Hauntception

Cast of characters:

Schuyler…………………………….. Mckenzie’s roommate, young adult

McKenzie................................ Schuyler’s roommate, young Adult

Tyler………………………….. A friend, young adult

Setting: Schuyler and Mckenzie’s apartment

(Schuyler arrives at her apartment. As she steps inside McKenzie, swings a pool noodle at her.)

Schuyler: What the—

Mckenzie: (Whispering) Sky? I could’ve hurt you!

Schuyler: Hurt me? With that? You do know it’s a—

McKenzie: Shh… You’ll wake them.

Schuyler: Wake what?

Mckenzie: The spirits.

Schuyler: (A beat) Spirits.

Mckenzie: Yes. They’ve come for me.

Schuyler: Come for you?

Mckenzie: Yes. I made a mockery of their sacred art. And now I must face their retribution.

Schuyler: Umm….are you…?

Mckenzie: They’re a dark forces at work here. You should leave while you can.

(Schuyler laughs.)

Mckenzie: Quiet! Or they’ll come for you too. (Speaking to the ceiling) She didn’t mean it!

Schuyler: (Still laughing) She’s right. I didn’t mean it. Please forgive me!

Mckenzie: Stop it! People like you are always the first ones to die.

Schuyler: Die? Are you…. What’s going on here?

Mckenzie: The spirits are angry I—

Schuyler: No. No. I mean, how do you that the spirits are… coming for you?

McKenzie points to the vase.

Schuyler: The vase?

Mckenzie: It’s possessed.

Schuyler: (A beat) And how, exactly, is it possessed?

Mckenzie: (A beat) It moves. At random moments. It just shakes, when the spirits are in it.

Schuyler: Uh-huh.

Mckenzie: If it you watch…eventually it will happen.

(They watch. The vase is still. Schuyler pulls out her phone. The vase vibrates)

Mckenzie: There!

Schuyler: (Putting away phone) Sorry, what?

Mckenzie: Just watch.

(They again watch the vase. Schuyler pulls her phone out again. The vase vibrates again)

Mckenzie: (Excited) Did you… (Her voice trails off as she notices Schuyler once again, texting. She goes to Schuyler)

Schuyler: What? Hey! (They fight over the phone. The vase continues to vibrate on occasion, but Schuyler never notices.)

Mckenzie: (Heaving) Enough, you—(She takes the phone.) Watch.

(The two resume watching. Schuyler reaches her hand into her pocket and the vase vibrates.

Mckenzie(con’t): There! Now do you see?

Schuyler: Yeah. That’s pretty crazy.

(McKenzie exits. She returns with a suitcase. She continues to exit the stage, always coming back with more items.)

Schuyler: (Calling)What are you doing?

Mckenzie: We can’t stay here.

Schuyler: What?

Mckenzie: We have to leave. Before it’s too late.

Schuyler: Don’t you… don’t you think you’re over-reacting a little?

Mckenzie: There’s only one way this ends. Well, three, and I’m not a fan of any of them.

Schuyler: Where are you going to go? To your parent’s?

Mckenzie: It’s too dangerous. We have to go somewhere they can’t follow. (She brings out the last bag.) Well, are you coming?

Schuyler: Do you have your Bon Jovi poster?

Mckenzie: Oh, I almost forgot.

(She exits. Schuyler goes to the vase, pulls out a cellphone, then moves away. McKenzie re-enters.)

Mckenzie: Okay. Last chance. Are you coming or not?

Schuyler: You know. The vase has been pretty quiet for a while. Do you think the spirits left?

Mckenzie: They’re trying to lull us into a false sense of security.

Schuyler: Uhh…Maybe? Or maybe there’s another, more reasonable explanation. Like I don’t know. Maybe someone, put something, there.

Mckenzie: Someone?

Schuyler: Or there was an earthquake.

(The vase vibrates again.)

Mckenzie: No. It’s time to accept it. They’ve come.

Schuyler: (Glancing between her phone at the vase) But…how…

Mckenzie: Hey, look at me? I know this is hard but you got to keep it together! I’ll protect you.

(A box in the corner begins to shake.)

Mckenzie: They’re getting stronger. (Loudly) We need to go now.

(There’s a pounding sound on the door.Schuyler runs to it but Mckenzie stops her.)

Mckenzie: Don’t go outside!

Schuyler: You said we needed too—

Mckenzie: It’s too late for that now. If we leave now they’ll get us.

(The vase and box continue to shake and vibrate.)

Schuyler: What do we do?

Mckenzie: Rub your belly and pat your head. It weakens them.

Schuyler: You’re kidding.

Mckenzie: I don’t kid about things like this… anymore.

(Schuyler does as Mckenzie says. The lights cut out for a moment, then they turn on again and begin to flicker.)

Schuyler: It’s not working!

Mckenzie: I noticed.

Schuyler: Now what?

Mckenzie: Find a way to defend yourself. (.Schuyler grabs a broom. Mckenzie picks up her noodle. The lights begin to flicker again. Mckenzie Swings her noodle like a sword) Don’t let them get you.(Schuyler swings her broom.) I don’t…. understand. They usually…. Don’t react this violently… over one person’s practical jokes.

Schuyler: How about two?

Mckenzie: Two what?

Schuyler:(A beat)I did it.

Mckenzie: Keep swinging!

Schuyler: (She swings)I put a phone in the vase to make it vibrate.

Mckenzie: You what?

Schuyler: I didn’t know it could—

Mckenzie: This is your fault!

Schuyler: My fault?

Mckenzie: You brought this down on us.

Schuyler: Okay hold on. I did one little prank compared to your dozens—

Mckenzie: You’re not one of us! You’re a poser!

Schuyler: Poser?

Mckenzie: You offended the spirits!

Schuyler: This is crazy! There are no spirits!(She stops waving the broom)

Mckenzie: Fake!(She hits Schuyler with the noodle). Phoney!

Schuyler: (Blocking with the broom) You’re crazy!

Mckenzie: Out! Get out!

Schuyler: Stop—

Mckenzie: Your fault!

Schuyler: Stop it! I hate—

(There’s a loud booming sound. They scream. Kenzie drops the noodle and they embrace each other.)

Schuyler(Con’t): What—

Mckenzie: I don’t—

Schuyler: Do something!

(A loud, maniacal laugh fills the room. The girls scream again. The lights flash. The pounding returns. The box shakes. The vase vibrates.)

Mckenzie: We’re going to die!

Schuyler: Kenzie!

Mckenzie: Don’t look!

Schuyler: I’m sorry!

(The girls continue to shout and scream, but McKenzie’s turns to a laugh. The objects stop shaking and the lights stop flickering. Tyler emerges from the shaking box.)

Schuyler: Tyler?

Tyler: Do you know how hot it was in there?

Mckenzie: Sorry, it took her longer to freak out than I thought.

Schuyler: Wait? You guys were…

(Mckenzie and Tyler high five each other.)

Schuyler(Con’t): So this whole time… you knew?

Mckenzie: You can’t trick the trickster.

Schuyler: Right. ‘course not.

Mckenzie: You okay?

Schuyler: Yeah. Fine.

Mckenzie: You know it’s just a joke right? Not a big deal.

Schuyler: I know.

Tyler: Want to see the vid?

Schuyler: You filmed it?

Tyler: It was the only way we could get Casey to help.

Schuyler: Course it was.

Mckeznie: It’s okay, right?

Schuyler: (Moving away) Yeah. Fine.

Mckenzie: It’s just, this is my best prank ever.

Schuyler: Yeah. Best one ever. So Casey was outside?

Tyler: Yep. The laugh was nice touch, right? That was my idea. Best idea ever.

Mckenzie: The phone in the vase was pretty cool too.

Schuyler: Sure.

Tyler: Check out her face here. It’s priceless.

(McKenzie and Tyler watch the video, while Schuyler remains by herself. One of Mckenzie’s bags hits the floor with a loud thud. They all jump.)

Tyler: Holy—

Mckenzie: What the—

Tyler: Guess you get the last laugh.

Schuyler: What?

Tyler: That was you, right?

Schuyler: Uhh…yes. It was me.

Mckenzie: Come on. Watch this with us.

(Schuyler goes to them, but looks over her shoulder as the bag shifts again.)

Lights out.