Any comments welcome, especially on things that confuse you! This is the second part of my first chapter. Enjoy!
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[EDIT: compleatly re-done]
Friggin heck! I jumped, suddenly contempt on finding out what the band was doing around my wrist. I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage. As I moved my arm, the sting subsided. And I finally saw the thing that was causing me pain.
Clasped onto my wrist was a tight bangle, as I had found out earlier. I propped myself up on my left elbow, and held my right as close as I could get it to my face, without blocking all of the light. It wasn’t really a bangle, just a thick strip of stainless steal wound tightly around my arm. Dropping myself carefully, I tore that the trinket, prying it up a couple of millimeters or so, until I could just see the underside of the jewelry. Gasping in terror at what I saw, I reflected on how right it all seemed.
A thin needle was embedded in the bracelet, presently jabbing out a big enough distance to reach my major arteries. Right where the spike would make contact was an open wound that bled surprisingly little. The small amount that had managed to escape my bloodstream didn’t make it much further; the tight presence of the bracelet had acted as a plaster, the blood caking in thin layers in between my skin and the band.
Sick of looking at my own injury, I turned my wrist to examine the other side, where a watch-face would sit. Scratched onto the upturned side was the word “K-13”
K? What does it mean? Is it some clue to my name, my past?
Could ‘K’ be one of my initials? Am I thirteen years old? I thought the phrase over and over, silently shouting them in the deep crevasse that was my mind. I intended on getting an answer, if not, then I didn’t know what I would do, but it wouldn’t be pretty. Despite my tireless outcry, there was no reply, my mysterious hitchhiker was not about to reveal the mysteries of my life, or what I could remember of it anyway.
Tears started to well up in my throat, creating a lump that caused me to gasp for breath in long, childish sobs. After the tears ran out, I returned to my mental list of questions.
The real query that I was faced with now was how to get the band off; I surely couldn’t have it stabbing me again, with who knows what could be on the needle point.
Who would inject themselves on a regular basis, even if the needle had nothing in it? After hours of being stuck on either my stomach or back in a small tube, I was tired, especially after the crawl up the slanted pipe. I was so close to freedom, only to be pounded with more confusing facts; it was unbearable. I was tired of being cramped in a mangy old pipe, I was tired of not knowing who I was, and I was tired of having my mysterious hitchhiker point out instructions, without telling me why.
In one desperate movement, I tore at the band and fought desperately to destroy it. My hard work was to no avail, and I eventually renounced my efforts, after what seemed like an hour.
I flipped onto my front and crawled backwards again till I was ready to drop, and then fought to catch my breath from the arduous climb in the now sweltering heat.
I lay there, basking in the bright light of outside, warring inside myself, asking for answers and picking theories to threads, feeling distraught and drained from my futile attempts at the truth.
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole. Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first. Just as my covered feet were reaching open air, I heard her voice again.
‘Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all.’
You again? Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my head?‘Shut up and listen!’ I zipped my mouth shut, and strained my ears, doing as my mysterious hitchhiker was asking, knowing that it was for the better, but retaliating as much as I could bear.
Fine, but can you do something for me? You know; something like telling me what the hell is going on?
No reply came, so I concentrated even harder.
No sooner had I started to focus, did the voices appeared, muffled only slightly by the short length of piping.
I listened intently for what could have been either seconds or hours, as I was too pre-occupied by the conversation to be aware of anything else.
Delighted immensely by what I heard, I relaxed my muscles, which were cramping from my long time in such harsh conditions. Just as the voices seemed to fade away, the bracelet injected its hard stinger into me once more.
“Shit,” I mumbled to myself, as I wriggled my hand around to pull the blasted thing out. I cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead. My wincing got worse as the needle stayed in the flesh, and I gasped in terror as it let go, breathing heavily to regain full oxygen flow.
‘Oh no, you've done it now.’
Go away! I thought back, immediately marveling at the way I clenched my teeth, as if speaking out loud. The exchange lasted barely a second, but the time the stinger was in seemed like ages.
“Hey, what was that?” Came a male voice filled with surprise.
My heart started to thud loudly in my chest. I prayed to god that the confused men would not be able to hear its' reverberations through the construction pipe. Nobody took any notice of their friends’ query, and the crunching of footsteps resumed. Not put off by his friends’ insolence, he tried again
“Up there, I thought I heard some banging!” I could almost hear the whistle as his hand pointed up to my hideout.
‘Stay still!’
Nah, I’m just gonna waltz on out there and tell them the whole story! I retorted back, discouraged by the disbelief of her non-existent voice.
No reply.
What is the whole story? What am I? You know… don’t you? I asked, consulting her, sure that they could finally put my questioning at rest.
‘It’s not what you think it is, just shut up, and stop moving around.’
So I’m not a lab rat, or an escaped convict?
Nothing.
“It’s just a raccoon or something, hurry up” I nearly jumped at the reply, but a part of me was still paying attention, and that shrunk the movement down immensely.
Once again the footsteps resumed, and I counted my blessings.
‘Wait for a while and the ease yourself out.’
Getting tired of my internal friend’s instructions, but knowing that there was no use in rebuttal, I silently bide my time, counting down from a hundred, stringing my last threads of patience up on the line.
Can I come out now? I thought through gritted teeth once again, frightened that I might be going mad.
I’ll take your silence as a yes! I continued with a delighted tone.
I wriggled my way out of the passage, hung in mid air for a second, took a deep breath and let go of the metal rim.
‘Roll on impact!’
[Thank you for reviewing!]
End of chapter
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Hi! I have re-edited the chapter segment, and it is now changed... Thanks for the reviews!
Haha, Lol,, she is an enhanced human... or something of the like. Thanks dfor the reviews!
Here as requested!
So, did she take it off or something? "Tossed" implies that it's being thrown in the air. I would suggest re-writing this, making it more obvious to readers that she did not take the bracelet off.
Fractions can be good or bad in a story. In this case, since you say she only notices the thin plate in the bracelet later, I would suggest getting rid of the fractions and replacing it with something more vague, such as "most of the bracelet was...."
Replace the comma with a semicolon
"You're" switches this to second person. I would re-work this to get rid of the "you're"
You're contradicting yourself here. First you say that she can look outside, and then you say that she needs to go feet first because she doesn't have the room to move around. Pick which direction she is facing, please.
Italicize this, since it's not her speaking. If you want to make it clear that it's not her plain old thoughts, put the Voice's words in quotes (single or double, it doesn't matter).
When dealing with mind-speak, you need to make things clear who is talking, since most of the time there aren't that many actions to go with it. Since only the first bit of this is italicized, we loose track of what is going on.
I don't know, but if I had a needle suddenly jab me in the wrist I would probably yell. Either give us a very good explanation for her rather non-pulsed reaction, or re-work this so she feels a bit more pain.
"Loud" instead of "load."
I don't know how much I like "insolence" in this case. We haven't really be shown or told why them ignoring him would be insolence.
You've contradicted yourself again here. How can she see outside if there is no room to move and her feet are facing the opening?
Who is this voice? First you refer to it as "her" and later in the sentence you call the voice "they," as if it were more then one person.
"And" is used twice in three words. It's always a good idea to spread similar words out so that things are less confusing.
~~~
Apostrophes- In some places you have incorrect apostrophes. Here is a good article on them. Read the article and then go through this (preferably backwards so you're looking at the words, not the story) to clean them up.
Mind-speak- I like that you're using it, but at the same time it can make things confusing. Something I do when using mind-speak is to have the other person's thoughts/'dialogue' in either single quotes ( ' ' ) or double quotes if you so prefer ( " " ). As for the Voice in itself, I liked it. It's got a quirky nature to it that I'm sure will become interesting.
Character- Like Sakura said before me, I'm convinced your character isn't human. Not just because of her amazingly high pain tolerance, but also because she just climbed, backwards and without hand-holes, at least 100 feet without gasping for breath.
Another reason I don't think she's human (or at least, a non-enhanced human) is that she analizes every measurement perfectly. This can be a great foreshadowing technique, but at the same time, it can be easy to overdo it. Be careful that you're not making her so precise that she's a robot. It would be a little more believable later on, perhaps when she hasn't just recovered from getting hit on the head, but for now, make her predictions a little more vague.
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Here as requested!
How come they can see all of a sudden?
Why do they keep looking at their wrist or refusing to look at it?
Why don't they just gasp/scream? It's a normal human reflex and they are alone in a tunnel.
Uhmmm, this isn't really an answer. The bracelet was causing a sharp, stabbing pain? And your character is just like, "Oh! It must be the bracelet! That's totally normal!" It doesn't explain anything to the reader.
This should be two sentences.
"Four fifths of the way around was a silver chain, interlinking circles that made an unbreakable shackle. This made me briefly remember the comment..."
Alright... most of the other reviewers have gotten the nitpicks (you posted this in a million Will Review for Food threads at the same time, so all your review are basically gonna be the same
The biggest problems you have are
The Mysterious Voice
I do not understand this at all. When "Voice" talks try to put in italics. I have no idea when the character is thinking or if it is the Voice.
Writing Style
You have a good vocabulary, but you don't have to stuff in "big words" to sound intelligent. In fact, it makes you sound like your trying to hard.
Orson Scott Card once said:
"It isn't the words you use... it's how you use them."
Basically, it is more important to write your words in a good context/order than use complex ones and sound like a fool (no that you do!)
Emotion!
I'm convinced your character isn't human.
They aren't scared in the list bit or confused by the voice. Give them some feelings!
Hope this helped,
Sakura
Guess who’s back?
Yup. Me.
Wooo ^^
Here it goes:
Why italics?
Bottle? Do you mean battle?
How would that cause pain? You say it as though it explains everything, but really – it doesn’t. Have your character be confused about this sooner. Yes, you do go on to describe the reasons for the pain, but in my opinion there is too much space between her discovering the bracelet, and things falling into place for the reader.
Not too fond of “absentmindedly wondered”, nor do I think “before they had a chance to prosper” is ideal description, to be honest.
If the characters feet are at the entrance, how can your MC see anything other than the pipe? Unless your MC is folded in half, this doesn’t work.
Aside from that; same comments as last time. Sometimes you’re simply “very” delighted, not “immensely”. You are not a thesaurus
Next up, chapter two ^^
Obviously I’m still interested in reading on, which is a good thing! Good job on keeping the reader interested, dear.
XxxDo
Okey dokey! So, This was better than the first part. Much less confusing, with the voice. However, you definately need to make sure that the mysterious voice in his head is in italics, and that the reader can easily tell it's in his head. When she first pops up, I'd suggest commenting on how the voice is female, otherwise the natural assumption is that it's male. Ya?
Off to chapter Two!
~Evi
Haha. LOL. Sorry about tht, the body she saw was herself, and that's all she saw... I'll fix that up. Thx for the review Nutty, I always get good ones from you!
Actually, he never wondered what it was. When something causes you pain, you find what it is before you do anything else, correct? Unless you are in some a dire circumstance, you'll stop and check. And because he was waking up, it wasn't as if he had a better thing to do. So he should have found this in the last part, when it first hurt.
o.o.... I've never heard it be called that before. Just say your little toe, please. I don't even like seeing 'pinkie finger' in writing.
Have you ever worn a loose bracelet? He could merely flip it over, so the needle thing was sticking out, then shove it further up his arm to make it tighter so it wouldn't move as much. It's what I do if I have the misfortune of being made to wear jewelery and it's dangling into whatever I'm trying to do. Also, the needle, when his hand was by his side, would hang downwards, along the skin. No problem.
Usually, trying to destroy something, you don't do it in 'one refined movement', unless you are used to destroying the type of object and have a practiced method. And acting in desperation is nearly never refined.
I thought.... wait, let me check....
There! in the last part you said that outside lead to a body. Now it's a construction site? I'm confused!
Take the instantaneously out. It's forced and doesn't make a whole lotta sense XD
0.0 I thought he was pulling the mickey... how could you even answer that? Everything is all the matter, energy, ideas, knowledge, and as yet undiscovered substances that exist....? Be more specific.
'Jumping' in this context is involuntary, you can't suppress it.
Overall, this is interesting, if very confusing. I'm not sure what's going on, and information from this part seems to contradict information from the last. Not good.
But, clearing this up a little, this could work. Just be careful not to have these parts too disjointed- you want each to flow into the next, until you come to the end of a chapter or section.
Hey, thanks Pippiedooda, I have modified the story, and the thoughts that weren't in italics i forgot to do when I copy pasted it into the box, but thanks for pointing all of that stuff out. ^.^
Hi, I'm liking this part too!
The pace is good and I'm definetly intrigued as to what is going on- I've got a couple of comments on possible improvement:
I was a bit confused as I thought the character was in a pipe so how are they basking in light from outside?
I think you should put the speech into italics as you have the rest of the conversation that follows.
I'm not sure if you can stop in your tracks unless your walking, and I think you should replace in the bare flesh with something like 'the needle stayed lodged in my flesh' as it sounds like the bare flesh is not a part of the character.
Though should be thought and load should be loud. I'm not too sure on the last sentence as well, I think it could be altered to flow easier if it said something like ' but due to the stinger it seemed like ages'.
Preyed should be prayed and I don't think accusations is the best word to describe what the man is saying as he is asking a question. Perhaps comment or query would be better?
As the character is answering with sarcasm to me awestruck doesn't sound right. Irritated or annoyed would fit better with the characters reaction.
The should be then and bode doesn't sound right to me. I'm not too keen on the last metaphor either- that might just be me though.
Overall I enjoyed this part, some of the story can seem a bit confusing so I would work on making it clearer to the reader what is actually going on at each point. I think its an original beginning and I definitely want to find out more! All my comments are just suggestions, I like what you've done so far
Thank you, fixed up what you said. Reviews still open
Here is your review! It's a little confusing, but well written. I will read the next parts of your story when you post them up.
Yeah, a comma.
Spaces are your friends. But I know that's just a typo.
Confusing on who is talking. And what did she take as a yes?
Hello, can someone please review this???!? I'm getting desperate!