Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
The freeway was always busy at this hour so it gave me a lot of time to think. I haven't had a long-term relationship since, Jemma. I wasn't really ready for a relationship. What is something that qualifies like a relationship.
This whole different girl every night was really tiring and not worth it. Meeting the girls at the bar, and never seeing them again. I had to think of reasons to leave them, and I was running out of ideas. It had been fun,
Something that took the place of a girl. A pet? That might work if it was something that I could really get to know. So not a cat. A guy I work with, quite queer if you ask me, who owned 13 cats. Definitely not a cat. Mr. Queer was the one who was always trying to push me to write a journal. What about a journal?
A journal. That's a great idea. The light turned green and I stomped on the pedal. I flew down the road thinking. A tight curve jolted me out of thought.
I pulled up to the body shop where I work. I could smell the petroleum, and hear the whirring of drills and power tools. I pulled the doors open of the barn and went over to the lockers. I walked down the row till I came to mine. 1056. I put my stuff away and read the memos from the morning. Pulling on my gloves, I started working.
I slid under the belly of the car. It was a 1967 Chevrolet Impala, and its engine was fried. I took out the L30 engine, giving it a 275 horsepower. I installed a V8 engine, which was not as good, but we didn't have anything else in stock. 195 horsepower is still not bad.
I slid out from under the cars belly and wiped my greasy and oily hands on my jeans. I got inside the car and slid the key in. I turned the key and the engine purred like a baby.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 1.3Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hello again!
Another short little segment! I noticed you're relatively new to the site (welcome!) and just as a general piece of info, when posting novel segments it's good to keep things under 2000 words just to keep readers from getting overwhelmed. You've obviously done that, I'm bringing it up to let you know that (if you want) you can post larger segments at a time. So you could combine scenes into the same post (saves you some points that way) and just use a scene divider like *** to break up the scenes if you want. If you want to keep them as is, that's fine too - you just have more room to expand that way!
This review will be similar to the last in that I think you have lots of room to expand. I'll try not to repeat myself (or other reviewers) and simply point out where and how I think you could expand. If you would like any additional info about showing vs. telling or describing or why I've made any of the comments/suggestions I've made, please feel free to ask and I will do my best to help!
Onwards!
Where are we in terms of where we left off the last scene? We left off with a woman leaving his apartment and him forgetting her name. I'd appreciate a little more of a transition about how we got from there to here. What is he doing? He's in a car, right? What hour is it? What city is he in? What do his surroundings sound like (beeping horns, engines, squealing breaks, profanity, stuff like that?) What do his surrounds smell like (gas, roadkill, farms, stuff like that?) What does the busy interstate look like (lots of trucks, all cars, how fast are cars moving, stuff like that?)
I don't feel I need much more about Jessica because that's fairly self-explanatory - she's an ex. I would be interested in learning a little more about their relationship (we're talking one more sentence). How long was the relationship, how serious was it, and how long ago did they break up?
I think you could connect this to the previous scene. (Hence why he's with a new girl every night or hence why he had another distraction in the form of "girl from last night's name" last night). Something along those lines simply to show how his behaviors relate and why he is the way he is.
The wording of this sentence confused me (I'm not 100% sure what you're trying to say here). The context also confused me (I'm not 100% how it fits in or what it has to do with the stuff before it).
Great! Now expand on this. What about this is tiring? Was it fulfilling to him at one time? How long has he been doing this? Why is it no longer fulfilling to him (assuming it once was)? I want more of his thoughts and more of his feelings about this situation. I want to get inside his head and really get to know him and his personality.
I'd like more of a transition about how he got to this place. He doesn't think the way he's doing his life right now is fulfilling and then he skips immediately to having something that can replace having a woman in his life and I feel like we're missing a step or two.
He thinks about how his current lifestyle is not fulfilling --> He decides he wants to change something --> He thinks of how he can change (giving up women) --> What can replace women (a pet).
That's how I see a natural progression of thought in my head.
What kind of animal can a human truly get to know? Are you talking about an animal that you can bond with or that is interactive (like a dog)? Even then, you can't really get to know a dog. Dogs (unfortunately :p) can't talk.
