Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Devious
By: Olivia Richard
Chapter One
I'm heading off to college in short of two weeks and my mother’s on this kick of bonding because seventeen years of it clearly wasn't enough for her. You’d think she’d have been breaking out in elation at this time, and yet, so not following code.
“I just don’t understand why we can’t spend these last few days together?” Dropping her hands from prayer position she dropped into the chair across from me.
Laying eyes on her you would see a wickedly attractive woman. Standing at five eight she’s got sleek auburn hair, porcelain skin, striking brown eyes and curves everywhere. The only feature of hers I received was the porcelain skin. Everything else was dads. I've got boring brunette hair, brown eyes and a stick figure. Heredity didn't roll a fair dice.
“We can’t do that because I've been generous and gave you the better part of my summer vacation. Now back off woman!”
“I’m not backing off. College is a huge deal and we won’t be able to see each other all that often Morgan.”
Hallelujah for that. “Mom you don’t think I understand that but I do. I’m on limited time and I’d prefer to take that time and spend it with friends. The ones that have been nagging me for weeks to ditch you to be with them. You know, they do exist.”
“Yes Morgan I am very much aware of their existence. Need I remind you I've allowed many of them to spend the night in this very house over the years and drove all of you to soccer matches? It’s just hard you’re being an adult now and independent of your father and me.”
Shoveling in the last of my breakfast I scurry over to the sink. Please not the speech anything but the speech. I got one when I turned thirteen and again at sixteen. You need to understand my emotions and I aren't the best of friends and crying in front of anyone is simply mortifying for me. I’d rather stick my head in the sand. Brushing at my face I collected my dignity before facing her again.
“Mom I’m sure you can find someone to spend time with. Go shopping, gossip, anything other than spend all your time with me. What’s dad been up to?”
She put her hands up. “Alright, I get your meaning I’ll concede defeat-this time. Your dad’s out golfing but now that you mention it we should spend some time together. Thanks Morgan.”
“No problem mom, just putting your life into perspective.” I dashed up the stairs before she could scold me.
Throwing the door open to my room I fairly flew atop my queen size bed, my eighteenth birthday present. Second best to the car I got for my sixteenth. Stuffing a pillow under my chin I took up my phone, quickly scrolling through till I found him. As Noah’s appointed hero since middle school, I guess standing up to a bunch of ignorant people and getting into a fight with one of them will get you that. It was a gratifying moment for him as well as me and I wouldn't turn my back on the guy for anything.
“Good morning love, how are you this fine morning?”
“Well love I’m much better after having finally succeeded in ditching mom and can make time with my favorite person. You are available aren't you?”
“Love please I've been sitting around here waiting for you and you dare ask if I’m free. You’re too cute. What did you have in mind today?”
“It cannot be shopping I’m honestly all shopped out. What do you say to going to the beach?”
“I knew the wait for you would be worth it. I’m all for it and I even get to show you my new suit.”
“I can’t wait. Let me get ready and I’ll meet you there in a few okay?”
“See you then love.”
Chapter Two
Rushing through my usual morning routine, I dug through my numerous bikinis till I decided on a pale yellow with a halter top throwing on a tank top and jean shorts over it. Dropping my cell into my purse and getting a beach towel I was out the door with a wave to my mom. Freedom, sweet freedom it felt good to get away. Climbing into my Jeep I immediately started up the car to get the music going. Being in my mother’s car didn't allow for music. She was very annoying with the quality time. It took every ounce of self- control not to burn rubber away from the house but I managed.
South Carolina has to be one of those stars in the eye type of places, especially when ones got Myrtle Beach. Windows down and the sea on the breeze, this is exactly what I needed. Parking in the lot, I shot Noah a quick text letting him know I’d arrived. With my head turned down and away from the window I didn't notice the shadow. So when he pounded the glass with the palms of his hands I nearly flew out of my skin. Giving him the finger, I got out, only for us to embrace as if nothing had happened.
“Ah, love it’s been too long. We can’t be apart this long ever again. Will you swear it?”
Noah was a picture of mocha beauty, six foot two of lean hips with a six pack. Even my gay best friend had more curves than me.
Tossing my towel over my shoulder I walked ahead not giving an immediate answer.
