My heart pounds painfully under my breast, my feet slapping against the pavement as I run for shelter. I'm not alone in my mad dash for cover, hundreds if not a thousand others do likewise, their fear as tangible as my own. The peacefulness of everyday routine was shattered but five minutes ago, the near defening explosion followed by the ground shaking violently beneath our feet. There were no confused expressions in that instant only the stampede with it's cries of fears and anguish.
Every person is of one mind. Having been warned of this coming moment we've been directed to a building where we'd be assured family would be waiting. As we close in on it there are men in uniform pointing the way. I so badly need to believe my only sibling Kolani will be there. Having raised me since she was sixteen, as our parents had died in a plane crash, shes not always at home having to make money where ever possible. I only hope that today she wasn't near the explosion, able to get to the shelter.
Coming upon the doors everyone is squished. I can feel another's panicked breath on my neck, others are craning their necks as much as possible, trying to get some glimpse of a loved one, while others call out names listening intently for a response. My anxiety bubbles forth making me ache to tear through the crowd and towards my sister where ever she may be. I pray she's alright.
Alas the crowd breaks up and confusion sets in. Where do I look? Will she somehow find me? I tamp down the tears that threaten to flow, scolding myself under control. I begin a fast pace to the left dodging and weaving through embracing bodies.
"Lilo!"
Stumbling to a stop my heart hitches in my chest. Spinning on my heel I see her, black hair disheavled with tear streaks down her pretty face. She runs towards me, arms outstreached and I leap into them. Her whole body is shaking in relief. It is then I release my pent up tears. My sisters safe, I'm safe and were together.
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"under my breast"
That part was a little weird (to me personally) I prefer the word chest, but honestly I bet other people aren't nitpicky about this.
"the near defening explosion"
I usually do this too when I'm rushing to type. Did you mean deafening?
"Coming upon the doors everyone is squished"
Were they squished in a crowd trying to get through the doors?
"disheavled with tear streaks"
Just a little mistake again with spelling.
"I so badly need to believe my only sibling Kolani will be there."
This sentence was a little awkward. I think you could've replaced this sentence with: " I hoped with all my heart my only sibling Kolani will be there." The "I so badly need to" part made my eye twitch. (Just joking, lol)
"She runs towards me, arms outstreached"
Once again, spelling mistake. Outstretched would be the correct term.
"Alas the crowd breaks up and confusion sets in"
A comma after alas could've been put in.
"It is then I release my pent up tears"
This sentence seemed awkward also. The "It is then I" part seemed incorrect to me.
"I release my pent up tears" would be better.
Let me just say that I'm surprised by this. I thought I had the ending figured out. I thought it would be an anecdote against violence, or war. Instead, you were able to convey the relief that is given to the survivours when safety has been achieved-- especially with their loved ones.
However, you seem to have a few issues with punctuation here.
"My heart pounds painfully under my breast, my feet slapping against the pavement as I run for shelter." This isn't a run on sentence- and you so narrowly avoided it- but we can see two separate and unrelated thoughts here. You're talking about her heart beating erratically. Then you're talking about her running. If I were you, I'd make it into two sentences to make it seem more urgent. If not, I'd add in a -- instead of that comma. "M dashes" are used to signify when the train of thought has changed.
"I'm not alone in my mad dash for cover, hundreds if not a thousand others do likewise, their fear as tangible as my own." Now this is a run on sentence. We have two separate sentences here, "I'm not alone..." and "hundreds if not a thousand...". However, in this case, since the thoughts are closely related, change the first comma to a semicolon.
You seem to have a problem with commas. When you're creative writing like this, I generally go by the rule that whenever you would pause in a sentence, you add a comma. This is really something that you need to do because it'll help you to solidify what your sentence is saying.
In a whole, though, I like this story quite a lot. It was very enjoyable. Thank you. Good luck.
So, I'll start off with saying good job! This is a very good piece and I like it very much! I hope that you will continue to work hard and write good pieces like this!!! This is very well formatted and I love the content. It is dramatic and flows very well. As I said before good job and keep up the good work!