“Summer” Scarlet beckoned for me to come over. She held out a black coat. “Here, put this on.”
“What?” In the dark, the lump of black blended in perfectly.
“We have to go, and you can get some protection from the rain from this.” Okay, I trust Scarlet, but that was a lie. I know their closet was full of lots of different coats. Rain protection couldn’t have been the only reason. However, the thought of the shadow was making seriously nervous, so I took it.
“Okay.” I noticed Conrad and Scarlet putting on similar coats as well.
“Ready?” Conrad asked as we finished putting on our coats He pulled up a hood that tightly framed his face like the black haired girl’s hair framed hers. Putting up my hood, I found that it was just full enough to cover my head. I was confused for a second, before I realized- Conrad’s hood was designed to hide his hair color. What were we heading in to?
“Ready, Conrad.” Scarlet put her hood up as well, a tuft of puffy read hair sticking out of the side.
“Summer?” Conrad asked.
“Ready.” I breathed. That was I lie. I was not ready. But I guess I would never really be ready.
“Connie.” The black haired girl’s voice behind me near gave me a heart attack. Turning, I saw she didn’t have her hood, but her hair was so much like the hood, it didn’t really matter.
Conrad took the younger girl’s hand. “Then let’s go.” We all headed towards the door. We were just about to reach it, when we heard it.
When we heard the knock.
…
Scarlet squeezed my shoulder tight as whoever was knocking began to knock with more and more and more urgency. Conrad shot me a don’t move look. I didn’t dare.
“Hello?” The voice from the other side of the door was alarmingly gentle- almost trained gentle. “Hello?” the voice repeated. “I have to talk to the owner of this apartment.
The look in the other’s eyes told me exactly what I had been fearing the entire time. There was only one accessible door out. And the owner of the voice was blocking it.
As quietly as he possibly could, hopefully so the voice couldn’t hear, Conrad whispered, “Okay. I’m going into the back room. Scarlet-” His eyes shot to her. “You answer the door. Take off your jacket and act everyone- act normal.” With that, he lightly walked back. Sliding the black jacket off my shoulders, I returned to the ugly sofa and sat down in its dust.
From the other room, I could hear the click of the door opening.“You can come in sir.” Scarlet’s voice. As the footsteps approached, I just tried not to cry.
…
No doubt about it, the man was not what he said he was.
He was sitting in the living room. Chatting with Scarlet. Chatting with me. We both tried to give answers that were as simple as possible, but to every question, it felt like there was a million more. And yet, he kept dodging the question of why he’s knocking on our door this early in a storm with the power out.
He asks us about our jobs, our studies. Who our parents are. Etcetera. He isn’t taking anything down in a notebook- he didn’t even have one. He was only doing the bare minimum of pretending to be an official. He knew he had us trapped, and there was nothing we could do. He was right.
I’m a bad liar, and for a minute I worried that I would let something slide. However, as the conversation progressed, Scarlet continued every time I left off. She picks up my slack, dropping convincing lies with each sentence. Our parents? Business trip. Jobs? I’m a veterinary student, she’s a waitress. She has an answer to every question. Until-
“It has been a pleasure speaking to you ladies.” The man rose from his seat, his tall, muscular, frame intimidating. “However, I am here to speak to the owner of this apartment, on my list one Conrad Payne.” He didn’t even check a list. He knew he had us right where we wanted us. “Since I know neither of you ladies are him, perhaps one of you could tell me where I could find him?” His smile was smug. We were just trapped.
“Alright.” Scarlet said obligingly. “If you go back through the kitchen, he should be in his bedroom. It’s the middle one in the back.”
“Thank you.” The man said with a sickeningly sweet smile I can only compare with that of movie pedophiles. “Scarlet, was it?” Without waiting for an answer, the man turned and started walking back into the apartment. Giving Conrad away- what was Scarlet doing? I had no idea until I saw her fingers reach to the table and close around the vase.
…
It was like time froze as the vase connected with the back of the man’s head. Scarlet had swung it like a bat- strong arms putting force into the heavy object. A tinkling noise as bits of broken china hit the floor. A thump as the body of the now unconscious man followed suit.
“Conrad!” Scarlet shouted as the others burst out of the back, coats flying. They looked like warriors running into battle, but they stopped at the man’s body.
Conrad looked over at Scarlet. “You broke the vase.”
“It was pretty ugly anyway.” I could see them smile, and I did too. My coat was shoved back into my arms as we headed out the door. I opened my mouth to congratulate Scarlet but was interrupted by a yelp of surprise from behind me. I turned in time to watch Conrad pulled back.
