The first eight months of 2016

Hey Armisael,

Okay, so first of all, I'm not exactly sure if these should be read as one poem or three, but considering they're all posted together, I'm going to assume they're the same poem with three different parts, sort of like different chapters.

That being said, let's get into the nitty gritty here. I am not really sure what you were going for with the titles of the sections because I feel like they are sort of obliquely stating what you were attempting to do with the poem without giving the poem a chance to do it. It's sort of like you've made the poem useless by the title because we already know what you want to say and the poems themselves don't always add much more.

I really like what you did with the second poem, but I think you should just talk about the metaphor, don't mention reality much at all, just hop right in. The opening line really isn't necessary.

As for the first poem, I love what you're trying to do with the metaphor of the shoe laces, but it really doesn't go into enough detail for me to see how that relates to everything in life.

With the last poem, the one you want to be a haiku, I really like what you're writing, and how you're writing it, but it's more of a senryu than a haiku because it's talking about an individual rather than nature. Not a big deal, like, literally everyone makes that mistake, but I thought I'd point it out.

Also, with the senryu, I think you might be able to empower the last line by rewriting it with something to juxtapose against the first two lines. Maybe use a new memory that has something to do with nature, find a metaphor to fit that situation. I think that'll really bolster the poem and give the reader something to contemplate.

Onto contemplation, I think the second one has the best idea for contemplation, but you've got a bit of extra fat tucked at the bottom and the top. If you slim it down, really make every word in the poem work for you, every line drive the point and how you want the point, and what you want the point to say, then I think you'll be golden.

Together, all three poems really sort of talk about the way that live moves and changes, like the three titles suggest, but each one looks at a different aspect of life and I like how they flow together. That being said, I think you should work with poems separately if these were intended to be separate poems because each poem colors the next one in line, and the second poem's length alone makes it stand apart from the other two.

All in all, good job, work on trimming these down and empowering some of the lines and you'll be doing very very well.

Hello, Godly here for a review and happy review day!

Wow three poems... interesting. These poems are very well thought out and whilst the first one is pretty difficult to understand, I can kind of see where you are getting at. Seeing that you have done three poems, I will discuss each one separately in the order they have been displayed. The only improvement is that I suggest being consistent with punctuation as it is important to retain grammar accuracy when writing poems.

Poem number one:
Here you have used the metaphor of shoe laces. This can be quite confusing at first but I think I managed to figure out what you were trying to aim at. I'm guessing you are trying to tell us that no matter how hard we try to fix things, something always goes wrong and in this years case we couldn't avoid it at all. No matter how hard we tried to avoid it. Forgive me if I'm wrong - sometimes metaphors can be too open and it takes away from the poem.

Poem number two:
This one seems to create the message as we all see ourselves as lower than our potential. We try to aim for a better us but by doing this we are just lead to feel worse when we just miss it. This idea of it being out of our reach forever is degrading and ruins us as a society. Thus linking to the first poem. Out of the three this is my favourite poem as it is the easiest to deduct from.

Poem number three:
I like the cut off at the end as it helps for the fading memory. As if you suddenly forget the thing you were about to say leaving you an empty person void of character. You lie under the stars which guide you but they cause you lose yourself. This message helps to round off the message of the three poems pretty neatly.

Overall this piece was interesting and I hope you continue to write in the future.

All the best,
Godly