“Morgan, it’s been two months of no you and I and I’d like some reassurance please.”
“Noah, with us heading off to separate colleges we’ll be able to stay in contact through phone but for physical face to face it might be more difficult.” Turning me to face him I knew for a fact the glint of determination in his eyes was one I hadn't encountered before.
“We haven’t even been here all of five minutes and you’re putting on the serious. Your mom really did a number on you. Just promise we won’t lose our friendship.”
His words struck me. “Noah I swear, I have sworn since middle school nothing would take us apart, no distance in the world will break our friendship-okay?”
Giving me a nod of confirmation he clasped our hands as we maneuvered through sunbathing bodies to find our own spot. Two months of missing this I nearly forgot how great heated sand felt between the toes and under my feet. Sitting close enough so that the water came up to our feet we got comfortable.
“So tell me everything I've been missing since being in the clutches of my mother.”
Digging through his bag he pulled out a bottle of sun tan lotion. “I’ll tell you while I get some of this on you.”
Waggling my eyebrows I turned to give him my back. “You’re so good to me, I have to wonder what I would do without you.”
“My love you would look as red as that tomato on Veggie Tales. As you know my parents have been warring over what I should be career wise and they've yet to give up.”
I’m no stranger to his parents and their war over their only child. Being the offspring of a power couple has been no easy feat for him thus far. Not when he’s expected to inherit more than the intimidation his last name brings. It’s a frustrating thing to witness knowing I’m helpless to do anything.
“Well I’m just glad you never caved and instead are staying true to your desires.”
Closing the cap he threw his arms around me. “You've no idea how good it is to hear that, thank you.”
Crossing my arms over his, I squeezed back. “I’m your hero remember?”
Chapter Three
“You know these last few days together would be a real send off with a party.” Noah said.
“A party could be a perfect idea, if either of our parents would agree not to supervise.”
Burrowing his feet into the sand I watched his shapely brows furrow.
“I feel as if we’re the only eighteen year olds' whose parents don’t trust them.”
Shaking my head I sat Indian style. “They fear thievery. Don’t stress so much, something’s bound to come up.”
“I know, you’re right but at the same time you know waiting is torturous for me.”
The last time Noah had to wait for something he wanted bad, there were tears and they weren't coming from him.
“I say we have a sleepover, invite Heather, order greasy delicious food and binge out on chick flicks.”
“I say that’s a damn good idea. Whatever has that girl been up to anyway?”
Shrugging I tried to get as much sand off my feet before sliding my sandals on. “I’m sure she’s been having loads more fun than the two of us have.”
Hiking his bag onto his shoulder he kicked at the sand. “No disagreement there.”
Half an hour later we were curled up in his living-room, DVD’s piled up and waiting for Heather.
“Why does it always take that girl so long?”
“Noah we've barely stepped through the door ourselves, so take a diva chill pill. She’ll be here.”
“Oh I know she’ll be here if she knows what’s good for-“
Cut off by the doorbell I held up a hand indicating I would answer. We didn’t need a good time over before it had a chance to start.
“Heather my other love, I’ve missed you.”
As I was standing behind Sammy to shut the door I threw Noah an incredulous expression.
Since she stood at five feet, there was no chance of her catching it.
“It’s so great to see you both. I won’t lie I was worried we wouldn’t get a chance to hang out. Not with Morgan MIA and you, well I don’t know what or whereof you.” Dropping her bags, meaning bags, I jumped back in order to miss my feet being crushed.
Her outfit consisted of a neon pink tube top, pristine white shorts and her blond hair done in double Dutch braids. She looked as adorable as ever.
“Heather don’t you think you went a little overboard with the packing?”
“Oh these, this is nothing. I of course have my clothes and some make up and I covered any movies the two of you could’ve missed.”
“I want to get this thing started so stop loitering at my door and get in here.”
Heather’s eyes turned on me. “Did he take his diva pill today?”
Giving her a sympathetic expression we got to it. “Which of our boring summer stories do you want to hear first?”
Her eyes shifted between the two of us as if she were seriously contemplating. “Noah, you go first.”
“My parents are still in this fantasy world where they think they can choose my career.”
“Can I assume their warring this time came with a threat?”
“Of course it did and I of course knew they weren’t serious. It’s all just-pathetic.”
“Now it’s your turn to explain the MIA lady Morgan.”
“I was in my mother’s vice, no escape there.”
“I really am the only one of the three of us that had a real vacation, poor babies. Now that we have this time we can make it up for it, so let’s.”
“Great, let’s kick it off with food, I’m starving,” Noah complained.
Hours later, after having gorged on as much take out as we could eat we were half way through Uptown Girls. I basked in these moments. Especially now with college coming, they would be far and few between.
“Murphy’s so beautiful. Like she snapped her fingers and everything effortlessly fell into place,” Heather said.
That got a snort from Noah. “She snapped her fingers or her bank account worked its own form of magic.”
Heather gave me an inquiring expression. “How did you avoid the peer pressure Morgan? From fifth grade on other girls were falling into the line of change and you managed to avoid it.”
I knew my answer was important to her. She’d been one of those girls. “I didn’t manage it. Not completely anyway. I was in my room one day looking my figure over in the mirror. I wasn’t seeing the hourglass and feeling rejected. My mother walks in and knows what’s going through my head. Told me confidence started when beauty and strength were holding hands. I thought she was crazy till I realized she was right.”
“I never knew that Morgan. You always seemed so self-assured.”
Giving her a smile I waved a dismissive hand. “I need to know. Did you gain anything from following the crowd?”
Her expression became shuttered. I’d overstepped my boundary.
“Well if the mood killer is through I’m going to make some tea, you girls want any?”
Silence fell as we followed. I hadn’t meant to bring the mood down but I was curious. Getting down on his knees he rooted around in a cabinet.
“I’ve got lemon tea, green tea or something called grey earl.” Dropping the boxes on the counter I went for a green. Reaching up I brought down three mugs.
“I love the way tea has that calming effect,” Noah said. Carrying the tea kettle over to the sink he filled it with water before setting it on the stovetop. His attempt at breaking the tension wasn’t working. My words had really bothered her. The silence continued even while we were having our tea. Perhaps I’d reconsider my career and go into phycology, learn to read people better.
“I’m going back into the other room. When you two have talked this out, come and join me.”
“Heather I’m sorry if I sounded insensitive I was only curious. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Avoiding my eyes she set her mug down next to her phone. “No your fine I should have put it behind me by now.”
Giving her the boo-boo lip I raised my arms to go in for a hug just as her phone vibrated. My eyes were drawn to it, the name causing my entire body to tense.
Chapter Four
“Noah, I need you-right now,” I demanded. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I wouldn’t have thought it possible from her.
“For the love of peace can the two of you not work this out? I’d like to enjoy my night.”
My jaw was clenched so tight I had to concentrate to speak again. “Tell him who just called you.”
His eyes darted between looking puzzled. “It has to be a ten on the Richter scale if Morgan’s worked up as bad this.”
“I highly doubt there’s a number for this Noah. Serena was the one that called just now.”
The silence was so absolute I swear I could hear Noah’s frantic thoughts, the disbelief marring them. “Why are you in contact with that bitch?”
Calling Serena a bitch was a kindness compared to other names we had for her. From third to seventh grade it’d been Heather and me taking her on. Eighth grade through beginning of ninth it was the three of us, misery at its finest. Once you were caught in Serena’s web of “friendship” it was near impossible to get free. I sound dramatic because she’s dangerous, mentally. The mind is a personal playground for her.
“For someone that’s just betrayed her closest friends you sound really aloof,” I stated.
“If I sound aloof it’s because I don’t know any other way to sound.”
I hadn’t realized I’d been about to smack her till Noah’s hand caught my wrist. “If we don’t get a satisfactory answer, then you may hit her. How long has she been back?”
Releasing me I crossed my arms to restrain myself.
“She arrived at the beginning of summer. Her dad has a client that’s about to bring in big money here.”
“Since she’s here I take it Varian is too?” I asked.
“Yes, he’s here too. You know they’re never far from the others side-ever.”
Varian is Serena’s twin brother. He’s the physical punishment to her mental. When they’re in sync you know you’re worse off. Looking over at Noah I noticed the faraway look in his eyes. He’d experienced the duo punishment. What that completely entailed I never desired to know.
“She got a hold of you so she obviously has something planned for us. Spill, what is it?” Noah demanded.
