Hi! I have re-edited the chapter segment, and it is now changed... Thanks for the reviews!
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Any comments welcome, especially on things that confuse you! This is the second part of my first chapter. Enjoy!
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[EDIT: compleatly re-done]
Friggin heck! I jumped, suddenly contempt on finding out what the band was doing around my wrist. I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage. As I moved my arm, the sting subsided. And I finally saw the thing that was causing me pain.
Clasped onto my wrist was a tight bangle, as I had found out earlier. I propped myself up on my left elbow, and held my right as close as I could get it to my face, without blocking all of the light. It wasn’t really a bangle, just a thick strip of stainless steal wound tightly around my arm. Dropping myself carefully, I tore that the trinket, prying it up a couple of millimeters or so, until I could just see the underside of the jewelry. Gasping in terror at what I saw, I reflected on how right it all seemed.
A thin needle was embedded in the bracelet, presently jabbing out a big enough distance to reach my major arteries. Right where the spike would make contact was an open wound that bled surprisingly little. The small amount that had managed to escape my bloodstream didn’t make it much further; the tight presence of the bracelet had acted as a plaster, the blood caking in thin layers in between my skin and the band.
Sick of looking at my own injury, I turned my wrist to examine the other side, where a watch-face would sit. Scratched onto the upturned side was the word “K-13”
K? What does it mean? Is it some clue to my name, my past?
Could ‘K’ be one of my initials? Am I thirteen years old? I thought the phrase over and over, silently shouting them in the deep crevasse that was my mind. I intended on getting an answer, if not, then I didn’t know what I would do, but it wouldn’t be pretty. Despite my tireless outcry, there was no reply, my mysterious hitchhiker was not about to reveal the mysteries of my life, or what I could remember of it anyway.
Tears started to well up in my throat, creating a lump that caused me to gasp for breath in long, childish sobs. After the tears ran out, I returned to my mental list of questions.
The real query that I was faced with now was how to get the band off; I surely couldn’t have it stabbing me again, with who knows what could be on the needle point.
Who would inject themselves on a regular basis, even if the needle had nothing in it? After hours of being stuck on either my stomach or back in a small tube, I was tired, especially after the crawl up the slanted pipe. I was so close to freedom, only to be pounded with more confusing facts; it was unbearable. I was tired of being cramped in a mangy old pipe, I was tired of not knowing who I was, and I was tired of having my mysterious hitchhiker point out instructions, without telling me why.
In one desperate movement, I tore at the band and fought desperately to destroy it. My hard work was to no avail, and I eventually renounced my efforts, after what seemed like an hour.
I flipped onto my front and crawled backwards again till I was ready to drop, and then fought to catch my breath from the arduous climb in the now sweltering heat.
I lay there, basking in the bright light of outside, warring inside myself, asking for answers and picking theories to threads, feeling distraught and drained from my futile attempts at the truth.
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole. Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first. Just as my covered feet were reaching open air, I heard her voice again.
‘Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all.’
You again? Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my head?‘Shut up and listen!’ I zipped my mouth shut, and strained my ears, doing as my mysterious hitchhiker was asking, knowing that it was for the better, but retaliating as much as I could bear.
Fine, but can you do something for me? You know; something like telling me what the hell is going on?
No reply came, so I concentrated even harder.
No sooner had I started to focus, did the voices appeared, muffled only slightly by the short length of piping.
I listened intently for what could have been either seconds or hours, as I was too pre-occupied by the conversation to be aware of anything else.
Delighted immensely by what I heard, I relaxed my muscles, which were cramping from my long time in such harsh conditions. Just as the voices seemed to fade away, the bracelet injected its hard stinger into me once more.
“Shit,” I mumbled to myself, as I wriggled my hand around to pull the blasted thing out. I cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead. My wincing got worse as the needle stayed in the flesh, and I gasped in terror as it let go, breathing heavily to regain full oxygen flow.
‘Oh no, you've done it now.’
Go away! I thought back, immediately marveling at the way I clenched my teeth, as if speaking out loud. The exchange lasted barely a second, but the time the stinger was in seemed like ages.
