Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“Wake up Ivy!” Your doin’ it again!”
It was happening.
I could hear Willows high pitch screams. Screams that could wake a bear in winter, but i wouldn't flinch.
“C’mon Harte!”she yelled. i could feel her erratically shaking me.
I was in a dream.
An orb of fire surrounded me, filling the air with smoke.
This dream that was becoming more real, more frequent. This dream used to happen every once in a awhile. But each year closer to my birthday, the dreams I've noticed, become worse. I was numb to it all. Despite my numbness i couldn't escape the flames.
Not this time.
***
I lunged forward from my bed, coughing up ashes and thirsting for water to get the taste out my mouth. I searched blindly for my glasses under my pillow and stuck them on my face. Now with sight, i could see the tall ice cold water in Willows hand, as she stood beside my bed trying to help.
“Did you see it?” I hoarsely asked.
She didn't answer.
Willow had her WALKMAN on full blast. She could never hear a thing.
She handed me the glass.
I drank till’ it was gone.
“Ives Look!” she pointed to my bed, before flopping down on hers.
I turned my head enough to see a black soot-like outline were I laid.it was like my shadow was now printed on my pillows and sheets.
I hopped up and yanked the sheets from the bed, stuffing them in my old trunk chest. I locked it before Headmistress Rowan burst through our solid oak door.
I knew Headmistress would be coming soon, she disliked the presence of death. And the tiny vase with a bundle of sunflowers from the garden she kept on our dresser were now nearly brown in color. I find that odd since she just replaced them yesterday.
Willow and I were also late for breakfast.
“A house full of thirteen forgotten children, you’d think she’d lose track at least once,” i thought to myself.
Willow stretched out on her bed pumpin’ Janet and trying to hit the high notes.
“Ives c’mon! Get dressed before all the good pieces of bacon are gone!” she sighed. Food goes fast around these parts.
“You’re the one late for school!” i tried to yell over the music.
“What!”
I didn't bother to respond.
I just started to quickly dress, grabbing my faded overalls and navy blue Tee, my usual.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there! clogs here for a Review Day review!
This was pretty intriguing. I think that the biggest obstacle to tackle in this is going to be grammar. acm already covered a lot of that, but I have a few more suggestions. Now let's take a look, shall we?
First of all, "I" is always a capital letter when writing prose. There are many lowercase "I"s that are probably just a result of carelessness. Please go through and fix all those; it's just proper English. Poetry is another story though, haha. XD
Should be high-pitched screams, to make it an adjective.
"Erratically" doesn't really seem to fit here to me. It means not even or irregular, so it seems like a weird adjective to describe this motion.
This part struck me as odd for a number of reasons. Firstly, Willow had just been yelling and screaming in her attempts to try to get the narrator to wake up, and now she's not even answering. It doesn't seem consistent, because she was so worried just a minute ago.
The other thing that's weird is how you say "she could never hear a thing". To me, that implies that she generally has trouble hearing, literally all the time. However, I think you meant it to describe more of what was happening in the moment. For this reason, I'd recommend changing it to "she couldn't hear a thing".
In this case, the apostrophe should go at the front of "'till", although technically it's not needed at all.
I'm a little confused about the name of this character. I've heard Ivy, Ives, and Harte so far. I can understand "Ives" as a nickname, but Harte doesn't seem to make much sense to me.
This is a comma splice. There are a number of ways to fix it, but I recommend using "because" after the comma. Also, this seemed weird. Where was the presence of death? It seemed to come out of nowhere.
There are a couple of other minor typos and such, but I'm not going to sit here combing them all out for you. I think that if you learn to proofread and self-edit, you'll find that reviews can start focusing on more detailed things, like the plot and the characters.
Speaking of which, this seems to be pretty interesting. I'm really not sure what's going to happen, but you've got my attention. I think that sometimes the character's reactions are unrealistic. I mean, I feel like they'd be a little more freaked out by a bunch of ashes on the bed for no apparent reason! I think you should think about the age group and personalities of your characters, and then think about what reactions they're likely to have to such things. You did a pretty good job conveying the setting; I'm getting some run-down orphanage vibes over here, which is nice.
Hope this review helped! Keep on writing, and happy Review Day!
Sorry for the late response,but thanks for the input and suggestions.The reason my characters at this point seem to be acting unrealistic in the reader eyes, was to suggest that weird things must've happened prior to this, since Willow advises in the beginning that Ivy was "Doin' it again!"
I will change a few things to make that more known.The entire passage was written on my cell,so editing can get harsh at times. I have since uploaded to my computer.Hopefully future publishing's should be better.
Thanks for taking the time to review!!!
-Ashley
Hi ashleymreid, acm here for a review! Since this piece was short, I might nitpick a bit with the sentence structure and spelling, if you don't mind.
1. In a lot of places, the word I isn't capitalized. In writing, I is always a capital when you're talking about yourself.
2.
Right here, you need to add an apostrophe in the word, 'Willows'. This would turn into Willow's because they are her screams, meaning that it is possessive. I would also phrase the second sentence as, 'They were screams the could wake a bear in the winter, but I wouldn't flinch.' Adding the 'there were' makes it a full sentence.
3. You should change the first sentence to, 'This dream was becoming more real and more frequent.' I think it sounds better that way when you're reading it. Also, you started both sentences in a row with, 'This dream', as a start. You should change it up for the next sentence, maybe by starting it with, 'The nightmare,' or something like that. Third, you shouldn't start a sentence with the word but. I recommend linking them together as, 'This dream happened every once and awhile, but each year closer to my birday, the dreams, I've noticed, become worse.' That way the second sentence is a complete sentence.
4. Here, it would flow better as, 'I was numb to it all, though despite my numbness, (I put in a comma here for flow) I couldn't escape the flames.' I also feel like this line could be explained better. What are you implying when you say numb? Can she not feel emotions or pain? Can she not move her limbs? I'm confused.
5. Here, if you're going to put the thoughts in italics, you don't need quotation marks unless the character is speaking aloud, which I don't think this one is.
Anyways, I really did like this piece. It was really intriguing, and I can't wait to read more of it! I would just recommend that you check over your work before publishing. Overall, though, great job!
Sorry again, for nitpicking,
acm
Thank you for the review.And the helpful tips.
I cant wait to upload more passages.
-Ashley R
I can't wait to read them!