Dead on Arrival, Chapter 1

Chapter 1

As I sat there, my left arm draped over the armrest of the polyester couch and my right arm resting on Emily’s shoulders, I tried my best not to get too anxious. Cuddling was a normal thing between close friends, wasn’t it? This was purely and wholly platonic. I repeated that over and over again as she leaned into me and the smell of her strawberry shampoo wafted off her chocolate-colored hair. For a moment, I thought she had fallen asleep until she suddenly stirred and sat up. She gazed at me with a strange tenderness, and I wondered if she was telling herself this was platonic too.

“I have to go pick up James.”

“Do you want me to come with?”

“No, it’s okay. You go home, I’ll call you later.” She grabbed her keys and we walked out of her house. She was always busy with her little brother, acting as his stand-in mom. Their real mom worked as a 24/7 on-call nurse at the local hospital to make ends meet, and it had been that way ever since her dad had left their family when Emily was still a kid. Emily waved goodbye, got in her car, and drove off. I got in my car and called Asher as I drove home.

“Asher.”

“What’s up?”

“I have news.”

“Tell me what happened.”

“It’s not much. Emily invited me over to her house. We were just cuddling and watching some crappy movie.”

“After school?”

“Yes.”

“She invited you to her house. After school. To cuddle.”

“What about it?”

“And you two are just friends?”

“Yeah?”

I heard him exhale a sigh tinged with disappointment. “Only you could remain friends with a girl you literally just cuddled with.”

“Whatever. I don’t want to tell her I like her. We’re such good friends, and she’s the first girl I’ve been close to since Lara.”

“I understand that, but at some point you have to take a chance. Think about it like this. Would you prefer to stay in pitch-black darkness because it’s safe, or fumble in the dark for the light switch?”

“I’d probably trip over a coffee table and crack my head open. So yes, I’d prefer to stay in the pitch-black darkness.”

“That’s not the answer I wanted.”

“Well, it’s the answer you got. I’m perfectly fine staying like this with Emily. I have no need to take the relationship further, because I’m okay with where it is.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you okay with only being friends?”

“Because friendship never hurt me. Love has.” Asher stayed silent for a couple minutes. “Are you there?”

“Yeah. I’m here. We’ll talk more about this tomorrow.” He hung up abruptly.

I wondered if I had upset him somehow. I couldn’t see how, though. He asked why, and I told him why. Getting upset with someone because they didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear just didn’t make sense to me. As I pulled into my driveway, my phone rang. It was Emily, so naturally, I immediately answered.

“Hey.”

“Hey, you.”

“Picked up James?”

“Yep. I’m making him food right now.”

“How is he? I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“He’s okay. It’s just hard.”

“What is?”

“Balancing everything. I’ve missed out on a lot of important things in my life to go be there for him because Mom isn’t. I know Mom is always gone because she wants to keep me and James living comfortably, and I really do appreciate it. But it’s hard being her replacement. Sometimes, I wish I could just drop it all. Forget about school, and college, and work, and everything and just go somewhere with you. A place where we can just have fun without worrying about the future.”

She only said one thing that registered in my head. She wanted to go somewhere with me. She wanted to go somewhere with me? She must have meant to say “without you”. Why would she want to go anywhere with me?

“David?”

What’s so special about me?

“Are you okay? Do you wanna come over?”

Oh, god. I can’t. Can’t let her see me like this. I can’t let her see me. I can’t risk it. Not again.

“I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I tossed my phone onto the passenger seat and laid my head on the steering wheel to not completely spiral. I wish Emily didn’t care about me. Pushing somebody away becomes a lot harder when they care about you. They just keep on coming back time after time, no matter how strong of a hint you give them, all because they “care” about you. I couldn’t understand the logic behind it all, if caring about somebody just meant subjecting yourself to emotional turmoil over and over again.

I took a couple moments to calm down before I went inside the house. I didn’t have that much homework today, so I was just planning to watch TV until my parents came home. They both worked until 5, so I was home alone for at least another hour. I was supposed to take my anxiety medicine around this time, but I only took them on days where I felt like shit. On the days I don’t take them, I just grab a pill and throw it out to make my parents believe I’m still medicated.

Ever since I had a panic attack back in middle school, my parents have been extra cautious to make sure it doesn’t happen again, promptly hiring a therapist and getting me a prescription. But the pills don’t do anything to dampen my anxiety. Whenever I did take them, they somehow made it worse, and I didn’t see the point in taking medicine that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do. Regardless, they get me high enough that I forget about anything that’s stressing me out, so I took two today and went back to browsing Netflix.

