Being told you’re a half-blooded witch isn't something you expect to learn on you sixteenth birthday, but it was for Ivy. When the Sisters of Redwood learn of her existence, it only confirms the ancient prophecy. Her life on the line, an antique pendant could hold answers to her fate.
Ivy a guarded fifteen year old girl with ebony skin and angelic hair lived as she thought a seemingly normal life. Yes she’s had awkward and strange things happen, but what teenager hasn’t. On her sixteenth birthday a gift wrapped in black separated from all the others caught Ivy’s eye. Not knowing where it came from she wondered if she should open it. Taking the mysterious wrapped gift and hiding it in her room, Ivy is tempted to open it until she is interrupted by her mother.
Ivy listen to her mother for what felt like hours but were mere seconds. Tears running down her face, and hurt in her eyes, Ivy vanishes into the night. Going to the safest place she knows, Ivy sits pondering at the full moon, when she notices a shadowy figure coming out of the woods.
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140,511 Literary Works • 673,275 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this was quite an intriguing start here, it has a bit of a confusing POV jump system there, it could be just be the way you've written things but its a little off there, and it appears to be jumping from narrator to Ivy's perspective a couple of times. Other than that however, certainly seems like it would make for a pretty cool story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....this sounds a bit off, I think it has potentially got something to do with the fact that the tenses being used here do sounds a tiny bit wonky and a little bit mixed up, but I can't quite put my finger on exactly what part of this sounds off. It certainly does sounds pretty interesting though, this definitely manages to do the job of a first paragraph really well here, especially for a prologue. Certainly sounds like some seriously mysterious things are happening here.
Okay...well, alright this is now switching to be some sort of distant narrator here at this point which is a little off here. It feels like we've switched from Ivy's perspective to this one quite abruptly here and that is a little bit tough for a reader there. Putting that aside however, this is a pretty intriguing little incident here, the description about her at the very beginning sounds a bit awkward but otherwise, a mysterious gift appearing at a birthday party that is also somehow separate from everything else is certainly quite a mysterious little detail there.
Okay....her mother certainly appears to have broken some pretty distressing news there if that's the reaction that she had to it, oh dear, that does not sound good at all judging from that reaction. The reaction there certainly seems like quite a strong one at any rate. And then of course the full moon is an interesting detail and then we end on a very mysterious shadowy figure...well, I'd say this is a pretty good ending there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid start here to this story, certainly does a great job getting your attention as a reader and there's enough mystery to keep you turning those pages and turning them pretty fast.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Shall we?
Let's begin with your plot. It's quite intriguing for its bluntness. I wonder what's happening between Ivy and her mother, so you've done well with your prologue.
There isn't much else to review here except for your grammar. So then:
"Being told you're a half-blooded witch isn't something you expect to learn on you sixteenth birthday, but it was for Ivy." Two mistakes here: "you" should be your, and you've worded this sentence wrong. If you say, "but it was for Ivy," it sounds like Ivy was expecting to be told she was a witch. I'd suggest replacing "you expect to learn" with "that usually happens".
"Ivy a guarded fifteen year old girl with ebony skin and angelic hair lived as she thought a seemingly normal life." Fixing your commas and hyphens, this sentence reads: "Ivy, a guarded fifteen-year-old girl with ebony skin and angelic hair, lived, as she thought, a seemingly normal life."
"Yes she's had awkward and strange things happen, but what teenager hasn't." A comma and a question mark here. "Yes, she's had awkward and strange things happen, but what teenager hasn't?"
In the next few sentences, put commas behind "birthday" and "from".
"Ivy listen to her mother" Ivy listened to her mother
Well, this is a good plot, but it's really rough with grammar. I hope you'll do better with that in later drafts. Use commas for pauses, and keep an eye on subject agreement. Cheers.
-Chaser
Thanks for the suggestions. i am working to make sure that everything works grammar wise. it was just a draft and i wanted opinions on the plot as a whole. i have posted my drafts for chapter 1 and 2. i will be having a beta reader take a look at it.
-ashley
I think that it was great! Just a few notes:
How did you think of that name?
What does her mother say?
Who is the figure?
Can you make the chapter longer?
Overall I enjoyed the chapter. I hope that you continue the chapter, I hate it when people don't finish their stories. You have a great story line going, I hope that you add more character depth. Keep writing because you have potential!
I' m glad you enjoyed!!!
this wasn't a chapter just a summary,but i will submit chapters 1-3.