To be able to close my eyes and open them and find this one big bad dream sounded wonderful.
“I’m being completely honest she hasn’t revealed that-yet.”
“Going for the element of surprise after three years I’ve no doubt she’s euphoric right now,” Noah said.
The conversation and Heather’s lack of apology was making me sick. “I’m going home, thanks for ruining a good time Heather.” Storming past I grabbed up my bag from Noah’s room. At the door I hugged him shooting a disgusted look at her. I still wanted to smack her.
The drive home was one constant thought loop of Serena and Heather. What bothered me the most about it was that Heather didn’t immediately inform us of her. After all we’d been through and she pulls this on us. It didn’t make sense. She had to of known the outcome, that we’d consider it a betrayal. By the time I pulled in front of the house I had a disturbing thought, one I’d be sure to run across Noah, get his thought on it. Entering the house my parents were curled up together on the couch. Seeing me they wore similar expressions of confusion.
“Heather ruined it for us. That’s all I’m saying about it, good night.” As I was already in my pajamas I cocooned myself in blankets settling in for what I hoped would be a dreamless night. Lucky me I was out in seconds.
I awoke to the sight of my mom bringing me breakfast in bed. There were only ever two occasions for this. Either I was sick or she was nosy without trying to be. Setting the tray down my mouth watered at the sight of it. She’d made all my favorites.
“Will you tell me about it?”
Picking up a strawberry I examined it for bruises before popping it in my mouth. “Heather has been coercing with the enemy.”
Her brows rose. “When you say the enemy you don’t mean “The Enemy””.
My silence was my reply. “She wasn’t even apologetic. Acting like backstabbing was just another mission.”
“Why are those terrors back here?”
My mother wasn’t aggravated she was livid. Understandably, as Serena’s actions had wound me up in therapy. “Her dad’s got a business deal with a big paycheck going on.”
Standing her eyes filled with pain. “You’re all eighteen now, there’s nothing I can do for you. I trust though you’ll be the bigger person.” Giving me a faulty smile she left.
Getting a few more bites of food in I called Noah. Answering on the second ring he barely managed a hello before I started in.
“Heather was the easiest target.” It was the only plausible answer.
“Morgan, hold up. Where’d that come from?”
“Serena obviously has something on her or she wouldn’t have folded so easy.”
I heard rustling and a muffled curse.
“Do you think that’s why she put on that act?”
“Terrible as she was at it. Yeah I do.”
“Should we confront her then or keep playing along?”
I didn’t want her thinking our forgiveness came easy. “We’ll keep playing along.”
“My love you are as strategic as you are devious. I love it.”
We talked a bit more making plans to meet at one for retail therapy. After the bombshell we’d been dropped it called for it.
Chapter Five
Having time to kill I helped my mom around the house. At the end of every season she likes to change the space up.
“This looks really good mom.” Picking up the pillows I was sure to make them just so.
“I couldn’t have done it without help. Do you have plans for the day?”
“Yeah, I’m shopping at the mall with Noah.”
“Hope that’s a good enough distraction.”
I shrugged. “You’re not the only one”
Arriving at the mall I waited in the food court.
“Are you ready to vent your anger?” Noah asked. Turning my head I noted his choice of menacing skull shirt and black jeans. I supposed nothing said back off like a skull.
“I read you loud and clear but those colors-really?”
Instead of answering he looped my arm through his taking me from my seat.
“Let’s go, I’m in a state of desperation.”
I didn’t think it’d be so hard to immerse myself in something as trivial as shopping, but alas I was struggling and wondering if Noah was as well.
“I think you’d look amazing in this,” He said.
Dispersing from my train of thought I looked over to see him holding a one shoulder with slits on either side. I had to admit it was pretty chick. The only fault was summer was coming to a close and there would be lack of opportunity to wear it.
“I’ll put that in the possibility pile. Do you think we’ll survive college?”
Flipping through another rack he merely glanced at me. “For the sake of our parents bank accounts I pray we do. Not that I have any real doubts, we’re goal oriented people.”
Reflecting on that I realized he was right. Never once in the time we’ve known each other has a goal ever not been reached.
“Have you found anything for me yet?” He asked.