And why does he jump immediately to not a cat? There are a lot of pets I would think of before a cat that would be difficult to "get to know". A hamster. A fish. Really any rodent other than a rabbit or a guinea pig.
I think you could develop this line of thought too. Take a little more time with each individual thought to explore the thought, feel some emotions with the thought, and then transition into the next thought.
I'm not sure what this guy has to do with anything and what him being queer has to do with anything and why it matters that he has 13 cats. Are you talking queer like weird or queer like non-heterosexual?
He seemed to be pretty on board with getting a pet and then he dismisses that idea all together because a cat wouldn't be right? There are a lot of other pet options.
And at this point I've sort of forgotten what he's trying to do. Maybe add in a reminder or two throughout his thought string about what he's trying to do. He wants a pet to try to fill this void he might have by not chasing women. He might decide to journal to try to fill this void he might have by not chasing women. (Obviously develop it more than that.)
And how does he think journaling will help his problem. I love journaling, but I'm curious to see what he thinks about it. I've never met a guy that enjoys journaling. It's fine if this guy does, but I'd like more of his thoughts and feelings about exactly what he's planning on using it for and how he thinks it will help him.
This whole time he was stopped at a red light? I was picturing him stuck in heavy traffic. Again, this is why some more description at the beginning about his surroundings will be helpful for your reader
This is kind of an abrupt place to stop. I liked that he had a problem (not wanting to continue seeing women the way he's been doing but not being sure how to fill that void) and then finding a solution to his problem (trying journaling). You have all of the basics of writing down like building a plot and creating an arc in each chapter (or scene). You just need to add more
I still think you have an interesting story starting here. I'm really intrigued by this MC and I want to know more about him (which is awesome since this is so early and your scenes have been so short so far!). I'm also soooo curious about how you're going to execute the MC falling in love with the reader
I would be happy to follow your novel and review each part as you post it if you would like someone to do that for you! Just let me know if you're interested and I'll add you to my list!
And let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Thanks so much...Yeah, I published it before I was done (
oops) SO it is a woork in progress
No problem at all!
Glad you found it helpful!
Hello, aspiringauthor45; I'm here to review your work today!
First and foremost, this chapter catches my interest. It's interesting and eye-catching. We learn a little bit more about the narrator's thought process, which is always a good aspect of the story to focus upon - it allows the reader to connect to the narrator more, as well as allow the readers to assess and judge some of the qualities of the narrator and decide whether or not they would like to be in favor of this person. But personally, given the MC's morals, he's not exactly somebody I would like to support anytime soon. XD He's obviously got some...interesting, to say the least...ideas on romantic relationships. However, like I said before, this chapter is cool in that respect. We learn more about the MC, we learn more about the MC's personality, and it's nice inclusion of emotions and thoughts within this chapter. Therefore, nicely done.
However, I found this chapter to be just too short. It's only, at the most, about 100-250 words, which is enough for a very short read. I only spent about 2-3 minutes reading this story. That isn't exactly bad, as you do a good job of communicating a lot of feelings in the course of this story, but having a bunch of short chapter components like this makes for a slight inconvenience for a reader to progress smoothly from one plot point to another, especially as none of these chapters are particularly connected (like steampowered pointed out). I imagine that, given the size of the previous chapter component, you could probably merge a whole bunch of these together and produce one single chapter, or, if that's too long, a half or a quarter of a chapter. That way, as steampowered said, you could save points and be able to communicate your story without making it so long as to assure that readers will have to spend a long time reading from start to finish (something that not many readers are fully willing to do).
Furthermore, I felt that this chapter was a bit jumbled in composition and order. We are kind of thrust into the chapter and dropped off without so much as a complete explanation. I understand, for the most part, where the setting is, and, partially, what is the narrator is doing. However, I don't have much more to work with than this. As such, it isn't exactly easy for me to read through the story and understand fully what is going on. I don't know what the narrator's car is, I can't envision the narrator's surroundings and the intersections, and I feel that this story lacks in details and a clear and vivid setting, which, as a result, hampers my ability to read the chapter. That's something you might have to work on.
Beyond that, the story itself lacks a clear flow. We go from discussing Jessica, who appears to be the only person the narrator has had a long time relationship with (by the way, you are better off removing that comma in the second sentence and replace it with ellipses - it better communicate's the narrator's thoughts), to the narrator suddenly wondering what a good relationship is. Within the second paragraph, we go from discussion what the narrator does to the narrator suddenly thinking about what could take the place of a girl. And why does the narrator not believe that cats are something he can really get to know? How does the MC shift from pets to guys to a journal? I feel that there is little that is tying together each piece of the MC's opinions. While I understand the randomness of the human mind, a good story does a nice job of flowing from point to point, connecting everything in a rational, sensible manner. However, in the case of this story, not much connects each of the narrator's thoughts. As a suggestion, you might want to develop this part of the story, by explaining the reasoning behind many of the narrator's thoughts, and why he switches from topic to topic. That would definitely go a long ways to helping making the flow of the story smoother, which, in turn, will benefit the clarity and strength of this chapter.
Nonetheless, this isn't half bad. It is a unique chapter, and I love the perspective that you provide on the narrator's thought processes and an aspect of his life. However, the story doesn't have much to hold itself together. It is brief, the plot doesn't exactly progress immensely, and the flow and organization of the story is lacking. I believe that this chapter does have a lot of potential, but it needs a lot of work to reach that potential. Nevertheless, I liked this story, and I hope that you continue to write and develop your personal writing style, and I look forward to more. Great job!
Thanks so much
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
So I was browsing your portfolio (as one does… haha) and I noticed you’d put this in the “Unsorted” folder. Just a tip, but it might be a good idea to put instalments of a story together in a new folder, so potential readers and reviewers can easily refer back to the previous part. Anyway, I’d better get started.
Hmm… I feel like you could probably get away with making your chapter sections longer, and it would also save you points. Obviously making posts that are too long runs the risk of alienating your reader, but so long as each instalment is under about 2,000 words, you should be fine.
So this is good, because you’re hinting at the character’s backstory without making it too obvious. However, the name Jessica is very similar to the name of the girl in the last section – Jenna. I got briefly confused here, so I suggest making the names more different considering you’re mentioning them so close together. Oh, and this is a nitpick but you really don’t need a comma here!
This immediately turned me off the protagonist and just makes him come across as creepy and a jerk. I would personally change this phrasing so it doesn’t look like he’s deliberately plying them with so much alcohol they don’t even know what’s going on when he gets into bed with him. Perhaps something like, “Meeting girls at the bar, taking them home” would be less shady?
Um, I feel like you made the leap from “pet” to “journal” really fast. Journals aren’t pets, so I think there ought to be some kind of transition so the character’s thoughts aren’t all over the place. Maybe there could be some kind of vague link between the two. For example, not a cat. He knows an old lady who’s terribly lonely because her cat keeps wandering off and she spends all her time writing to console herself. Writing. Doesn’t his sister keep some stupid diary? Such a girly thing. But what about a journal? That sounds better. Much more macho.
OK, I know it’s probably a stupid suggestion but I’m sure you can come up with something better, and it’s just to try and illustrate what I mean. It just feels too jerky, the way he immediately goes from “cat” to “journal”. Hmm, maybe some other reviewers will disagree with me. But those are just some of my thoughts.
Other than that, it was an interesting continuation but since this is designed to be a novel, I feel like we should soon see a little more character development. I’m especially interested to find out who Jessica is, and if this has impacted the way the character behaves (I’m guessing it has, especially around girls) Keep writing!
Much more macho! I kind of wanted him to seem like a jerk. I was thinking about changing Jenna's name
Hmm. If she's just a "throwaway" character who you're not going to mention again, I feel like changing her name might be a good idea.
Ah, and jerk characters can be good, but too jerky and your readers won't like him. If they don't care about him, they might not read on. So there's definitely a balance that ought to be struck here.
Cool!