Published November 4, 2011
Removed at the author's request.
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141,348 Literary Works • 674,370 Reviews
I am no expert on songs but this sounds good when i was singing along
Hey There -
Deny myself God,I must say - I liked this. There was a lot of imagery in it - and a lot of emotion.
The rhythm was confusing, though - but for all i know that could have been the point. (Choppy, short sentences with little structure give a sinse of paranoia, some anxiety.) I am an avid rhythm tripper, Im a composer so dont get discouraged.
There was some serious darkness. I liked it. I have to agree with klotrox - there are some bits that don't quite carry the weight that a poem of this blackness, of this sorrow, was meant to carry. you need powerful, deep, pictures for your audience - it needs to be dramatic, seriously dramatic to be effective, and this had some wonderful imagery in it that suceeded in putting me into a sorrowful trance, but some of it is just shy of fitting.
I loved
so you can take me to church.
Stay under water a little too long,
so you can pull me out.
And
Stab myself with a knife,
just so you can bandage me.
these were powerful.
I'd take most of the suggestions from klotrox to heart, but there are two I'd like to point out.
Overdose on pills,
so you can bring me back to life.-why should they overdose when they need to bring you back to life?
Cry every night,
so you can wipe away my tears.-same goes for this one as with the line before it, it just doesn't fit I'm sorry
I liked those. but - the soup. I agreed with the soup.
You've got talent, artsy. Keep it up!!!
-IamHathor22
I thought this was a wonderful little poem with a few imperfections; corrections in red:
Stab myself with a knife,
just so you can bandage me.
Starve myself to near-near death or all death? choose one extreme; "near" is too inbetween death,
just so you can feed me.
Catch a life-threatening disease,
just so you can bring me soup in bed.-this is very anit-climactic; you have these very powerful and disturbing images and then you flub them down with this lackluster line
Break my bones,
so you can set-maybe use a better word them straight.
Overdose on pills,
so you can bring me back to life.-why should they overdose when they need to bring you back to life?
Cry every night,
so you can wipe away my tears.-same goes for this one as with the line before it, it just doesn't fit I'm sorry
No matter what I do,
you fix me.
Get into fights,
just so you can restrain me.
Become high as a kite,
just so you can bring me back down to Earth.
Drink a little too much,
just so you can offer me your couch tonight.
Deny myself God,
so you can take me to church.-as with the soup line, it all goes downhill after this one
Stay under water a little-again, make it more extreme for it to be powerful too long,
so you can pull me out.
Stop breathing,
so you can resuscitate me.
No matter what I do,
you fix me.
I think the only thing I need to emphasize is at the beginning two lines it was great, but then you fell into this pattern of "do this/fall apart this way, then help me this way" and it doesn't make sense. And try not to put phrases like "a little" or "near" unless it serves a specific purpose to the tone because it disturbes the flow. Overall I liked it.
Sincerely,
Klotrox