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November

by atr99


your patience with my heart
kept the snow away from Iowa this month
and everything is still warm.
the rains haven’t slowed in Cheshire yet—
maybe my voice travels further
in poems
and maybe now I’ll control the weather
the way you somehow can.
if you could, darling,
would you keep the cerise leaflets on the ground?
I picked a pale yellow bunch
on the day I told my parents about you,
but red
will always be my favorite autumn hue—
a color full and finished.
November
if you listen,
it’s spoken in the trees.


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24 Reviews


Points: 113
Reviews: 24

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Thu Feb 23, 2017 10:15 pm
RossLighting wrote a review...



This was a really sweet poem. I loved it! It was smooth, and fitted together, and was nicely done. How did you come up with this? It didn't rhyme, but that was ok, as it would of been harder for you to make it rhyme, and I think its probably better without the rhyming. So in short, this is a really good poem. Keep making them!




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1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

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Thu Feb 23, 2017 1:14 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review!

So I reviewed your other poem and decided I'd stop by again. I found it to be interesting that you gave this to your significant other, but it does make sense. I'll try to tread on it a bit more lightly since it's sentimental. Delving right into the content of the poem, the first three lines are somewhat a strong start. The third line is rather awkward in its wording and I suggest playing around with it so that the third line has a stronger impact. The first two are fine, though I don't really know what patience would have to do with it--which is something that confused me.

I'm supposing that the other person in the poem wasn't trying to rush anything and I thought of that game where you put an egg or something else on a spoon and try to carry it across a distance without dropping it, an analogy I might use later on because it's an interesting image, but enough sidetracking. The second line is also something that I'd consider changing since the 'this month' at the end of it feels a little bit awkward. Moving on from that, the fourth line works better if you just put 'rain' instead of rains and the structure of the line is a little odd. I think changing it to 'the rain hasn't slowed in Chesire yet--' or 'the rain in Chesire hasn't slowed yet--'.

Generally, I think changing it would make the line have more impact. After the set of dashes in the fourth line, you kind of sidetrack off from what you were previously talking about. You go on to talk about poetry and then the weather again, but the four lines after the fourth line all feel like they're dragging on too long and the part about poetry feels out of place. I'm not saying you can't have it in the poem, but I suggest rewording and reworking that part of the poem. If you don't know which ones I'm talking about exactly, I'm referring to these ones:

maybe my voice travels further
in poems
and maybe now I’ll control the weather
the way you somehow can.


These two lines were a little confusing to me:
if you could, darling,
would you keep the cerise leaflets on the ground?


And this is because you previously state that they can somehow control the weather, but then you say 'if you could'. It's just something minor I figured I'd point out. The imagery in the second line here is strong, and I enjoyed it.

I picked a pale yellow bunch
on the day I told my parents about you,
but red
will always be my favorite autumn hue—
a color full and finished.


I'm going to group these next five lines together since they seem to fit in that way. I wanted to suggest swapping the first and second line for better flow, though it really depends on your preference since it's not a large problem. The third through the fifth line all feel a little bit awkward in their wording. Instead of having a comma, a period would work better after the second line because with the comma it feels like you're continuing something, but you aren't really. I liked how you described it as 'full and finished' simply for the fact that it is one of the last colors you start to see in leaves other than brown, though I don't know if that's what you meant by it.

November
if you listen,
it’s spoken in the trees.


I wanted more of an ending. I enjoy the ending, and I think you're onto something with this poem, but I wanted to know how it was spoken. Give us more sensory detail here. Is it being croaked by birds or some other animal? More detail is something that would be beneficial here, but other than that, it doesn't have any problems regarding flow. Overall, the poem works for what it is but your Achille's heel seems to be wording and flow, which is what I suggest you focus on if you decide to edit this.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!




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21 Reviews


Points: 517
Reviews: 21

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Tue Feb 21, 2017 11:58 pm



Awesome poem! I really enjoyed reading it! I especially enjoyed the seventh line, it gave off a slight mysterious mood ;)





Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl