z

Young Writers Society


12+

Four- Chapter four

by ashlingwolf


(I'm sorry to have to say this, but please don't review unless you've read the first chapters, thanks!)

“Now boarding train 1-B to Vancouver.” The voice boomed over the loudspeaker in the train station/ Scarlet and Conrad stood up and I followed suit.

“We had best get on that train.” Scarlet looked at Conrad, who was trying his best to keep his right arm still. “The sooner Summer can take a look at you the better.” She was still holding onto his good hand tightly, like a mother bear protecting her cub.

We handed a man in a uniform our tickets, and climbed onto the train. Vancouver. Why? I wondered, but I kept it to myself. I started looking for a good seat- Vancouver was multiple days away- but Scarlet grabbed my arm and dragged me through one of the car connections. On the other side is what appears to be a tight hallway. She pulls me down a little ways, before pushing me through a door labelled “Scarlet Maxell.” Inside are four beds and a small table- a private room.

Despite the danger of the early morning, I feel a smile creeping onto my face. These were for rich people- I had never even seen inside one of these, let alone ridden in one.

“Scarlet!” I gestured around us at the room. “How did you afford all of this?” She was smiling too.

“Let’s just say a friendly elf helped me.”

“No, really,” I pressed, “this is amazing.”

“Ahem.” Scarlet coughed and tilted her head in Conrad’s direction. He raised an eyebrow.

“I see you, Scar. And I’m fine.”

“Summer will be the judge of that.” I had forgotten that she was even there. The black haired girl slid off her coat, even though she was just wearing a similar jacket underneath. “You can’t try to hide it, Connie. And you’re bleeding.” Scarlet perked up and put a hand on his head, examining his face. A small line of red near his jaw glowed angrily.

“She’s right, you need a bandage or something. What happened? Does it hurt?” Conrad shook his head, but surrendered and sat down. I lifted his hand gingerly and pulled up his sleeve. Just from a first glance, this was going to need more supplies than just the bandages Scarlet had shoved in her pockets as we left the apartment and the half-melted ice pack the black haired girl had from… somewhere. His wrist was bent at an awkward angle and swollen. I turned it over to look more, and he winced. This was a bad injury.

“Conrad,” I started, “I know you’re trying to be strong, and it’s ok. We can tell that you’re strong. But as a…” I trailed off. I trailed off. I wasn’t technically a doctor yet. I was just a student. Not even close. “…person of medical knowledge, I need your help to help you.” I caught his eye. “You don’t have anything to prove with us. We know that you’re strong. But you need to tell me what you’re feeling.” He looked at me for a minute.

“Well…” He looked down at his wrist. “It feels like I’m dying very slowly, also I’m on fire and I’m suffocating, except it isn’t me, it’s just my arm.” He winced again as I touched the inside of his wrist, drawing in a sharp breath.

“Good. Ok. Thanks for telling me.” I turned to Scarlet. She looked at me, eyebrows raised. “Does this train have an infirmary?” She grinned.

“This train has everything.”

“All right then.” I felt more focused now. “I need more bandages, and a decent ice pack, while this one cools in- is that a mini fridge?” She nodded proudly. “While this one cools in our complimentary mini fridge.” Who’d have thought of that! “If there’s anything else that you see, grab it. We can’t be too safe.” She smiled and left the room. I turned to the black haired girl. “Since I don’t want Conrad moving around, in the event that he accidentally tries to pick something up and hurts himself, I’m going to stay with him. Could you maybe pick up some food? I’m pretty hungry.” She nodded and turned to go. “Oh, and…” She stopped and looked back at me. “I never caught your name.” She smiled, then turned again.

“You can call me Noir.”

Noir walked off to find food. When Scarlet returned with more medical supplies, it was back to work.

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to the dining hall to get some food.” Scarlet paused at the door. “Come get me if you need anything, but I’ll be back in a bit.”

“OK Scarlet.”

“Good luck you guys.” And with that, she close the door on her way out. I handed Conrad one of the new ice packs Scarlet had brought.

“Here. Put this on your wrist.” His expression tightened as he held it to his wrist.

“It burns.” He said matter of factly.

“I know it burns.” I put the other ice packs in the fridge. “But it’ll bring down the swelling, and that’s important to do before we bind it. I think it’s just a sprain, but we have to take every precaution.” He shrugged.

“If you say so.”

“Good. We’ll watch that until the swelling’s gone down a bit.” With that out of the way, I had to ask. “Conrad?”

“Yes?”

“What the heck happened this morning?” His face, having had a small smile on it, even exhausted, quickly turned to a grim expression.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“What’s obvious about it?”

“WS sent that man to either capture us or kill us.” He lifted a hand to push a tuft of white hair out of his face. “Not sure whether they cared which,” he mumbled.

“What?” I mean, the man had clearly tried to kill Conrad, but that was after Scarlet, and the vase and everything. I had no idea that murder could be his original intention.

“And that’s why we’re headed to Vancouver,” Conrad continued. “There’s a place there that we know is safe.”

“But you still haven’t explained-“ The door creaked open. My question would have to wait. Noir held out two steaming bowls.

“Lasagna? It’s not Scarlet good, but what is?” I gave Conrad a look. He would have to explain eventually. “Here.” I was handed a bowl by Noir, who proceeded to go sit by Conrad’s bunk.

“Thanks.” I sniffed the food in the bowl, and I could feel emptiness in my stomach. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and I hadn’t even eaten a whole lot of that. When I took a bite, it wasn’t half bad. Conrad just stared at Noir.