With Noah you had to be careful, not just anything would do. Shaking my head no I continued to rifle through more shirts. Then again perhaps I was just picky and wanted him to wear what I liked.
“I’m not feeling this store for you love.”
Giving the shirts a once over of his own he reluctantly agreed before heading out.
“My mom has already spent a fortune on me for my college wardrobe but I never fail to find something I might’ve missed.
I wrapped my arm back through his. “Your wardrobe is one that will never have enough. Have you ever given thought to becoming a fashion blogger?”
Stopping abruptly he met my eyes. “That wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Heaven knows why I haven’t done that sooner.”
“I’m sure your parents are bound to love this one.”
We didn’t immediately go into another store instead choosing to roam the mall. For whatever reason I always found the mall to be the perfect place to people watch. Honestly I’ve caught the most bizarre sights and conversations. Currently I was fixated on a pajama wearing female with a pair of cat ears on her head. Not wanting to get caught staring I diverted my attention elsewhere. I really had to question the outfit choices of others. I mean really, pajamas out in public-okay.
“I need a pretzel and I need one now,” Noah stated. Pulling me along I had to make apologies to those we jostled in our wake. He had a one track mind when he was hungry. I was going to have to mention this.
Being the third set of people in line gave us time to review our choices. I was undecided between a cheese pretzel and a cinnamon when Noah’s cell went off. Taking it from his pocket he grimaced at the name. I knew it was the backstabber without him having to tell me. Watching his expression it became confused.
“Does she want something or did she make a pathetic apology?”
“It’s the former. Besides I doubt she’d be forthcoming with the latter.”
“Well what’d she say?” I wasn’t dying to know but I still did.
“She says, “This is an invite to a formal occasion, look your best.” There’s an address I don’t recognize.”
We didn’t notice the line had moved till the employee tried to get our attention. Giving him an apologetic smile we stepped out of line, our hunger evaporated.
“Did she say when to be there? Not that I wanted to go but if Noah decided to I couldn’t leave him alone.”
“She said, “Join me at eight-tonight.””
Chapter Six
Our shopping effectively wrecked we went back to my parents place. Taking up my tea I could only stare morosely into it. In two days we’d been put through an emotional roller costar of shock, anger, disgust and now confusion.
“Heather knows we won’t turn this down,” Noah said.
“She didn’t even ask us, she told us what it was and expects us to be there.”
“Once again Serena pulls the strings. Damn the girl’s irritating.”
“What I really want to know is how Heather became her puppet. How is it that Serena knows something about her we don’t?”
Trailing his fingertip along the rim of his mug his expression was fierce with concentration.
“What happens when we get her out of there? Do we forgive her or dump her?”
Those very questions had been twisting at my gut. “We need to know what Serena has first, get Heather out of there then make our decision.”
Letting out a weary sigh he leaned his head against mine. “Now we waste time then figure out what to wear.”
We spent the hours watching reality shows and talking with my mom about our exciting night. She scoffed at the invite. When it hit seven thirty, I slipped into a navy blue number with sequins, letting my hair flow over my shoulders.
At his place he stepped out in a silver dress shirt, collar open with black slacks. Seeing my expression he gave me a conspiratorial wink.
“Be sure there’s not too much bloodshed-okay?”
Having driven for a half hour we finally pulled up to the house. Both sides of the street were packed with cars. I had to remember Serena did nothing in small measures.
“I can literally feel my stomach in my throat,” Noah said.
“Don’t you dare wimp out on me now, we’re doing this.”
Giving me a nod he let out a heavy breath. Assured we headed for the house. It was decked out in a candle lit pathway to the door, the knocker the face of a gargoyle. I was interested to find out who the owner was. Sharing a look I pounded on the door. It wasn’t a long wait till Heather opened with a smug expression. I feared Noah would have to hold me back again.
“You came, I just knew you would. Please come in and join us. You two look great by the way.”
Brushing aside the compliment I met her eyes. “So, where’s our guest of honor?”
She waved a hand. “Oh, Serena, she’s around here somewhere. In the meantime you should get comfortable, mingle with the others.”
With that she disappeared into the crowd. Looking around I didn’t doubt there to be about fifty plus people.
“Noah, I’m leaving you to the mingling, I’m going to search the place.” Heading for the stairs I had to squeeze through bodies as I went.