“Hey, what was that?” Came a male voice filled with surprise.
My heart started to thud loudly in my chest. I prayed to god that the confused men would not be able to hear its' reverberations through the construction pipe. Nobody took any notice of their friends’ query, and the crunching of footsteps resumed. Not put off by his friends’ insolence, he tried again
“Up there, I thought I heard some banging!” I could almost hear the whistle as his hand pointed up to my hideout.
‘Stay still!’
Nah, I’m just gonna waltz on out there and tell them the whole story! I retorted back, discouraged by the disbelief of her non-existent voice.
No reply.
What is the whole story? What am I? You know… don’t you? I asked, consulting her, sure that they could finally put my questioning at rest.
‘It’s not what you think it is, just shut up, and stop moving around.’
So I’m not a lab rat, or an escaped convict?
Nothing.
“It’s just a raccoon or something, hurry up” I nearly jumped at the reply, but a part of me was still paying attention, and that shrunk the movement down immensely.
Once again the footsteps resumed, and I counted my blessings.
‘Wait for a while and the ease yourself out.’
Getting tired of my internal friend’s instructions, but knowing that there was no use in rebuttal, I silently bide my time, counting down from a hundred, stringing my last threads of patience up on the line.
Can I come out now? I thought through gritted teeth once again, frightened that I might be going mad.
I’ll take your silence as a yes! I continued with a delighted tone.
I wriggled my way out of the passage, hung in mid air for a second, took a deep breath and let go of the metal rim.
‘Roll on impact!’
[Thank you for reviewing!]
Hi! I have re-edited the chapter segment, and it is now changed... Thanks for the reviews!
Haha, Lol,, she is an enhanced human... or something of the like. Thanks dfor the reviews!
Here as requested!
As I balanced on my left elbow, I delicately tossed the trinket around.
Four fifths of the way around was a silver chain
name tag, at once I saw that
When you’re stuck in a tube like that, time starts to stand still, but right now, it fast-forwarded at ten times speed.
I wormed my way to the entrance and fearfully peeked outside.
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole. Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first. Just as my covered feet were reaching open air, I heard voices.
Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all.
Shut up and listen! Reasoning that talking in my head was in no violation to my no-noise contract, but feeling compelled to do what the mysterious voice told me to do, I zipped my mouth shut and strained my ears.
“Shit,” I mumbled to myself, as I wriggled my hand around to pull the blasted thing out.
as if speaking out load.
Not put off by his friend insolence, he tried again
I could almost hear the whistle as his hand pointed up to my hideout.
I asked, consulting her, sure that they could tell me who I was.
but had enough common sense to tense my muscles and grin and bare the shock.
Here as requested!
Now that I could see, I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage, or at least find the cause of the pain.
At last I found out the answer to one of my final questions. Latched onto my wrist was a light silver bracelet.
Four fifths of the way around was a silver chain, interlinking circles that made an unbreakable shackle, this made me briefly remember the comment I made to myself about being an escaped convict, but that was gently tossed aside as the bangle made another quarter turn on my wrist.
Guess who’s back?
Yup. Me.
Wooo ^^
Here it goes:
Again!
I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage.
Latched onto my wrist was a light silver bracelet.
I absentmindedly wondered as I turned the ornament over, but my thoughts were thwarted before they had a chance to prosper,
Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first.
I lay there for a moment, lost in my reverie, only to be snapped out of it by a sharp pain to my right wrist.
Again! He's going to feel a bit more than mildly saying 'again!'. Now that I could see, I fought the war to bottle the screams and take a look at the damage, or at least find the cause of the pain. As I moved my arm, the sting subsided. At last I found out the answer to one of my final questions. Latched onto my wrist was a light silver bracelet.
As I balanced on my left elbow, I delicately tossed the trinket around. Four fifths of the way around (aroud twice, too closely) was a silver chain, interlinking circles that made an unbreakable shackle, (semi-colon here) this made me briefly remember the comment I made to myself about being an escaped convict, but that was gently tossed aside as the bangle made another quarter turn on my wrist. I think that would be rather important to be gently tossed aside? More like forced out of his head. ) A thin golden plate was secured at each end to the silver. Almost completely flat and about the length of a pinkie toe, it had symbols etched onto the upturned side. I brought my wrist closer to examine what I found out to be letters.
Gently etched into the delicate surface, was the word “Arja”
Was that my name? Is that my name? This is a good way to subtley correct yourself.I absentmindedly wondered as I turned the ornament over, but my thoughts were thwarted before they had a chance to prosper, as on the other side I finally found what the cause to my pain was.
A stick of metal just bigger than a pin head was sticking out of the back of my name tag, at once I saw that it was expandable, the same way you pull a radio areal out to get better signal. My mind was working at full speed as I fought desperately to find reason. When the bracelet rested, the gold plate would dangle about a centimeter from my veins, the needle just millimeters away from piercing my skin, without extending in any way.
When you’re stuck in a tube like that, time starts to stand still, but right now, it fast-forwarded at ten times speed. In one refined movement, I tore at the charm and fought desperately to destroy it. My hard work was to no avail, and I eventually renounced my efforts, after what seemed like eons of trying. Your style is so formal, with such stiff words. If this is your character, that's perfectly fine. Good, even But if it's just you trying to sound impressive and smart, it's not okay. I lay there, basking in the bright light of outside, warring inside myself, asking for answers and picking theories to threads. Feeling distraught and tired of my futile attempts at the truth, I wormed my way to the entrance and fearfully peeked outside. Here's a little of the emotion I'm looking for!
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole. Without room to move around, I had to drop out feet first. Just as my covered feet were reaching open air, I heard voices.
Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all. I recognized the voice as my own, and the same as the guardian angel that helped me in the tunnel.
Huh? This isn't very clear. I'd suggest telling us which voice is his own, and which one he recognizing as is helper in the tunnel. Although, that helper didn't actually help him at all. He told him not to move, but why?
You again? Who are you and what are you doing in my head?
Shut up and listen! Reasoning that talking in my head was in no violation to my no-noise contract, but feeling compelled to do what the mysterious voice told me to do, I zipped my mouth shut and strained my ears.
Oh! The stranger's voice is in his own head? Wow. I didn't know that before. You'll want to slip in, right in the first part of this chapter, that your MC realizes that so your readers can realize it too.
No sooner had I started to concentrate, and then voices appeared, muffled only slightly by the short length of piping.
I listened intently for what could have been either seconds or hours, as I was too preoccupied by the conversation to be aware of anything else.
Delighted immensely by what I heard, I relaxed my muscles, which were cramping from my long time in such harsh conditions. Just as the voices seemed to fade away, the bracelet injected its hard stinger into me once more.
You're purposefully not telling us what he heard? Why?
“Shit,” I mumbled to myself, as I wriggled my hand around to pull the blasted thing out. I instantaneously cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead in my tracks. My wincing got worse as the needle stayed in the bare flesh, and I gasped in terror as it let go, breathing heavily to regain full oxygen flow.
Oh no, you've done it now.
Go away! I thought back, immediately [s]afterwards[/s] marveling at the way I clenched my teeth, as if speaking out load. The exchange lasted barely a second, but the time the stinger was in seemed like ages.
“Hey, what was that?” Came a male voice filled with surprise.
My heart started to thud loudly in my chest, and I preyed to god that the confused men would not be able to hear its' reverberations through the construction pipe. Huh? This is so long, it's meanign is muddled in its length. Nobody took any notice of the mans accusations, and the crunching of footsteps resumed. Not put off by his friend's insolence, he tried again
“Up there, I thought I heard some banging!” I could almost hear the whistle as his hand pointed up to my hideout.
Stay still!
Nah, I’m just gonna waltz on out there and tell them everything. I retorted back, awestruck at the disbelief of the voice.
No reply.
What is everything? I asked, consulting her, sure that they could tell me who I was. Her? You should proabbly have mentioned this before, methinks? I've been envisioning a man's voice.
It’s not what you think it is, just shut up.
So I’m not a lab rat, or an escaped convict?Nothing.
“It’s just a raccoon or something, hurry up” I nearly jumped at the reply, but had enough common sense to tense my muscles and grin and bare the shock.
Once again the footsteps resumed, and I counted my blessings.
Wait for a while and the ease yourself out.
Getting tired of my partners’ instructions, but knowing that there was no use in rejoinders, I silently bode my time, counting down from a hundred, stringing my last threads of patience up on the line.
Can I come out now? I thought through gritted teeth once again.
I’ll take that as a yes! I continued with a delighted tone; she was finally gone.
I wriggled my way out of the passage, hung in mid air for a second, took a deep breath and let go of the metal rim.
Roll on impact!
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole.
I thought.... wait, let me check....Without delay, and certainly not without dread, I propped myself up and peered into the light.
It was blinding at first, but then my eyes adjusted and I could make out the outlining of a mangled and scathed body. I looked on in fear as I pieced it all together, the navy outfit, the tattered body and memory loss. It all pointed to one thing.
There! in the last part you said that outside lead to a body. Now it's a construction site? I'm confused!
At last I found out the answer to one of my final questions.
about the length of a pinkie toe,
When the bracelet rested, the gold plate would dangle about a centimeter from my veins, the needle just millimeters away from piercing my skin, without extending in any way.
In one refined movement, I tore at the charm and fought desperately to destroy it.
I was in what seemed to be a construction site, and my current height was about four meters off the ground, based on what I could see through the narrow porthole.
Without delay, and certainly not without dread, I propped myself up and peered into the light.
It was blinding at first, but then my eyes adjusted and I could make out the outlining of a mangled and scathed body. I looked on in fear as I pieced it all together, the navy outfit, the tattered body and memory loss. It all pointed to one thing.
I instantaneously cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead in my tracks.
What is everything? I asked, consulting her, sure that they could tell me who I was.
It’s not what you think it is, just shut up.
I nearly jumped at the reply, but had enough common sense to tense my muscles and grin and bare the shock.
Hey, thanks Pippiedooda, I have modified the story, and the thoughts that weren't in italics i forgot to do when I copy pasted it into the box, but thanks for pointing all of that stuff out. ^.^
Hi, I'm liking this part too! The pace is good and I'm definetly intrigued as to what is going on- I've got a couple of comments on possible improvement:
I lay there, basking in the bright light of outside, warring inside myself, asking for answers and picking theories to threads. Feeling distraught and tired of my futile attempts at the truth, I wormed my way to the entrance and fearfully peeked outside.
Wait! Don’t move. Don’t make any noise at all. I recognized the voice as my own, and the same as the guardian angel that helped me in the tunnel.
I instantaneously cringed once I realized how much noise I was making, and stopped dead in my tracks. My wincing got worse as the needle stayed in the bare flesh, and I gasped in terror as it let go, breathing heavily to regain full oxygen flow.
Go away! I though back, immediately afterwards marveling at the way I clenched my teeth, as if speaking out load. The exchange lasted barely a second, but the time the stinger was in seemed like ages.
I preyed to god that the confused men would not be able to hear its' reverberations through the construction pipe. Nobody took any notice of the mans accusations
I retorted back, awestruck at the disbelief of the voice.
Wait for a while and the ease yourself out.
Getting tired of my partners’ instructions, but knowing that there was no use in rejoinders, I silently bode my time, counting down from a hundred, stringing my last threads of patience up on the line.
Here is your review! It's a little confusing, but well written. I will read the next parts of your story when you post them up.
A stick of metal just bigger than a pin head was sticking out of the back of my name tag, at once I saw that it was expandable, the same way you pull a radio areal out to get better signal. My mind was working at full speed as I fought desperately to find reason. When the bracelet rested, the gold plate would dangle about a centimeter from my veins, the needle just millimeters away from piercing my skin, without extending in any way. comma here
So I’m not a lab rat, or an escaped convict?Nothing.
Can I come out now? I thought through gritted teeth once again.
I’ll take that as a yes! I continued with a delighted tone; she was finally gone.
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