“Are you going to let me eat some?” She giggled. “No, seriously…“ he stopped. “…Noir. I can feed myself.”

“Connie, you’re right handed. There’s no way I’m letting you feed yourself with your injury.” She looked over at me.

“Doctor’s orders,” I added. She looked back to Conrad.

“See? And forget about doctors- Scarlet would be pissed.” Conrad bit his lip. She poked at his face with a forkful of pasta until he finally gave in at the smell of the food.

I realized that this girl, Noir, was so different from the black haired girl I had met in the alley a few days ago. I thought I was beginning to understand her, but then she completely changed- shown her other side. Therefore she remained a mystery to me.

“Wake up Summer.” I woke up by way of a gentle nudge from Scarlet. “It’s ten. We should be pulling in to Union Station in Toronto in about twenty minutes.” Red hair tickled my nose and I almost sneezed. “I didn’t want you to miss the new passengers getting on.” So it was ten. The excitement of the previous day had gotten to me. I couldn’t sleep for nearly an hour when I tried to. Instead I just kept thinking about the fight that I overheard on my first day with them. That Conrad was definitely keeping things from me. I mean, I know that Noir’s attack may have interrupted us, but this was intentional secrets.

At the same time, I kept thinking about Noir- her role in the fight. When Conrad spoke to her, he started to call her something with an R. I don’t have a very good memory, but I can say that Conrad always seems hesitant to call her Noir. I don’t think it’s her real name. Is anyone being honest with me?


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:38 pm
ChimeraMania wrote a review...



Okay, so I've read all the chapters.

I like where I feel this will go I really do but I feel like you're missing a lot of information. We only know the characters name and hair color, well we don't know Summer's hair color. Actually, we don't know how they sound when they talk other than the expressions you give. We also don't know how to really picture them just hair color. I feel if you add some description to your chapters it will help us picture how things are. When I read those chapters and this chapter, I mostly just pictured darkness and the few details you gave. In every good chapter, description is part of the key to a good book.

You're going to have to tell explain to me the points of the (...) in between some of those paragraphs, is it time passing?

I admit these are good and I would like to see where it goes in further chapters but without the descriptions, no matter where you take it, you're not taking your readers into the story deep enough. When you read a book, don't you just feel sucking into it? Well from these chapters I'm in it but I can't see what it is that I am in. Get it?

My advice is to use more descriptions and get sucking into your own work. If you do that then readers will most definitely follow you into the abyss of your work.

Also, you might want to give background information. Who are the WS? Why are they after her? How did the others find each other? I know you are going to be adding this information in later, but you should have started off with Summer at least running away. I mean I know you have that information in there, but readers would rather be right there with her running, feeling what she's feeling, not hearing about from her in a fleeting pass of information. Get it?

Although I do love the development of your characters and like seeing the different side, I just wish I could picture them as they do the things you're saying they're doing.

So in all description, description, background.

I hope this helps you because I know this novel is going so where and I'm along for the ride, I just want to see the ride that I am on. Good Luck Tottles.




ashlingwolf says...


Thanks again for the review! You certainly have a point with my descriptions. I'll have to try to put it all in somewhere (I don't want to info-dump), but thanks for letting me know. I'll be sure to let you know when the next chapter's up!



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Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:31 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Ashlingwolf! Casanova here to review!

Anyway, the first thing is the plot. It's decent, but in a sec I'll explain what would make it better.
The characters are all right, but I feel like they're a bit chatty and don't really get explained very well. This leads into my final point- dialogue.
SOme of this is alright. A lot isn't really exactly my style, and it feels as if they're just chatting it up too much. I would suggest playing around with words outside of dialogue, letting them be explained through other ways than just dialogue. This would also help the characters, as well as the plot itself.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about this one for now. Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on. I hope this has helped.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




ashlingwolf says...


Thank you for your review. I will have to keep this in mind.



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Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:30 pm
burninhell wrote a review...



Hiya!
So this review comes a few days later than I had planned, but we got there in the end.
Okay, so I'm not sure that I have much to offer aside from a couple of nitpicks here and there and a big old ramble about how much I liked this chapter. But anyways, let's get to it shall we.
As always nitpicks first and then down to the good stuff.

train station/ Scarlet and Conrad stood up

Super minor thing, but a slash has snuck its way in there.

We know that you’re strong

Okay so this is kind of just personal preference, so feel free to ignore me. But I feel like you repeat this one too many times in this paragraph. Maybe use a different word than strong... Brave perhaps?

“Are you going to let me eat some?” She giggled. “No, seriously…“ he stopped. “…Noir. I can feed myself.”

This line confused me a little bit, is Noir speaking at first and then Conrad or is it all Conrad? Perhaps just try and make it a little clearer.

And that is me all out of things to say in terms of improvements. As always your pacing in this chapter is great, I don't feel like you're rushing over things which is good. However I am begining to wonder about Summers character, she has a issue with how little she's being told in this situation (understandably) and yet, she's leaving her life and getting on a train to Vancouver with them? I feel like perhaps if someone were in her situation that they'd be a little more insistent to get answers than how Summer is at the moment. That being said, it might just be that I myself just desperately want to know what's going on and who's after them and why.
Ahh, I have so many unanswered questions, it's frustrating in a good way if you get what I mean. As always I look forward to the next part, make sure to let me know again when you've posted it so I can have a read :)
Burn




ashlingwolf says...


Thanks again for always reading my stuff, and thanks for a review. I will definitely have to put some more reasoning in for Summer's actions. I will be sure to tell you when the next chapter's up!



burninhell says...


No problem! It's a great story! I cant wait to read more :)




The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin