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Prison

by ashpandas


In the beginning I thought I had control 
but control is an illusion 
My choice is an illusion 
And my world is an illusion 
 
My world is a prison 

A prison I have created in the darkest depths of my mind. 
A physical and emotional place 
I can not escape.
My body aches, my mind throbs,
and everything in me tells me to drink
The poison is strong
it consumes my mind, my body, my soul
my days go black, they disappear, 
and for a while I am nothing at all 
No pain, no hunger, no death

when I wake up I'm being told I am a failure 
I am pushed, I am pulled 
I am hurt, I am scared 
but
I can not escape 

It is a never-ending cycle 
It is a never-ending battle
It is a prison 
and I have the key

But the poison is strong
and my heart was weak 

I can not escape 
I can not win

I did not want this 
I was happy 
I was strong 
Now I am just a shadow 

A shattered shadow 
with a shattered heart 
in a prison 

I can not escape 




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62 Reviews


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Fri Sep 29, 2017 7:59 am
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AliceinBluue wrote a review...



This was a really, REALLY great poem! Like, honestly, wow. Your word choices are really intense and they bring this sense of urgency to the poem, and also a sense of giving up. It is almost like your narrator is rushing to reclaim the person they used to be, but they just cannot find their way back, so instead of constantly looking, they lock themselves up. They don't allow themselves to be free because it hurts more to be free and not who they think they should be, who society says they should be. And that to me is just, wow. They way you manage to articulate what your narrator is going through and how you guide the reader through those emotions is simply fantastic.

I do agree with alliyah though on the lengths of some of your lines. Some of them are super duper short, one word being your shortest. Others are much longer, so much longer that I had to scroll sideways at the bottom of the screen to see the last 8th of a line. The different line lengths do throw off the rhythm of the poem and pulls the reader out of the experience a little bit.

Hoped this helped and welcome welcome welcome you YWS!!!!
-Alice




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:59 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Ash! First off, welcome to Young Writers Society! :) Glad to see you're already posting on the site, if you need any help navigating the site or ever want to talk about poetry or reviewing feel free to send a message my way. -- Always happy to help out a fellow poet.

Anyways, on to the review!

The language you use in this poem has a lot of intensity and that tone carries through the whole poem.

The very first stanza actually seemed pretty philosophical which is an interesting framework to have in poetry, but I like the questioning and that the questions have a thread of relation to them too.

After the first stanza you do a good job of using this extended prison metaphor to describe the speaker's feelings. It's clear and the metaphor makes sense. My main critique is I'd love to see a little bit more specific imagery here. Rather than describing generically what it means to be a prisoner trapped in the prison of reality or of the mind, maybe try to tackle describing specifically what it feels like.

For instance rather than just saying that poison is strong, you can take it a step further, get specific -- is the poison acidic? does it burn the person's throat? -- details like this generically mean the same thing as "the poison is strong" but give the reader a clearer picture and give a poem it's unique character.

I think the poem's flow could be improved by making the line-lengths more consistent. This would also make the poem more polished on the page. Here's some tips for formatting poetry on YWS if you need it: How to Format Poetry .

I interpreted this poem as describing a person who feels like they're trapped in their life and that all the pains of the world add on to this. This is a really overwhelming and scary description for the world. But the poem does it's job in communicating that feeling clearly. Nice work!

I hope this review was helpful, please let me know if you have any questions about the review!

~alliyah




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Thu Sep 28, 2017 8:56 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hey ashpandas! Welcome to YWS! My name is Kara and I'm here for a (hopefully) quick review!

First of all, nice job on posting the 100,000th work on YWS!! Amazing!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
In the beginning I thought I had control
{B}ut control is an illusion
My choice {is} an illusion {the rest of the lines are "is," not "was"}
My world is an illusion

My world is a prison

A prison I have created in the darkest depths of my mind. {Add a new line here. It won't take away from the flow}
A physical and emotional place that I can not escape.
My body aches, my mind throbs, and everything in me tells me to drink
The poison is strong
{I}t consumes my mind, my body, my soul
{M}y days go black, they disappear, and for a while I am nothing at all
No pain, no hunger, no death {I would change "death" to "hurt" or something like that. "death" doesn't feel right to me in that line}

Then {W}hen I wake up I'm being told {I'm} a failure
I am pushed, I am pulled
I am hurt, I am scared
but
I cannot escape {"can not" is spelled "cannot"}

It is a never-ending cycle
It is a never-ending battle
It is a prison
{But} I have the key {How do you have a key to a prison you can't get out of?}

But the poison is strong
{A}nd my heart was weak

I can not escape
I can not win

I did not want this
I was happy
I was strong
Now I am just a shadow

A shattered shadow with a shattered heart
{I}n a prison

{That} I can not escape


Overall, this is pretty good. A few flow issues, and one confusing thing, but I'm assuming this is your first work on here so that doesn't surprise me. Tell me, why did you use small-caps? I'm just wondering :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Points: 89
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Thu Sep 28, 2017 6:37 pm
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Trump666 wrote a review...



Interesting Poem!

I cannot relate but I am pretty sure that some individuals can.

Its title was short but suited this poem well.

I definitely liked the language you used as it made me tell what this poem is about very quickly.

This was just a quick little thing as I couldn't think of anything else to write.

Good poem!

I rate it 8/10!





He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart