z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



moving day

by atlast


the floorboards creak your name as i pad down the stairs.
i try to forget the last words you said to me,
but they line my brain
like the cardboard boxes that hold your things
line my floors.

the u-haul driver honks the horn of his truck,
ripping me from the memories that float in the dust.
i trace your name, coating my finger with grey,
and walk over to the first box

we're nine years old, rolling down a grassy hill
as green stains paint our t-shirts
and we giggle in the sun.
later, lemonade drips down our puckering faces
and our skin glows red
from the hours of making memories

that night, i toss and turn,
my scraped knees stinging against the sheets of my bed.
i am unaware that tomorrow was a promise
that you were never able to keep.

my bones scream as i lift
countless boxes full of memories.
tears stream down the hills that are cheeks
and the driver of the truck that will carry you away
makes a funny face.

we are eighteen years old, shouting at each other
and hurling insults at each other's feet.
our days are no longer filled with grassy hills
and lemonade
but the words you say to me
will scar much longer than my knees.

that night, i toss and turn,
my battered heart fighting against
the hug of my rib cage.
i do not understand why you decided
you no longer wanted to share a tomorrow.

as the sun sets, i crawl under my sheets.
the crackle of the gravel under the u-haul's tires
echoes in my mind, mingling with the sound
of your nearly forgotten laughter.

my body curls into a question mark
and i brush my fingertips over the scars on my kneecaps.
despite the protest between my lungs,
a wistful smile splits my face in two and i whisper,

"see you tomorrow."


Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
58 Reviews

Points: 226
Reviews: 58

Donate
Fri May 07, 2021 6:05 pm
YourFriendQuirks08 wrote a review...



Heya, Rubes here with a short review!


"the floorboards creak your name as i pad down the stairs.
i try to forget the last words you said to me,
but they line my brain"


This bit is so amazing ; I know the feeling of missing someone. You can't remove them from your thoughts, they haunt every normal aspect of daily life. You begin to think of them even with creaks in the stairs or other things.


"and we giggle in the sun.
later, lemonade drips down our puckering faces
and our skin glows red"


When you are young, you never understand the fact that you will never see some people again. You really bring this out in these few lines and it has a great effect.


"and hurling insults at each other's feet.
our days are no longer filled with grassy hills
and lemonade"


The best friendships are the ones that you can throw proper insults at each other and not get offended. I don't know if you intended for this, but the at each other's feet tell me that it doesn't get to your head and that it's a laugh. Very clever move there!

There is more but I don't wanna bore you with the same lines. Great here, amazing there!
Overall it was an amazing piece, well done.

Stay safe and keep writing,
Love Rubes x




Random avatar

Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu May 06, 2021 5:03 am
ramenaissance says...



The imagery in your poem was amazing. I also loved the idea of using two columns, for me it felt like a conversation within oneself. Although, there are parts (mostly from the scenes depicting the "past") where I think better words and construction could've been chosen. It made me reminisce about things from the past that I had long forgotten. It found old emotions and experiences that I can only dream of living through again. It made me miss my childhood. Or, perhaps, my childhood best friend. Looking back at all the silly things we did together I can't help but wish to turn back time and do it all again.




atlast says...


Hi ramenaissance! Thank you so much for the comment! Could you elaborate on what you mean by %u201CI think better words could%u2019ve been chosen?%u201D I%u2019d love to hear your suggestions!



User avatar
58 Reviews

Points: 4112
Reviews: 58

Donate
Wed May 05, 2021 6:34 pm
View Likes
quitecontrary wrote a review...



the u-haul driver honks the horn of his truck,
ripping me from the memories that float in the dust.
This line immediately hooked me in! "Memories that float in the dust" has such a lingering feel to it, and the imagery definitely resonated with me. In the first two stanzas, you repeat sensing the second person's name, and I think it might show more of the other person if instead you hear their exhausted breaths or some other sound in the floorboard's creak instead of their name. Name imagery can be very powerful, but in an everyday sound like floorboard creaking I think a more repetitive action/sound would make more sense. If you spend a lot of time with someone, you probably hear certain rhythms and link them to that person, and in a poem something more basic and natural might better portray the relationship as how you know it(stronger/give-and-take/slightly parasitic.)