After going through practically the entire catalogue, I stumbled across the movie that Emily and I were watching at her house, and I suddenly felt bad for hanging up on her. I called her to apologize, but the phone kept ringing until it eventually went to voicemail. I knew she was just at work, but a voice inside my head told me otherwise. she hates you. No, she doesn’t. she knows you hate yourself. No, she doesn’t. everyone can see it. that’s why Asher hung up on you. he can see how scared you are. She’s just busy. Who are you fooling? she saw your call and didn’t even think to text back. she hates you. everyone hates you.

“Honey? When did you get home?” My mom was standing in the doorway, coffee cup in hand.

“Not long ago.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

She walked in and set the coffee down on the kitchen counter. “You sure?” She came over to the couch and gently tousled my hair. “Took your medicine?”

I told her I did. I wasn’t technically lying. “When’s Dad getting home?”

“He’ll be home soon. Caught in traffic.” She sat down on the couch and took the remote from me. “Got any homework today?”

I told her I didn’t. I got up to go to my room, but she told me to wait.

“Do you have any dinner plans tonight?”

“No.”

“Good. Me and your dad have something important to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“We’ll tell you at dinner.”

I felt a surge of irritation. Why even mention it if you weren’t going to tell me right away?

“What is it about?”

“Something big.”

I threw my hands up in frustration and decided to go play Minecraft. “Call me when dinner’s ready.”

I went into my room and turned on my PC, but against my better judgment, I called Emily again. Straight to voicemail. I tried not to let the voice get too loud this time, and went to my old texts with Lara (against my better judgment).

We broke up a year and 6 months ago, but sometimes, I liked to pretend that we were still together and she hadn’t screwed me over. I kept scrolling until I reached April 2023, the prime of our relationship. Things slowly went downhill from there, though. We had only been together a couple months, but my constant anxiety was already beginning to irritate her, and my attempts to suppress it only worsened my own well-being. It wasn’t long before I found out she was cheating on me with a popular quarterback, and we were over just like that. I trusted her with my darkest secret, and she made that secret watch from the corner while she fucked a football player. She’s the whole reason why I’m scared to tell Emily about my anxiety, because you just can’t predict how people will react, no matter how many empty reassurances they give you.

And I had no intention of risking that with Emily.

I heard the front door open and I ran out of my room, thankful to be snapped out of my painful reminiscence. My dad had come home, and my mom would finally tell me whatever she had to tell me.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hey, Davey.” He dropped his briefcase next to the front door and kicked his shoes off. “Had your medicine today?”

“Yep.” I added impatiently, “Hurry, let’s have dinner.”

“Somebody’s eager. Mom cooked your favorite dish?”

“She said she had something to tell me at dinnertime.”

My dad’s face lost the joy it had worn moments earlier. I assumed I accidentally reminded him of whatever Mom had to tell me.

“Dad?”

His face picked right back up. “Nothing. Let’s eat.” He put on a smile that wasn’t quite as convincing as it was supposed to be.

We sat down to eat dinner. Mom had cooked lasagna, my favorite.

“This tastes better than usual, Mom.” I chewed slowly as I waited for one of them to fill me in.

“Thanks, hon. I added some oregano today.”

We ate for a couple more moments in silence before I spoke.

“I’d like to know what it is that both of you are keeping from me.”

“Davey.” My dad put his fork down. “I’ve been offered a job in Colorado.”

What was so bad about that?

“That’s good news, isn’t it?”

“The job requires us to relocate there.”

Now, the truth was revealing itself. We had to move. Even then, I didn’t mind moving, as long as it was after graduation.

“When do we have to move?”

“By February, early March at the latest.”

I froze mid-chew. March? That was 3 months before graduation. I only had 3 more months to live here? Only 3 more months to be friends with Emily?

“Oh.”

My mom had quietly finished eating and left the table to put her plate in the sink.

“Are you okay?” My dad put his hand on mine.

I couldn’t breathe. My palms were getting sweaty and my heart started pounding.

“Davey?”

My mom rushed over to me from the kitchen. “I think he’s having a panic attack. Get him some water.”

A headache began to poke around behind my eyes.

“Here, drink.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed the cold liquid. It didn’t have quite the calming effect I had hoped it would. The headache had spread to the rest of my body and I suddenly felt an intense drowsiness. Pills. I needed my pills.

“Anxiety. Medicine.” It was strangely difficult to pronounce those words. My dad came back with a pill and another glass of water. I grabbed them from him and quickly swallowed it. Within a couple minutes, the headache slowly faded down to a mild throb. My parents watched me, sharing the same scared look on their faces.

“I’m okay. Nothing serious.”

My dad enveloped me in an apologetic hug.

“I’m sorry, Davey.” He laid his chin on top of my head. “I know it’s sudden. It’s sudden for me too.”

My mom joined the hug. “I know it’s not a lot of time, and we’re sorry for putting a ticking clock on you.” She squeezed tighter. “Colorado isn’t the most exciting place to be, either. But at least you’ll get to skip finals?”

I felt a smile on my face, despite my increasing fears that I’d never talk to Emily again, and our relationship would just become a giant question mark. They both left the hug and went back to their chairs.

“Do you wanna go tell your friends?”

“I can tell them tomorrow.”

I didn’t want to deal with telling Asher and Emily right now. They would just freak out, and I wasn’t in the mood to handle that. I ate the rest of my lasagna in silence and went to my room to play some games before I slept. But once again, I ended up doing something against my better judgment. I called Asher.

“Asher.”

“Hi.”

“I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“You can’t tell Emily. And you can’t freak out about it.”

“Just tell me.”

“I’m moving soon.”

“You’re WHAT?”

“I told you not to freak out.”

“You can’t tell me that and expect me to stay calm. When?”

“March. Or February. I don’t know exactly.”

“WHAT? TWO MONTHS?”

“Stop yelling in my ear. Yes, two months.”

“I have every right to yell in your ear. Why are you just telling me this now? Have you told Emily?”

“No, dumbass. That’s why I told you not to tell her. And I’m telling you now because my parents just told me.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

“No.”

“Why the hell not?”

“She already has to take care of her brother and focus on school. She doesn’t need to worry about me leaving. I’ll tell her later.”

“Tell her now. Invite her to the call.”

“She hasn’t answered my calls for a couple hours.”

“Really? She called me a couple minutes ago. She just got out of work.”

My blood ran cold. How come she called Asher but not me? Does she really hate me?

“Oh. She called you?”

“Yeah.” He pronounced the word as if it had 6 syllables, as if he could see the thoughts forming in my head. “Are you okay? Don’t freak out. She’ll call you back soon.”

no she won’t. Shut up. Why are you back? i never left. i’ve always been here. I hate you. no point in hating me. i’m only an extension of you. a version of you that sees the reality. emily hates you. you hung up on her and she hates you. No, she doesn’t. you’re starting to believe me, aren’t you? took you long enough. somebody like you doesn’t deserve love. you don’t deserve to be cared about.

“David? Are you there?”

she’s going behind your back with Asher. it’s lara all over again. why would anyone be satisfied with you? you can’t blame her for finding someone more exciting. someone less broken.

“David?”

“Goodnight.”

I hung up the phone. My second anxiety attack today. I decided I would take three pills tomorrow to compensate. I scrolled through Lara’s texts again to get the voice to shut up, but it only grew louder. keep scrolling. you’re pathetic. your ex’s texts? really? that’s what you turn to for comfort? move the hell on. you deserve what she did to you you deserve it you deserve it YOU DESERVE IT YOU DESER-

My phone rang. It was Emily. Why was she calling me? I let it ring a couple times before answering.

I stayed silent. Waited for her to start the conversation.

“You there?”

I was silent a bit longer. I wanted to spite her, even though I wasn’t sure she had done anything wrong.

“Listen. I’m sorry for not calling you back. I was just really scared when we were at my house earlier.” She briefly hesitated, then continued. “Well, scared isn’t the right word. It felt… weird, being physically close to you like that. But weird in a good way, if that makes sense. What I’m trying to say is that it took me by surprise.”

She stayed quiet for a moment, waiting for me to answer.

“Okay, well, I’m gonna hang up now. I’ll see you later, okay? Goodnight, David. Sweet dreams. I’m not mad at you, by the way. Just in case you were wondering.”

“Goodnight.”

“So you were listening.”

“I was.”

I think I heard her smile on the other side of the phone.

“Good. I’m glad. Now, go to sleep.” She hung up and I was alone in my room once again. Weird in a good way? What does that even mean? Did she like it or not? Maybe I did scare her but she tried to play it off by calling it “weird”. Yeah. That made more sense.

My phone buzzed again. It was Asher. Why did I only get texted and called when I wasn’t in the mood for it?

His text read: “are you okay?”

I replied: “im ok”

I put my phone under my pillow and laid down. I didn’t want to deal with this anymore. It still kept buzzing, and I eventually just put it in the drawer of my nightstand. I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to quiet my mind.