When Drake woke up next, the sun was shining through the holes in the roof. With that information, Drake knew that it must be later than 10am. When he looked across the room, he saw that Mitchells bed was empty. Drake got up, yawned and rubbed his eyes. He got dressed quickly, and then went to grab his sword. In the spot of his sword, he found not his sword, but a note. "Drake, do not be alarmed that your sword is gone. I took it to let the scientists look at it to determine if there was any special powers in it that could be unlocked." Mitchell was always asking for his sword, but this time he had gone too far. Drake left his room and went to the lab. Sure enough, Mitchell was in there. He was not alone though, as he was accompanied by Vanessa and a few scientists. Mittchell was not showing off the sword to them though, it was lying on a table with everyone bent over it. The scientists kept hooking up different machines to it, and each one printed off a summary. The group looked happier and happier as each reading came out. This went on for half an hour before Drake coughed, alerting everybody to his presence.
Now, be honest. If you liked it, tell me. If you didn't, tell me. If you think there should be something changed, tell me. I do not care if you don't like it, but only because I want to learn how to please everybody.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well I will start off by saying, even if this piece here happens to be extremely small, it could really benefit from being split up into at least two paragraphs here because it does happen to be ever so slightly long enough that its causing a few problems here in term of the flow of this piece, especially towards the middle section.
Now besides that issue, this is an intriguing opening, I will certainly give it that. It definitely manages to catch our attention at any rate when it comes to what's immediately going on here. Since its not quite specified where in the book this passage is supposed to be from, its hard to fully judge it but this piece does get our attention as readers.
I think the plot here is intriguing too. Some parts of this are a little too out of the context they should be in to fully make sense but its got enough context that this can be classed as mysterious as opposed to vague or confusing and I think that's a pretty good thing here. You've got a pretty decent scene going here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I moved this in Original Fiction because dude! You want to get critiques on this, don't you?
First of all, don't worry about pleasing everybody. You want to make something interesting to you.
To make this a little more mouth-watering and pleasing to you, you're going to want to describe a little bit more. What do the people do and say? Don't worry about being too specific... you probably know what's happening (it's in your head) and you don't have to worry about it. And don't worry about your readers getting lost... if you know where you are, chances are, they will too.
So yeah. It needs some tweaking and everything, and you need to expand the beginning, but it's okay.
I think you need to be more descriptive. It's just kind of "he did this, and they did that, and then they went here, and did that". You go through so much time in this one little paragraph that it almost seems pointless to write it at all. Going through your piece, I don't really see one descriptive word.
This sentence was a little bit confusing the first time I read it. I reread it, and managed to understand it...but it throws off the flow to have one confusing sentence.
The repetition of 'though' here, two sentences, one after another doesn't sound right.
I think that maybe you had an idea and it just wrote down where you wanted to go with it, but didn't really put any thought into it. It's almost like an outline. You have to include something that is going to make the reader want to keep reading it--description is key.