from the hours of making memories
I really like this imagery because it's so reflective; in the moment you aren't thinking about making memories, but it's obvious that looking back that what you were doing. The only critique I have is you might want to change "make" into a more powerful verb(mix/construct etc.)

i am unaware that tomorrow was a promise
that you were never able to keep.
This might just be me, but I don't really like the use of present tense here("i am unaware"). It almost has second-person vibes, and it feels unnatural to me. *insert THATS MY OPINION gif*

my bones scream as i lift
countless boxes full of memories.
tears stream down the hills that are cheeks
and the driver of the truck that will carry you away
makes a funny face.
This is the first place I get an idea that the second person in the poem might be dead(the "see you tomorrow" is the second because it seems so ironically impossible). It might be more powerful if you linked the "tears...hills" part more clearly back to the "rolling down a grassy hill". Something like "twin tears roll down the hills that are (my) cheeks".
I don't really like "my bones scream", just because the imagery you used so far has been very gentle and quiet. I think something like "ache" would work better.

our days are no longer filled with grassy hills
and lemonade
I'm not totally on board with this repeat imagery, but I think if you just introduced the imagery a little differently, like expounding on "grassy hills" and "lemonade", it would work better. This would be a really great place to change the gentle imagery into the rougher/heart-wrenching sort because the repeated words are familiar, but adding falling/tumbling instead of rolling would make the fall seem more treacherous.

i do not understand why you decided
you no longer wanted to share a tomorrow.
Same thing as earlier, the change in voice doesn't work well for me. The continual present-tense makes it seem like the narrator still doesn't understand/is still in that same childish mindset, and I really want the narrator to move forward into understanding. Of course, if that's not what you intend for this poem, then you don't have to change it.

I have no critique for the last stanzas, because they fit your style/voice perfectly. Overall, the biggest thing that stays with me is that your word choice is kind of flat. It gives the poem a very depressed feeling while reading it. (What I mean by flat is that the gentle imagery you use is canceled out by repetition and the unfitting strong descriptive words that I mentioned above). I really do like the idea and a lot of the presentation, I just think that a few misplaced words ruined the overall imagery for me. I feel like I'm being very harsh, but I really just want to help you grow this poem even more. I hope this is helpful!

Happy Writing! (:




Random avatar

Points: 10954
Reviews: 67

Donate
Wed May 05, 2021 5:51 pm
deleted32 wrote a review...



Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.

i try to forget the last words you said to me,
but they line my brain
like the cardboard boxes that hold your things
line my floors.

Perfect simile right there <33
that night, i toss and turn,
my scraped knees stinging against the sheets of my bed.
i am unaware that tomorrow was a promise
that you were never able to keep.

The flow here seems off to me for some reason? I'd rewrite it this way:
that night, i toss and turn,
my scraped knees stinging against the bed sheets,
unaware that tomorrow was a promise
you were never able to keep.

But it's fine either way, and it's your poem so you can leave it as is. Just throwing that out there ^^
our days are no longer filled with grassy hills
and lemonade
but the words you say to me
will scar much longer than my knees.

Oooh looove how this ties back into the previous italicized set of stanzas.
'our days are no longer filled with grassy hills
and lemonade
but the words you say to me
will scar much longer then my knees'
That is such a painfully nostalgic line and I adore it <333
that night, i toss and turn,
my battered heart fighting against
the hug of my rib cage.
i do not understand why you decided
you no longer wanted to share a tomorrow.

I'm starting to get the impression that this is also about growing up, and realizing that friends can betray you, hurt you, that not everyone wants the best for you.
Either way...I felt those lines <33

and i brush my fingertips over the scars on my kneecaps.
despite the protest between my lungs,
a wistful smile splits my face in two and i whisper,

"see you tomorrow.

Ahhhh you can really feel the longing here. You did an amazing job of conveying the emotion. This poem was overall an impactful read which is impressive.
I hope this review helped in someway <33
-Ashlyn





I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci