when I see a lot of sentences that are built the same way, it bores me, especially when all of them start with the same pronoun.I don't think your pacing is terrible in this—it could probably use a bit of work, since this is obviously supposed to be a tense scene of sorts but it's kind of broken up by the sheer amount of dialogue and deliberation you have. Your description's pretty good, but you should probably look out for the syntax.
Instead of writing sentences like this, with the extremely repetitive and monotone use of verbs, try mixing it up a little! You can make "the warmth of the sunlight through the cloth" the subject of the second sentence (as in, "The warmth...splayed on his skin, but he refused to budge"), and that would already go a long way to making that selection less repetitive.
As for the next point, this is probably something that would be answered if I read the other chapters, but Katiandra's name just keeps jumping out at me and I keep looking at it and going "what?" It's probably intentional, it just feels really weird.
Other than that, I don't have much to say on this. Keep writing!
Hey, it's me! Really enjoying this so far.
Yay, some action! I don't know much about writing fight scenes, since I've never done it before, but I imagine that it can't be easy. You pulled it off really well, though! I could visualize the movements pretty easily. I kind of wonder how Lily felt about watching Ezra kill something, though?
Italics just don't like you, do they? I don't know how to help you with that. Only a few corrections besides that, though.
"Too," not "two."
"As," should be lowercase.
That's about all! I can't wait to see where you take this. Best of luck in your writing!
-Evvy
Thanks for catching that! I hadn't thought about Lily's response, but I'll play around with it a bit!
Dang it! I had the italics working...