Smiles and laughter spread
Across the field like a plague,
Clouds overhead darken,
Engulfing the sun.
Winds gusting, snatching words
Out of the mouths of children,
Who silently plea for mercy
From an unknown image.
Their guardians,
Who taught of faith,
Flee at the first sight of displeasure.
Concern turns towards themselves,
While the helpless,
The children,
The old,
The sick,
Lay abandoned,
With only the hope of help.
Smiles fade, laughter turns to cries.
Shrill shrieks from the buried ,
Drowned out by thunder and rain.
Hope shout down by lightning,
Forgotten souls are left to wander
A barren, destroyed land,
Whose only burden was us.
Yet we beg for mercy from deities,
Whom we assume merciful,
And we question how they can be so merciless,
When all our punishments are just.
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
i can't help you with punctuation or grammar, but i did like your piece, its one that was easy to understand and it did flow.
probably my favorite line.
I like your use of words too, keep it up.
This is a really long sentence that doesn't flow very well... Can you shorten it at all?
This sentence feels kind of cliche and drab, see if you can re-word it.
See if you can re-word this to make it a little more clear and smooth.
Good job with this.
The only errors I found I pointed out above and I could really feel the emotion. You actually had pretty good imagery too, a little bit more would've been better but what you had sufficed.
Good job
Keep writing,
Alzora