the highway is clogged
because a truck stalled within
the intersection
car horns are blaring
filling the air with noise that
is heard miles away
-
the last time we spoke
my thoughts were a traffic jam
my eyes red stop lights
you speed through the streets
the treads on your tires fade
and your headlights crack
my rib cage hugs my heart like an airbag
protecting me from your bitter words as I wave a white flag
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hello, greetings, salutations, good morning, goodnight, good evening and good afternoon as well as many other pleasant greetings that I don't have time for as I am here to review this. Anyway, Wolf, here.
I love how vividly you are able to paint a photo in my mind with your words. The last two lines especially hit really hard. They are beautiful. Such a creative work to, it starts off simple and then gets deeper and deeper as it goes on.
This one is great. There's a lot of imagery. It relates to life and that's really nice. It isn't just words, neither is it complete imagery. I like that you've blended them together so well, relating to the other.
Striking imagery in this, especially that last chunk! The metaphor really works, nice poem Atlas.
YES GET IT! Anyways, that was AWESOME!!!
I love the different themes of the intersection and feelings that the protagonist felt. It worked really well and brought a whole new meaning to the poem. It was FANTASTICO...
"the highway is clogged
because a truck stalled within
the intersection"
This part is great! It sets the mood right ; it is a great start in this stanza as the reader can imagine what it looks like for this person before the feelings and deeper thoughts you bring out.
"the last time we spoke
my thoughts were a traffic jam"
This bit suddenly introduces the emotions which I like a lot. It sets the scene visually in this person's mind and gives the reader more to look at other than a traffic jam.
"you speed through the streets
the treads on your tires fade
and your headlights crack"
This is also great! It makes the reader question what happened prior to these thoughts and feelings the protagonist is feeling at this current scene in time. It really brings life to the poem, however a lingering thought that this story hasn't got a happy ending!
The only thing is, I NEED MORE! It is amazing so far but it just seems unfinished, there could be more about the person's emotions and thought process in this piece and maybe even more about the traffic itself (I mean, that's what it's called right?) so that's my only critic.
It is really good tho! For sure, I just need more as it seems a bit suddenly ended for me.
Stay safe and keep writing,
Love Rubes x