“You.” Blood dripped down the side of the man’s face from the impact of the vase. He staggered sideways- to have been knocked out meant he likely had a concussion. His eyes were on Scarlet, but he gestured around towards the rest of us. “All of you. You’ll pay. There just isn’t room for people like you anymore. You’re useless. You can’t do anything. This world needs to be run right.” He reached into his pocket, and I could see something glinting in his hand, even in the dark.
The movement was fast enough, it was like I didn’t see it. Scarlet tossed something- a pebble or a button or something- up in the air. It was enough to distract the man for a second- for Conrad to twist in his grip- I flinched away until I heard a thud. I looked back to see Conrad trying to pull his wrist out of the taller man (who was now lying on the floor)’s grip. He winced as it finally pulled out, and walked quickly away from the man, who was making a move to get up.
“We need to go. Now.” He pulled his hood up and looked over at Scarlet. “Do you have the tickets?” She held up four slips of paper and we walked our way out of the apartment and into the lobby- which was empty. I could tell that Conrad didn’t want to freak anyone out, but his face was screeched up reflexively in pain.
“Stay still.” I went to look at his arm- to survey the damage-
“No!” he ripped his arm away, then winced. “We don’t have time for this. You can look at it on the train, but we need to go.”
“Train?”
Scarlet’s voice was calm. “Okay.” She took Conrad’s good hand and beckoned for me to follow. “We’ll look at it on the train. Come on, Summer.”
So for the second time that week, I found myself following three people I had barely met, barely knew. That had kidnapped me. Funnily enough, this time, I felt like I could trust them. I flipped my hood up and followed the others into the rain.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Four- Chapter fourPoints:
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Heya, AshlingWolf! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, to start off I would like to say I did like this. But, I felt as if the first part wasn't really necessary to the chapter. I mean, yeah it's suspenseful and leads into the later parts- but with the way you ended it and started into the second part it sounded like a different chapter. It's suspenseful, it's dramatic, and I could see them being separated. Here's the part I'm talking about-
Do you see what I mean? It can be cut here and not hurt. The chapter in entirety I mean.
Anyway, on to the next thing.
Paragraph breaking. This is where you break a paragraph based on if it changes thought, ideas, or included dialogue. Here's what I mean by this-
okay, you see where the dialogue breaks. That's where you break it. Like this-
"“It has been a pleasure speaking to you ladies.” The man rose from his seat, his tall, muscular, frame intimidating.
“However, I am here to speak to the owner of this apartment, on my list one Conrad Payne.” He didn’t even check a list. He knew he had us right where we wanted us.
“Since I know neither of you ladies are him, perhaps one of you could tell me where I could find him?” His smile was smug. We were just trapped."
See? It makes it neater, and you lose a lot of the paragraph. It makes it shorter, which isn't as hard on the eyes.
Anyway, my next point is this- you do a really good job of describing what you want to describe through emotion. I really appreciate your detail.
Anyway, that's all I have to say. Keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Thanks so much for the review! I will have to look over my chapter breaks.
No problem!
Hey Ashling!
I haven't reviewed in a while, and getting back into it with this seems like a pretty good idea to me
As always I shall get the nitpicks out of the way first and then I can ramble on about all the things that you've done great!
Okay so:
Okay, so to me this sounds a little strangely phrased. It half sounds like you're saying that Scarlet is saying the coats ability to be a coat is what she is lying about. Perhaps reword it to something like
Okay, I trust Scarlet, but I got the sense that there was something more to this coat.
Or something along those lines, just to make it a bit clearer if you see what I mean.
making me?
To be honest I really couldn't find that much to fault in this chapter. There are a couple of small grammatical errors, like on occasion like the example above there is the odd missing word, or full stop, I think there was a speech mark missing somewhere too. But they're all super minor things that you can probably spot yourself, just give it a quick once over and you'll probably see them.
But wowza! This was a great chapter! I think it's my favorite one so far! You have paced it all perfectly, and the mix of drama and suspense is great. I like how you've described things just enough that you can picture what's going on, but not so much so that the story is slowed down.
I also like that I still kind of have no idea what's going on, it makes Summers character a little more relateable because it's like I'm kind of in the same boat as her in terms of how much knowledge we have of the situation. And omg do I wanna know what's going on. What are they running from? Who are they? What are they? So many questions. I can't wait to see what's going to happen next! Let me know when you post it, I'd love to read it
Burn
Thanks for reviewing friend! I will definitely go through a proofread better next time. Chapter Four is typed up, so I should be posting it pretty soon.
Awesome!!!