I didn’t encounter many others when I passed the last step. The few that I did were too immersed in their own conversations to pay me any mind. Coming to the end of the hall I stood before three doors. As they were identical plain dark wood I was left to my own device. I felt the door directly in front would be too easy, which left the doors on either side. Feeling gravitated I went with the right being sure to open it as quietly as possible. Entering quickly I didn’t bother with the light switch. There wasn’t any need.
The room was filled with candles every color and size. I felt as if I’d stepped into someone’s lair. A four poster dominated the room bedded entirely in black. Stepping farther in a feeling of acute dread washed over me. Taking everything in my attention was drawn to the closet. Sliding one door open I was struck by the attire. Every item of clothing was pristine white, not a trace of color anywhere. Bending down I rifled through shoes not sure what I was looking for but knowing it was here. I found it in the middle of the wall-a latch. Pushing shoes aside I realized it was a door, small as it was. Opening it I was assaulted by the smell of chalk. Crawling in my eyes fell on a pentagram, more candles surrounding it. My instant thought was witchcraft. Questions gnawed at my mind, one in particular taking precedence above all.
Why would Serena be into witchcraft?
I didn’t get any time to think about it due to being yanked out by the arm.
“Who do you think you are trespassing into my room like this?”
Turning my face up, menacing grey eyes in a skeletal face bore down on me. I didn’t bother acting embarrassed- I wasn’t.
Her fragile figure was almost comical with its short spiky black hair in every direction.
“I take it then you’re the one Serena’s working with aside from Heather.”
Eyes narrowing, her hand was once again a vice around my arm marching me from her room. Stepping into the hallway conversations stopped, eyes stared as I assumed she was taking me straight to Serena. The onlookers probably assumed as well. Making us a path she steered me towards the backyard. I wondered if her highness would be waiting on a throne.
Chapter Seven
“Morgan, it’s so good to see you again. Thanks for fetching her Tessa, you’re such a help.”
Serena had black hair as well, hers styled in a high ponytail. The dress of choice was black leather with sky high stilettos giving her the exact look she was going for-naughty without a hint of nice.
Released from Tessa’s grip I immediately massaged the marks. This was it, the big showdown.
“Judging by your expression you’re burning with anger and questions- excellent. Oh look, Noah’s joined us.”
The crowd parted giving me the sight of Noah caught at the neck by Varian.
“You have us where you want us Serena, hurry this along.”
Raising her index finger she waved it back and forth.
“You won’t be giving any demands here. Be sure you remember that if you don’t want your precious Noah injured.
I felt my stomach roll. She meant it and I knew Varian would take sick satisfaction in dueling it out.
“By the way, where’s Heather stashed?” Noah asked sarcastically.
Eyes flicking to him she shrugged. “She’s exactly where I need her- out of the way.”
Whatever I thought Serena had planned just went from ridiculous to dangerous. There was a strong possibility she really wasn’t in her right mind. That she wasn’t in touch with reality. If that was true we were walking on eggshells.
“Don’t worry, Heather’s safe. I’ve brought you and Noah here tonight to teach you an important lesson. When you turn your backs on me you inevitably pay.”
Then I was correct in my earlier assumption. We were walking on eggshells.
“There’s no need to drag this out. She knows about the pentagram, about what we do,” Tessa said.
“I bet you’re curious about Tessa. I’ll tell you everything.”
I was interested but not in the way she was making it sound. Seeing as I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon…
“I’m sure you’re aware of why we’ve come back. Tessa’s the daughter of the man our father’s doing his business deal with. Being introduced I found we had “that” in common.”
Closing my eyes I focused on my breathing, one deep breath in, one deep breath out.
“I’m no expert in “that” but I do know of the dark and of the light. You know the former can have serious consequences. I cannot believe I’m saying this but…I don’t want “those” consequences for you.”
Her eyes widened a fraction. I wanted to believe I was getting through to her, this wasn’t a joke.
“Morgan you’re so…hilarious. Thinking, I would actually fall for that-pathetic.”
“This is dangerous and not at all amusing Serena. Please don’t do this.”
Letting out a weary sigh she shook her head. “Your pathetic plea aside, Tessa, let’s get started.”
