Published April 4, 2011
This was originally supposed to be a song, but I think I like it better as a poem. I sorta wrote this connecting it to my story: viewtopic.php?t=75485
I’m a castle
Who was never understood
I’m a castle
Hidden by its hood
I’m a castle
Surrounded by a wall
The wall’s so strong
It will never fall
I’m a castle
Who never knew
That the wall could fall
Because of you
I'm a castle
Standing tall in the air
I'm a castle
With nothing to fear
I’m a castle
When others are around
I’m a castle
Until I’m safe and sound
I’m a castle
With a secret to hold
I’m a castle
Forever, it's untold
I’m a castle
With nothing to say
I’m a castle
Living far, far away
You’re a knight
Beating the walls
I can feel your presence
I can hear your calls
I’m a castle
Trapped by my own shell
I’m a castle
Forever here, I dwell
I’m a castle
And you’re the key
To saving the castle
And opening me
I’m a castle
Hidden from sight
I’m a castle
Waiting for my knight
I thank you for everything
For I’m finally free
I’m a castle
That’s been saved by thee
I thank you again
For I can now restart
I’m now a castle
With its own heart
I'm a castle
And with you by my side
I'm a castle
There's no more need to hide
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,717 Reviews
This isn't really my style, but it was pretty well-written. I think it could be "tweaked" a little bit here and there, just cleaned up overall and given some commas and periods here and there. The idea's sort of interesting, the perspective of the castle isn't one that people normally look at. ^_^ I feel like the rhyme scheme's holding you back, but it was okay as is.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Overall, your poem was nice. I tend to use repetition myself with certain poems, so I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I chose to make a comment on your frequent repetition (^-^) There was one line in here that didn't quite sit well as I read past it:
Castles don't sway in the wind exactly. I think this part could use some tweaking so that it makes a little more sense and flows into the rest of the poem a little better. Other than that part there though, there wasn't really anything I could catch that seemed out of place to me. Your other reviews seemed to have caught the other things. Nice work.
I like the topic, And I know what you are trying to say but, You need more detail and feedback of what is going on. The perspective of the poem is divine and I love that you care about your surroundings. All that is missing is the ending. I would write,
I'm a castle
I got broke down
I'm a castle
Now everybody will frown.
Something like that. Like a dramatic ending that will make the readers picture it in their minds. But overall the poem was fantastic. No spelling mistakes, well I don't think. You are truly talented, but just work on the ending.
Hoped it helped,
~Pixie2~
I really like this poem. I didn't notice any major grammar mistakes, but honestly didn't go back to look and check the grammar. I'm not the greatest at grammar checking.
THe flow of this poem is really nice. I like the rhyming and the descriptions you've made about being a castle. Great job! I hope others are able to give you pointers too! I'm not the best poetry reviewer but I had to comment I liked the poem so well!