I shot Noah a frantic look. His only response was a grimace. There was no helping her, she was too far gone. Bending to the ground she went to work on another pentagram, Tessa setting three of the four elements around it. Watching the expressions around us my eyes were glued to Varian’s. The one expression I thought never to associate with him and there it was- genuine fear.
“Hold on Serena. This is Wicca. I thought Morgan was joking.”
Standing she came within a breath of him. “Honestly brother you should know by now I never kid about revenge.”
Returning to her spell Varian went pale. I had the distinct feeling he was flipping through their past right then. Questioning when it was she’d truly believed in revenge against others.
Clasping hands they closed their eyes as they spoke the words of casting. The audience other than me, Noah and now Varian waited with baited breath for what was about to take place.
It was starting.
You could actually feel it as the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. Their voices rose and the wind picked up speed. Releasing Noah, Varian ran back into the house enabling me to run to Noah. I wanted to say something but the wind made it impossible. What felt like forever was in truth only seconds before everything became still. Watching they let go, Tessa stepping back, leaving Serena, head bent not moving. I felt the urge to run to her when it happened.
She picked her head up, her emerald eyes glazed over, staring. She smiled and her eyes rolled back her body lifting off from the ground.
Chaos ensued. All her guests started screaming and trampling one another to get away.
“Morgan we need to get the hell out of here-now.” Noah demanded.
Taking me by the arm I yanked away. “There’s no way I’m leaving her like this.”
“There’s nothing you can do for her now.”
I chose not to believe that. There had to be something.
“Morgan!”
Spinning Heather fell into my arms. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but she most definitely is not.”
“Morgan would you believe me if I told you I could fix this?”
Looking into her eyes I knew this was it. This was Serena’s blackmail.
“You’re into Wicca?”
“I never told you because I feared I’d lose you as a friend.
“Tell me you work on the side of light and that’ll guarantee our friendship.”
Hugging me fiercely she then got to hugging Noah. Picking up the forgotten chalk she set to work.
“Noah I’m going to need you to stand underneath her, Morgan please stand back.”
She worked quickly her spell vastly different than Serena’s and Tessa’s. Her spell gave you the feeling of weightlessness and peace. It was entirely good energy.
I turned my eyes up to Serena. I knew I’d feel awful if she were permanently damaged. Even though I tried to warn her the feeling of guilt would still consume me. Nothing happened and I wondered if Serena had cast a spell too strong for Heather. I saw it then, a faint blue light emanating around her. Heather’s spell was working!
As the spell took hold of Serena I looked back at Heather, exhaustion evident. The suspense was killing me. Slowly, ever so slowly every trace of magic was gone. Serena’s body fell into Noah’s arms. Laying her gently on the ground the three of us huddled around her.
“Is she going to be alright?” I asked.
“She’ll be fine, knocked out for a few days but fine.”
“Loves, never again are we to have contact with this crazy,” Noah said.
Epilogue
“Mom will you stop fussing everything looks fine, I’ve got everything.”
“I know you’ve got everything. I’m just stalling it’s what parents do when they’re not ready.”
I wrapped her in a hug. “You’re not ready but I have to do this, another part of growing up.”
Stepping away she took one more defeated look around. “I love you Morgan. You call if you need anything at all, I’ll answer.”
“You can count on it mom. I love you too and thank you for all of this.”
With a tearful goodbye she was gone.
Taking up my phone I scrolled down to Heather. After the incident with Serena she’d been completely forgiven. I supposed every girlfriend was entitled to her devious moment.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi there!
You had some pretty interesting ideas at the beginning, good interplay with the mother, but then I think things went a bit monotonous when Morgan went to the beach. More on that later. Here are a few specific nitpicks:
"defeat - this" Note the spaces. If there is no space, you are linking two words to make them one.
You need a comma between these words. Watch for places where commas should go, usually when you have a natural break in the sentences
Will get you what? The title of hero? Try and rephrase this sentence, maybe swapping the two sections.
I think you mean, "it had been a gratifying..." Since you are writing in past tense as we watch the narrator, you've got to indicate that the gratifying moment happened before this moment where she is on the bed.
A technical tip, since you have several chapters in one submission, I suggest you put the chapter titles in bold, or break it up somehow.
No need for the dash
Better phrased as "he clasped my hand"
The dialogue between Noah and Morgan seems stiff. Maybe it's because they address each other by name at the beginning of their speech, one after the other. But there is also a sense of formality which you wouldn't expect from best friends.
Usually plenty of dialogue is a good thing, but you have weighed too much to the dialogue side and there is not much description in between to ground us into the scene. It reads mostly like the script of a play than a story.
The pacing of the story is slow, in the sense that nothing is at stake even by the 3rd chapter. This can cause readers to put your book down if they don't think any problems are going to confront your characters. You may argue that there is conflict with the powerful parents of the best friend, but that is not what is happening. What is happening is a chat on the beach, which doesn't make for compelling reading. Start your story at a time and place where we can see these conflicts play out live on the page rather than something being discussed later on after they occur. All the characters sound the same and need their own unique voices, as well as conflicts which are shown in the scenes you choose to write. Make something happen. Think how most movies that show conversations about something that already happened are less interesting than BOOM, a bomb goes off. You feel like you were there. Write your story with that in mind.
Good luck
Hello. So this is a pretty long piece. The first thing I'm going to say is that you should probably have split it up into sections. It looks kind of intimidating.
I like the beginning. I like the tone Morgan has with her mother. She's very sarcastic but it seems like she doesn't like her mother very much. I hope you reveal that later in this short. (I'm reviewing as I read).
You're missing a bunch of commas. It should look like this:
"Shoveling in the last of my breakfast, I scurry over to the sink. Please not the speech, anything but the speech. I got one when I turned thirteen and again at sixteen. You need to understand that my emotions and I aren't the best of friends and crying in front of anyone is simply mortifying for me. I’d rather stick my head in the sand. Brushing at my face, I collected my dignity before facing her again."
In the paragraphs where Morgan calls Noah, they call eachother "love" way too much. It doesn't read right. Also, I got confused as to who was speaking. Otherwise the whole exchange was pretty interesting.
PLOT TWIST! I thought this was going to be a cliche "girl falls in love with best friend" kind of thing. I guess not. XD
Oh and if this is a short story, there shouldn't be chapters. There could be parts which you can separate by lines, but never chapters.
Reading through this, I'm not seeing many more mistakes. None I feel like fixing, anyway.
You mean psychology?
Your should be You're. As in you are fine.
I was really confused here. I wasn't sure who was in contact with Serena. Was it Megan, Heather or Noah? I thought it was Heather but I think you need to clarify.
I liked this part but there were a few minor mistakes. "She had to of known the outcome" of should be have. Also "Seeing me they wore similar expressions of confusion" There should be a comma between "Seeing" and "me"
Again with the comma. "My mother wasn't aggravated, she was livid."
This whole exchange was just...
Her mother isn't the kind of person to have this convo with Megan. I'm sorry. I could picture Noah and Megan having this convo, but not Megan and her mom.
The rest is full of minor mistakes like this. Since it's a review day, I don't really have much time. I think it would benefit you to read through and add commas and fix spelling mistakes here and there.
Other than what I pointed out, this was pretty good. It reminded me of Gossip Girl, the TV show. Idk. Anyway, Happy Writing!
XOXO,
Gravity
Hey there!
First off, excellent job in getting over 6,000 words down on paper! It can be a tough milestone to hit. By now, I'm sure you're starting to hit what most writers call "the wall" - a time in which plots seem dry and the novel seems pointless. Keep going, you've got talent and a story that has potential.
Some background. I'm a professional editor. I do this kind of work for a job.You're most likely going to be a little shocked to see the amount of edits on your first couple of pages. That's OK. I promise you that professional authors are seeing the same amount on their drafts.
I joined this site to find writers like you - young authors who have potential. Authors that, with a little editing and time, can become powerful and influential novelists. Your story and your writing skills have great potential!
I've edited only the first few pages of your writing and posted through Google Docs. Don't feel like I'm being overly harsh - this is how editing works in the professional world and any feelings of cold-heartedness on my part are only perceived and do not reflect how I feel about your writing. All editors want to do their job well, and our jobs are to help you become the best writers you can.
Let me know if you'd like me to continue editing this writing and good luck!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-Lc ... 1prS8/edit